Is it that time again already? It comes round quicker with each year that passes and there is literally science to prove that I’m right. Whatever. It’s nearly Christmas, so if you’re looking to pick up something sexy for someone in your life who has a penchant for pervery, I have spent a happy afternoon browsing around the websites of the lovely companies who are kind enough to sponsor this blog so I can nudge you in the direction of a few things you might consider buying. Here’s a Christmas gift guide for kinky people…
Before I get stuck in, I should emphasise that if you’re looking to buy sex toys or kink equipment for someone, you should always try to buy in the direction of kinks you know they have, or sensations you know they enjoy. ‘Surprising’ someone with a toy that speaks to your kinks but not theirs is not a gift, it’s a chore. So if you aren’t sure what your lover might genuinely want to play with, I recommend setting some time aside to browse this guide – and a few of the linked websites – with them before you purchase. Why not make a shortlist of possibilities, so they can think (and wank) on the options before you reveal which one you chose? That way, you can build anticipation (as well as keep some ideas in your back pocket for Valentine’s Day/their birthday/the anniversary of the first time you fisted each other).
The sites I used as a basis for this guide are ones which sponsor my blog, so if you buy from them you’re helping to keep this whole GOTN show on the road, and for that I am very grateful.
Easy handcuffs
Those who know me (in the Biblical sense) are privy to the shameful secret that despite being a professional sex blogger, I’m remarkably clumsy in the bedroom. I will get sex toys stuck in my chuff, score black eyes partway through a threesome, and if there’s something on the floor by the bed, I will definitely trip over it mid-striptease. So when it comes to bondage and other kinks which require equipment, I’m always on the lookout for the simplest possible restraints. These easy cuffs literally slip on over someone’s wrists – no keys, no code, no knots, they’re just stretchy silicone. And yes, technically that means your sub can escape if they put enough effort into it. But let’s be honest: they could easily slip out of my terrible rope ties as well. The restraint is the fun bit, it doesn’t need to be escape-proof. I am not the literal police.
£12.95, keep an eye on the site for discount codes
Simple restraint system
In a very similar vein, here’s something that my lovely sponsors at The Pleasure Garden gave me recently which I’ve been itching to write about: the Sportsheets under-the-bed restraint system. I’d been eager to get hold of one of these for ages because it’s another kickass ‘restraints for the clumsy fucker’ product. Basically it’s a set of wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs (with VELCRO as the securing mechanism – hooray!) attached by straps which you pass underneath your mattress. As I say, I’d wanted one for ages and now I have it I am obsessed. The cuffs just hang out over the bedframe (I have a king size bed because I am a luxury bitch, and there’s plenty of give in the straps to extend them as much as I need) and they’re available for quick-and-easy access whenever I manage to tempt a man into my lair. So far I’ve only used them a couple of times – mostly for restraining someone’s wrists while I give him a teasing suck job – but just having them there is already bringing me maximum joy because I know that if I want to get stuck into some impulsive bondage, all the equipment is literally right there. Unless you’re a shibari expert, every kinky home should have these, in my opinion.
£65.99, use code GOTN10 for 10% off anything on this site
Smutty audiobooks
Did you know that you can get big discounts on Bloom Stories subscriptions if you tell them I sent you? Well, you can. Use the code GIRLONTHENET to save up to 50% on a sub (you can pay monthly or annually). Bloom is an audio erotica platform that provides deliciously smutty stories, plus audio guides on things like kink and sensation play. What’s more, since I last wrote about them on the blog, they’ve added tonnes more content – not just sexy short stories but full-length audiobooks too. In a world that’s looking increasingly bleak for sex writers, it’s a pure joy to work with a company that pays us for our work and produces it in such brilliant quality. If you use my discount code, you can get an annual sub for just over $100, or a 3 month sub for around $56. And honestly, fuck, January and February are so often grim and dark and cold, what better way to bring joy to someone in the winter months than by giving them access to a huge bank of amazing audio porn? If you want to dip your toe in the water, just create a free account and have a look around – there are a fair few free stories available to whet your appetite.
Butt plug starter kit
I wrote some porn about butt plug starter kits recently, so it would be remiss of me not to recommend any in this guide. Basically, if you’re into anal (or your partner is), I think it’s well worth investing (yes, I said ‘investing’) in a set of plugs that you can use for graded ass play. As with most sex toys, I do think this is one you need to discuss with your partner, because there are lots of things that can vary when it comes to plugs – the shape overall, length of neck, type of base (round versus t-bar, for example).
I’m just going to direct you to the key places to browse for this:
Pleasure Garden (GOTN10 for 10% off)
Whipple Tickle (GIRLONTHENET for 10% off)
Detailed-texture masturbation sheath
One of the things I love about Tenga is they really just fucking go for it in terms of creating sensation. They’re laser-focused on coming up with new textures that might feel nice on your junk. There are two relatively new products that I want to draw your attention to here, one is for people with dicks and the other is for anyone. First up: the pixel spinner just looks like it has a really awesome texture, and I would absolutely love to wank someone off with it. Tenga do this geometric-texture thing really well, and if you’re looking for a gift for someone who loves a lubed-up hand job, browsing a bunch of Tenga products is probably a good place to start.
£34.99, use GIRLONTHENET for 10% off
While I was hunting for these spinners on the site, though, I also found these new textured pads: designed to slip over your first two fingers then be used either for clitoral stimulation or dick-based wanking. Naturally, I love the idea of a toy that’s junk-agnostic, and it’s good to see other sex toy companies embracing texture the way Godemiche did with their grind rings and grind pads recently too.
£9.99, use GIRLONTHENET for 10% off
Easy-as-fuck spreader bar
Oh look! It’s yet another piece of kink equipment that is absurdly easy to use, because I am obsessed with this sort of thing. My Big Ex and I used to have one of these velcro-secured spreader bars (or if not the same brand, at least one almost identical) and it was fucking exceptional. You secure someone’s wrists/ankles with velcro to the solid bar and voila, they are available for your use. No fucking about with padlocks or chains or tying – just strap them in and fuck them. Perfect.
£26.00
Dick toy for spunk milking
I don’t talk enough about the Hot Octopuss JETT, but that’s just because I’ve not been with the right kind of dude for a while. Maybe in 2025 I’ll find one who wants me to milk the spunk from him while he whimpers – that’s my Christmas wish. But in the meantime, if you’re with a dick owner who likes vibrations, and also enjoys being played like a musical instrument, check out the Hot Octopuss JETT. It’s a vibe that consists of two bullets in a harness that can be placed just beneath the frenulum, and controlled individually – one is ‘bass’ and the other is ‘treble’. Because you can control each individually, there’s acres of potential for finding the perfect frequency to make someone jizz all over themselves. I’m a fan.
£49.95 (keep an eye on the site for discount codes)
Simple, effective g-spot vibe
I have one of these awesome Pillow Talk Sassy vibes, and I have never owned a g-spot vibe that better combines simplicity and effectiveness. It’s literally just one button on the bottom of the toy, and I don’t even really know what settings there are other than ‘on, and I come too quickly to explore anything else’. Truly a masterpiece of simple design. I adore it.
£65, use GOTN10 for 10% off
ElectraStim JackSocket
Not one for beginners or the faint-hearted, the ElectraStim JackSocket is a genius bit of e-stim kit – basically a wank sheath that can be used with a stimulator pack to deliver electro sensations to your cock. Gentle tingles, which you can turn up to create more intense sensations, and build to even greater intensity if you slide the sheath all the way to the head of someone’s dick. The first time I ever used one I made a guy spaff all over the carpet.
If you want one of these, you’ll also need a stimulator pack which is what delivers the electro sensations. Luckily Meo also sell these, here’s the entry-level version (the KIX).
£76.68
Hot pink Doxy
Not only are these hot pink Doxy wands astonishingly beautiful, they’re also being sold for a good cause – a portion of the proceeds from every sale goes to breast cancer charities. You can get the hot pink Doxy as a die cast (big, heavy, rumbly as fuck), a Doxy 3 (more compact, still very rumbly and fun), or a 3R (compact and also rechargeable). I feel like it’s been a while since I banged on about how amazing the Doxy is, so if you’re new here and you aren’t yet familiar with why these wand toys are so fucking epic, check out my review of the original Doxy here, the Doxy 3 here, and this detailed guide on the best ways to wank with a Doxy. Safe to say I’m a fan. It’s my favourite ever toy.
If you’d rather design your own, then I salute you on that front too. A Doxy is one of those sex toys that’s going to last a fuck of a long time and bring tonnes of joy, so check out their custom Doxy page if you’d like to design and create your own unique version.
From £90, depending on which one you pick. Use code GOTN15 for 15% off (and free shipping too in some places)
Spandex hood
I love a blindfold as much as the next subby bitch, but something about a full hood feels even more restrictive. Meo sells this nice black spandex hood for not much money, and it’s a breathable fabric so you won’t be restricting anything other than your sub’s vision. If you are after something a bit more intense, they also sell leather hoods which will give an even more restrictive feel. And if you want the head covered but the hole available for use? They’ve got you covered on that front too with open-mouth ‘cocksucking’ hoods. Nice.
From £25.56, depending on which one you choose
Not yet found what you want?
Fear not – I also have a page which I try to keep vaguely updated that includes a bunch of sex toys I personally own, and others I really want. The aim is to give you an overview of cool stuff that’s on the market and in my bedside drawer, along with discount codes where I have them. Go browse the sex toys page here!
Finally, I know this is shameless of me, but Patreon now offers people the chance to give subscriptions to others – if your lover enjoys listening to the free audio porn that I and my team of incredible smut writers/readers publish here, they might also like a subscription to the audio project on Patreon. They get early access to new smut in their podcast feed, monthly updates with previews of new blogs and behind-the-scenes gossip, and other fun bonuses too like the chance to come hang out on a live call in January. No pressure though, obvs. Life’s hard enough without having to buy stuff all the time. If you want to support my work here but you don’t have the cash to spend on toys or Patreon, I’m always grateful for your shares (including of this gift guide!) if you’re amenable.