I set out to find a date within twelve hours, using only my phone. Could I summon a man to come hang out with me on the same day I set up my profile, then get him to bang me sideways in the twin room of a Travelodge? If so, this would make for the most efficient dating experience of my entire life to date. How successful was I? Come find out!
So there’s this gig I’ve been really excited about, but the friend I’m meant to go with can no longer come. I already booked the tickets, plus a cheap room in a Travelodge which is non-refundable at such late notice. None of my other pals are available last minute either, so I basically have two options: go to the gig alone (meh) or not go at all (boo).
I’m feeling pretty shit about the whole situation, with a side-order of a long-lost emotion that doesn’t tend to hit me very often: I’m lonely. I’m post-break-up sad and missing my friend, and everyone else seems busy with their own adventures. However, as my favourite band sings in one of their best songs:
“Don’t just sit there feeling sorry for yourself. Through the walls, a city calls.”
I ponder this instruction for a while, and remember that the reason I don’t get lonely often is I’m searingly good at keeping myself entertained. So after a bit of solo drinking and restorative self-pity, I wake up one morning with the realisation that there’s actually a third option here: find a date for the gig. The problem is, my self-pity lasted too long and gig is now actually this evening. I have twelve hours to secure myself a date.
Bring me a man!
I sign up to a dating app. Luckily for me I’m a straight woman loaded with privilege, so I play dating apps on easy mode. Even more luckily, I’m professionally good at chatting to men on the internet. So I set up a profile, throw up a few pictures (including one that features my excellent arse in yoga pants – I know how to bait the hook), and open my bio with a really specific ask: are you free this evening, and do you like this band? If so, tell me your favourite song.
Within minutes I am (obviously) inundated with messages from men who haven’t read the brief.
Hey you’re hot!
How you doing?
Love your pics!
U look gr8 what you into?
I block them all, obviously (UP YOUR GAME!), cursing them for getting in my way. Thrillingly though, within an hour or two, I have a few viable candidates so I pick one who meets my (admittedly limited) criteria: he’s available tonight, loves the band, and seems like he’s reasonably normal. By which I mean he doesn’t say anything pushily sexual. He also lowers the stakes by telling me that he’s delighted to score a free ticket and has been on the lookout for gig buddies, so even if we don’t have chemistry we can still rock out, and if I find myself in the area in future, he’ll show me around some decent pubs.
YES.
Bonus: his profile specifically mentions a few things that interest me. Double bonus: he’s pretty.
Let’s go!
Efficient dating: the meet
Getting ready for the date, I am simmering with something that isn’t quite excitement but isn’t nerves either. I never get nervous for dates because (sorry) men I meet on dating apps are usually wildly disappointing. They also, 95% of the time, will fuck me if I want. I don’t say this to brag that I’m hot (I’m not), just to highlight my efficiency: any guy who’s into me based on my dating profile, which is laser targeted to filter out dudes who’ll care about my height, weight and general loud crassness, is usually pretty prepared for the loud, crass, brick shithouse who arrives at the pub.
So not nerves. Maybe excitement? I try and fail to put my finger on this feeling, as I throw on clothes and make-up then frantically tidy the hotel room I have somehow managed to turn into a trash pile within ten minutes of checking in. I head off to meet my date.
There’s definitely a part of me that suspects he won’t turn up. It’s last minute, after all, and our chat has been genuinely minimal. He messaged a couple of times to say he was listening to the band in preparation, and let me know that he’d be running late because his Mum called (aww), so I bring a book in case he’s a no-show and settle down in the corner of the pub. Within minutes, he walks in the door.
And he is… exactly like his pictures. I won’t physically describe him: picture whoever you’d be relatively pleased to see on a first date. Nice-looking; down to Earth; worth a ride if you’re both in the mood. We share an awkward hug, I grab him a pint and we swap music taste, finding hits (yay ska!) and misses (boo techno). But this man never needed to be perfect, he just needed to be free tonight and into this band. Everything else is a bonus.
Obviously I have hopes. Especially now I’ve met him. I’d love if he were up for snogging me at the back of the gig. Maybe touching my arse a bit or standing behind me during slow songs with arms round my waist. Perhaps, if we get on, he’ll come to my hotel room and help me further defile it. And maybe, if all that works out, I’ll find an excuse to be in his city again and we’ll grab a drink – he’ll become an occasional comet whose eager smile and satisfying dick brings much-needed joy in 2025. I’m getting ahead of myself but… hey! I found a man within 12 hours!… maybe my luck will continue.
It definitely continues on the way to the gig, as we walk side by side and he whispers into my ear that I look fantastic. Then as we get to the venue, where we swap stories about gigs we’ve loved and people we’ve fucked in the past. He’s keen to turn the chat to sex, which is fine because I’m up for it, although sadly like most men I’ve dated he fails to ask me much about myself. At one point in the middle of a long monologue about his kinks and experience, he asks if I know what ‘e-stim’ is. And fuck it, I’m feeling bold and high off the thrill of this hasty date, so I tell him that not only do I know it well, but I nudge him outright to please ask what I do for a living! Sometimes you have to lead the horse to water then literally push its face into the trough.
Shortly before the band take the stage, he leans in for a kiss. Two seconds after that, I decide I want to fuck him.
It’s not that it’s a fuck-making kiss per se, it’s more that the kiss cements how lucky I feel to have achieved exactly what I wanted. I ordered a man through my phone, like he was a pair of black ankle boots from Amazon, but unlike an Amazon package he arrived within 12 hours and… well, the package analogy breaks down here because I’d never fuck the boots, but I do want to fuck him. Life’s sucked lately and the universe owes me a treat.
While the band are playing, he puts his arm round my waist. Strokes my back gently through my top and touches my arse a little. At various points, I’m dancing and singing along and I suddenly remember that he’s beside me, get that thrilling realisation that I’m allowed to kiss him if I want! So I turn to him occasionally, put my own arm round him, and lean in for consistent, eager, grateful little snogs.
I vaguely remember that yesterday I felt lonely, and inside I get another kick of that emotion I can’t quite place. I don’t worry about identifying it now, though – I’ll save that for the blog draft. Right now there’s a man to kiss and dance with. A man who gets his round in and seems delighted to be here. Who thinks I look fantastic and keeps turning the chat to sex and… you know where this is going, right?
Back at the Travelodge
I stick some tunes on my phone, cursing the fact that I didn’t bring a speaker. Cursing, too, the horrible bright lighting that is doing its best to hammer our sexy mood into dust. We press on. He snogs me with fervour. Even as we’re kissing, I can’t help but think back to the night before, and how I couldn’t see the wood (potential new men) for the trees (my sadness and self-pity).
He goes harder, and I try to slow him down. I don’t want to rush this but relish it.
I enjoy the feeling of his lips on mine. Marvel at this efficient dating experience, reminding myself to never take my luck in these matters for granted.
He puts his hands all over me, grabbing and stroking and squeezing…
I know that some of you will find this aside unsexy. But I also know some will find it important, so here goes: by this point in the date I am reasonably confident this man is not a rapist, and I assure you that he won’t turn out to be one. Some readers (mostly, but not all, women) will get this far through my tale and think ‘hmm… you rustled up a date within 12 hours? Off an app? What safety checks have you performed to ensure he isn’t a danger?’. You’re right to worry, and I thank you for your care. My rapid-date guy was happy to prove that he was who he said he was. No prevaricating, no defensiveness, no ‘not all men’, as soon as I told him I was sending a safety text to my friends he offered to pose for a photo outside the hotel. Grinning, two thumbs up, adorable ‘I’m about to get laid’ energy. Feel free to enjoy the rest of this story safe in the knowledge that this man did me no harm.
Where was I? Oh yes! We’re snogging on the bed. I can tell he’s already hard. Not because I’ve touched his dick, but because there’s an urgency to his movements. He’s kissing with force and gusto and… I love gusto, it’s fun! At the core of my sexuality, there’s a deep and intense lust for eagerness.
And this guy sure is eager, wow!
He’s really going for it, within minutes of us getting down to business. He’s pulling at my clothes and sticking his hand up my top and… oh wait! My bad! This isn’t eagerness or gusto… this feels more like panic. His snogs during the gig were gentle and promising – hinting at more filth to come but relaxed about when that might happen. They’ve now turned into sucking, bitey attempts to press his face so hard against mine that the pillow envelops my ears. His touch, which earlier had given me tingles of anticipation and sparked a need for greater contact, has now become a fumbling flurry of grabs and pinches that take no note of the ways my body is responding (or not, as the case may be).
Eagerness versus urgency
There’s a state some dudes get into (in my experience, your mileage may vary) just before the very first fuck. They are so keen to seal the deal that instead of taking time to build horn, they speed things towards a conclusion. Like they’re worried that if they dally too long, this sexy train will leave the station, the bang bus will drive on past, and they’ll end up unfucked purely because they didn’t slip their dick inside me quick enough.
I find this annoying.
Cards on the table: in my 20s I’d have gone ahead and fucked this guy anyway. We’d have had some passable, frantic sex. We’d both have felt the achievement of getting laid, but probably wouldn’t have had an incredible time. I’m 40 now though, and I’ve no interest in ‘passable’ sex. I wanna fuck good, goddammit! And having good sex, to me, means taking the time to understand the person you’re fucking. Not just snog, rip off clothes, stick it in, like we’re following a script, but actually communicate and write a scene that’s built on honest desire. Not just in verbal conversations where we tell each other what we find sexy, but in physical dialogue that doesn’t have words, where we feel each other’s responses and adjust our own to match.
I tell him I want to take a break, and grab us some water. Buying time, of course, and also fulfilling my lifelong goal of getting sexy men to drink more water.
I don’t want to fuck this man badly. If we’re gonna do it, I want to do it well. So after a few sips I give him a flirty little smile and try to initiate a make-out that’s a bit more connected. Not formulaic snogging to unlock the next level of sex, but snogging at a pace that allows for this kind of physical conversation.
I straddle him and cup his face in my hands, gently brush my lips against his. I grind on him subtly, but without trying to yank his dick from his jeans and go straight to town. In response, he shoves his hands up my top and starts undoing my bra. I wriggle away. Kiss him again, and whisper ‘take your time, please – I’ve got this room all night!’ In response, he tells me he’s so horny though, and puts his hands on the fly of my jeans. I wriggle away again, and lie down beside him. I say ‘enjoy it, I’m not going anywhere’ then give a little laugh so he knows it’s all chill. In response, he rolls on top of me and shoves his hands up my top, snogging with so much intensity he doesn’t even realise that I am trying, once more, to wriggle away.
As I say, in my 20s I’d have fucked him anyway. Make of that what you will. But I’m 40 now, and life has given me confidence. I cup his jaw in one hand and physically push him away. He lets me – as I say, he’s not a rapist. I nudge his face away, gently but decisively, and look him dead in the eye. I adopt my hottest, honed-by-audio-porn voice and tell him:
“Listen to me carefully, I’m saying this with feeling cos it matters: please slow down.”
He blinks once, twice, and then swallows. I think with surprise and desire. If I’m not imagining it (and I’m not) I feel his cock pulse inside his jeans, where he’s previously been pressing it to my crotch.
And I finally put my finger on the hard-to-catch emotion I was feeling earlier on. It’s a kind of nostalgia. Like I’m remembering a person I used to know. Someone I like. A woman who is slutty and courageous – the ‘girl on the net’ I was in my mid-to-late twenties – but now with extra layers of experience. I don’t have a word for this feeling, but I bet the Germans do: it’s the sensation of remembering what it’s like to truly be me.
Staring into his dark eyes as if I want to devour him, I tell this man that I’m keen to fuck but only if he’ll slow the fuck down. And as I whisper that I remember… holy shit! I’m extremely good at this! I’m no longer some 20 year old gagging for the wham-bam of a validation fuck: I’m a woman well into adulthood who knows what sex she wants and is willing and able to ask for it.
“Slow down,” I tell this stranger. “I really want to fuck you. This opportunity won’t disappear just because you don’t pounce upon it quick enough. Let’s enjoy the journey, yeah?”
Fair play to him. He heard me.
Part 2 of my efficient dating experience is now live on the site. You might be surprised by how this ends.
16 Comments
“my lifelong goal of getting sexy men to drink more water.”
and with that, I took a swig of water from my gym bottle on my desk as I was reading this. Thanks for the reminder 😂
(This does not mean I consider myself sexy though, to be clear)
That was super hot. As a single man who is currently using the dating apps I am jealous of your ability (most women’s ability to some extent, but especially yours) to match with people that efficiently for casual encounters. In my dreams…
I wanted to offer some male perspective on the tendency to sometimes move too quickly because I know one reason that I sometimes do that. Most men suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction and a very real risk – especially on a first encounter – is an erection that goes away and won’t come back. I try to remind myself that if my dick gets soft then there are many other things that we can do, but inevitably part of me would like the more intense stimulation that I get when I’ve got a rock-solid dick. Slowing down the process can mean that the hardon will go away and not return. My ex-girlfriend and I would try to manage this balancing act together because while she enjoyed lots of foreplay (as do I!) she also liked getting fucked, so sometimes we’d do some of the “foreplay” afterwards.
Anyway, that’s one reason men might hurry.
Hey Bruce, ah yeah I get that – and I fully understand why that must be stressful, especially if you’ve only recently met someone. I think my ideal thing for someone to do in that scenario would be *say something*, or focus on the moment and enjoy it even without getting hard. When I say sex is about communication, and connection, this is one of the things I think I’d love us to be able to communicate about more/better. But I understand why that is quite a challenge for some people, societal shame is hard to shake off and many people have had partners who’ve reacted in shamey or otherwise deeply unhelpful ways if they have mentioned it. I’d love it if more people felt comfortable saying these things in the bedroom (and also, I’d love it if their partners could make sure to welcome the openness and honesty rather than being a dick because the other person’s dick was behaving… exactly as many dicks often do in stressful situations). I’ve written a bit on this before: https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/cant-get-an-erection/ https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/how-to-take-a-viagra-sexily/
But yeah, I understand that slowing things down might cause some difficulties for some people. And if I were one of those people I’d use ‘how someone acts when they realise you can’t get hard’ as a litmus test of whether they’re a person who’s decent enough to deserve a nice shag in the first place.
I disagree with Bruce fears and it’s not something a mature man (I assume you weren’t cradle snatching ;) ) should be worried about. I’ve had enough casual sexual encounters and enough problems erection problems to know it’s not going to be a problem with a women you’ve got good chemistry with, have genuine attraction to and are comfortable with if you’ve managed to get 1 erection you’re capable of another yes it might go but it’ll come back with avengeance at some point in those conditions.
if you do lose your erection you might suffer a bit of indignity and have a disappointed woman on your hands but if she’s reacting badly it’s very unlikely either of you have lost out on some sort of earth shattering experience.
Lol yeah I definitely wasn’t cradle-snatching, this guy was older than me ;-) HOWEVER (big ‘however’ for emphasis, I’m not just shouting I promise) there is a big difference between age and experience. Some people might be mature in age but lacking in experience, especially when it comes to casual sex. For example, someone who’s been married for 20 years and recently divorced might actually have little to no experience of casual sex and have their experience mostly shaped by their ex partner (for better or worse). And others might just not have had the opportunity many times in life to get it on with someone brand new after a very short connection. I understand what you’re saying, and what Bruce talks about isn’t necessarily going to happen to everyone, but when we’re talking about bodies (and the way that nerves/worry/other mental things can affect them) it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience is going to be different.
Fully fully agree with this though: “if she’s reacting badly it’s very unlikely either of you have lost out on some sort of earth shattering experience.” And I think a lot of people could do with remembering that they have a responsibility to be gentle and accepting with their partners’ bodies at all times. Personally I have a rule that I don’t want any sort of shaming (including self-shaming) or conflict/trouble in my bedroom. That should be a safe space where both/all of us know that we will never be told off, yelled at, shamed, or otherwise harmed.
2 hours? It’s nice to know some people can get dates on those things. I can’t get a single date on them and I signed up over a month ago. Women have it easy and this guy got lucky. This whole story makes me miserable as fuck.
12 hours total. But yeah. It is easier for women to find dates and the odds (of finding someone who’ll come hang out with us) are much better. We have different challenges, though, like safety, and being treated like people once we’re on those dates rather than treated like video games which will dispense some sex if men only press the right buttons. Understanding the difference in our challenges is one of the best ways to increase success on the apps, in my opinion. Here’s a vid that a guy I occasionally shag sent to me to help show the scale of the difference, which might be useful if you’re feeling demoralised and want to understand a little of why the odds thing is not your fault: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3lypVnJ0HM And the section in this titled ‘scarcity mindset’ https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/emotional-honesty-faith-in-dating/
FWIW, if you’re a straight man, the best advice I can offer is to send very specific, targeted messages to people and make sure you have a) read a woman’s profile b) shown that you have done that/shown genuine interest in *her* specifically c) given a specific offer/call to action/QUESTION that she can answer and d) considered how you’re showing yourself to be safe/welcoming/chill/not too pushily sexual.
My best advice for women is to MESSAGE FIRST. Stop waiting for men to match with you and only choosing from those who ‘like’ you or message ‘hey’ – actively go out and find/message men whose profiles you like the look of.
Here’s some advice on writing profiles, which should be helpful for both: https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/best-online-dating-profile/
Don’t underestimate the advantage of being in London. The last dating site I tried showed me 60 people, two of whom were within a 90-minute radius and not across an international border or umbridgable body of water. These sites seem to have trouble understanding that borders exist or that people mostly want to date or hang out with people they can get to in an hour or less.
I can’t imagine looking for a stranger to go to a concert with and finding them that same day.
Yeah absolutely- London is the best place in which to do this. Although the gig I went to wasn’t London based, so I had to edit my settings to city where it was at. Still a city though, so still lots of options. Though even with that it was notably significantly less than London. I think because you can set you radius fairly wide in London and good public transport means it’s still do-able, where other cities don’t get the same convenience. (Just banging the drum once more for better investment in transport infrastructure outside London! I think Manchester has way better PT these days but some other cities are still woefully underserved)
One thing I like about Girl on the Net’s recent posts is the frank talk about how although she has more sex and romance than many people, and more lovers than most people, she still feels a lot of anguish, just about “how can I keep this guy?” or “why did that guy leave me/force me to leave him??” or “how can I find the next guy?”
Ah thank you Aeneas! To be honest the key question is less about ‘how can I get/keep’ a guy and more about ‘how can I find a guy who genuinely treats me well?’ – they very rarely leave me, they just… do not treat me well. Would absolutely love some advice from someone who dates and finds that men treat them nicely. That’s the absolute dream.
I wish I knew how to word that better, just wanted to put it out there for Mothra that being unable to find someone to date or snog can feel bad, but so can being in a bad relationship or having to end a relationship. I don’t think I ever knew anyone face to face who had the kind of adventurous love life that you have (I am about your age and I remember knowing two people face to face who talked about dating a series of people, let alone shagging them).
I would like to think there is a way to connect lonely but decent guys with horny women who keep finding themselves with guys who don’t treat women very well
This comment is interesting and I’d love to unpack it a little – I have been pondering it for a while since you posted.
Let’s start here: I think you’re doing sterling work reminding Mothra (and others who read the comments) that ‘being unable to find someone to date or snog can feel bad, but so can being in a bad relationship or having to end a relationship.’ It’s a very valuable thing to say, and I think it gels with what I’m trying to do with my dating posts at the moment: highlight that there are SO MANY men who say they want a date/shag/relationship, but who – once handed exactly that – drop the ball on it so spectacularly. In some cases just failing to treat women as people, or failing to show any curiosity on dates, and in other cases often much worse things (like gaslighting/cheating/shouting at their partners and causing serious damage). That’s my frustration in a nutshell, that if you want to get a date/shag/relationship, it is not enough to just show up wanting it, you have to put the work in to keeping it – asking your date questions, treating your partners well and with care, etc. It is nice to have that heard, so thank you =)
Your final sentence gave me pause though: “I would like to think there is a way to connect lonely but decent guys with horny women who keep finding themselves with guys who don’t treat women very well”. I’d like this too! But how do we define/identify ‘lonely but decent guys’? Well, the only way we do that is by reading their profiles, talking to them, and dating them. That’s what I do! My favourite type of guy (judging by my dating history) is a nerdy, introverted kind of dude. I like shy guys, especially if I can bring them out of their shell when they’re with me, help them feel comfortable talking about their nerdy stuff, and generally share with me in some of my own. Shy guys are much much harder to meet in a real world context (and if I’m honest, I am SHIT at chatting people up in the real world), so the only way to meet them really is online – dating apps, forums, social media (I dated a guy I met on Mastodon for instance, and that is clearly a nerdy channel). So that’s how I tend to meet guys.
And I date the guys, sometimes shag the guys, and so many of the ones who would absolutely have self-identified as ‘lonely but decent’ turn out to not be the latter at ALL. As evidenced by the fact that I’ve had so very many dates with men who don’t ask anything about me, men who believe they’ll get to bang me if they only follow a formula for ‘getting generic woman into bed’, etc (please do check out part 2 of this when it’s up – I think people will find it surprising). So then I write posts where I try to tell men that honestly, I am pretty easy to please: I just need to be treated like a person. But often those kind of posts are greeted with hostility or bitterness in the comments – usually from men who would likely self-identify as ‘lonely but decent.’ Look at Mothra’s comment, for example. In response to a piece where I showed that it’s *possible* for men to meet women on dating sites and have fun experiences, Mothra said “Women have it easy and this guy got lucky. This whole story makes me miserable as fuck.”
Which… doesn’t seem particularly kind, to be honest. I get it, some things (finding dates) are easier for women. But viewing it so one-sidedly is, to my mind, the sign of someone who hasn’t tried to empathise with women *as people*. You also need to weigh up the safety aspect (I’ve had some amazing experiences in my life but I’ve also been raped twice, and sexually assaulted more times than I could bother to sit down and count) as well as the low-key shit behaviour (being treated like I’m a vending machine for sex, being ignored/belittled/dismissed/talked over etc). I know you know this, hence your comment, so I think all I’m saying here is that there’s another layer: in order to be ‘decent’ a guy needs to *recognise* what you’re articulating in your comment and act accordingly in the dating process, if he wants to actually build a decent connection with someone. Loneliness isn’t cured by putting a profile up and racking up loads of matches, it’s cured by building genuine, caring, two-way connections with people you recognise as equal. Which is my very long-winded way of saying that ‘lonely but decent guys’ rings alarm bells with me, because of how so many ‘lonely but decent’ guys have treated me in the past – including in comments like Mothra’s. And any site which sought to match me with men who self-identified as that would have me running for the hills. Because labelling yourself ‘decent’ means nothing (and in fact can often be a smokescreen for shit behaviour) without the work to back it up.
Final point, and it’s a boring one (sorry): “I don’t think I ever knew anyone face to face who had the kind of adventurous love life that you have (I am about your age and I remember knowing two people face to face who talked about dating a series of people, let alone shagging them)” Thanks =) I am flattered. And I definitely never take my luck for granted – I’ve been very very lucky to know many people throughout my life who have given me astonishing experiences, and I am grateful to each and every one of them. However, ultimately I am not about racking up numbers, and (other than some brief attempts to convince myself I was polyamorous – which failed) my goal with dating has usually been to find *one person* with whom I can get really stuck in to love and sex: https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/decades-of-sex/ So yes, I am lucky to have known so many people. But I have been in love 4 times in my life, and outside those people most of the dates and sex I’ve had has been part of a journey to find one person with whom I can build something. As I say, not complaining. I might never meet that someone and that’s OK – I can die very happy tomorrow having known love, and I hope that everyone who wants it gets to experience and enjoy it when the time is right, and the person is right, for them. I don’t want my sex life to be judged on the *number* of people I’ve banged though – the best sex I have is with people I know well, and connect with, and (sounds cheesy but) love.
Hi GotN, thanks for spending so much time on the reply. I am totally emotionally exhausted because it is 2025 but I will try to say some things.
I think that many people, especially many people unhappy about their sex lives, have the idea that either “doing all the things with all the people” is the best possible sex life, or “getting into a long-term cohabiting relationship” is the best kind of sex life, when each of those can be fun for some people some of the time but has significant downsides. People might also not see how one salacious story grows out of a month spending 30 minutes after work on dating sites or apps, and two boring dates.
Feeling that the guy across the table thinks of you as a claw machine that delivers blow jobs not stuffed animals does not sound fun.
Of the two ways of talking about dating on the Internet, “talk about my own experiences” seems less unproductive than “talk about cultural archetypes about how men or women supposedly behave” so I will try that.
I have talked about how when I have been on dating sites, in the cities I have lived in, I mostly see people more than 90 minutes or a ferry ride away or across a border. So personally I think my funnel fails at 1) meet people you fancy, not 2) let them know, or 3) behave in a way which does not turn them off.
I am about your age, first used the Internet in the 1990s, and I can think of two times where mailing lists, forums, or social media put me in contact with someone within 500 km who I did not already know in person. One lead to a new hobby, the other to volunteering.
I saw one romantic relationship get started (a housemate at uni who was nudged into asking another housemate out). Another friend has texted a bit about a guy she met online. So I really don’t know what interacting with someone you fancy might look like except my occasional not-very-successful attempts. I know I can’t trust novels, movies, or TV! I am mentioning these things because as in the post about the “fuck referral network” I think you and some of your commentators might live in circles with very different customs around sex and romance and it would be easy to talk past one another. Just like some bitter guys might take for granted that being beaten or raped is not a risk on dates.
OK so! Firstly, I very much get the emotional exhaustion Aeneas – please don’t feel like you have to respond in depth (or at all) if you don’t want to. This is my job, after all, and even I don’t always wade in down in the comments if I don’t feel like I have anything to add (or the energy to add it). So no pressure. I realised recently the thing I wanted to say though, and I don’t think I really have said it properly or explicitly so here goes.
I totally get that it is hard to find matches, and for men it is much much harder than for women. I understand it, I feel men’s pain. I personally do what *I* can do to try and circumvent this problem by messaging men first where possible. I didn’t on *this* date because I needed them to have read my bio and want to come see this specific band, but on a generic dating level, I try to message men first rather than just fish from the matches I have. I advise all women to do this.
So broadly we’re talking here about what you say is step 1 of. the funnel: “I have talked about how when I have been on dating sites, in the cities I have lived in, I mostly see people more than 90 minutes or a ferry ride away or across a border. So personally I think my funnel fails at 1) meet people you fancy”
Obviously I can’t advise people to… just move to a massive city… that would be disingenuous and silly. I can’t do much about how many people are showing up in your matches from nearby, nor can I do much more than I already have in advising people how to write good online dating profiles that catch the eye of the kind of people you wanna meet: https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/best-online-dating-profile/
Frankly, the only point I can help and intervene is at the point when people have the matches and are *starting to exchange messages and/or go on dates*, because other than advice on how to write a profile, this is the first point at which *I get to interact with men* and therefore get a feel for why it is that so many seem to have such poor luck.
AND HERE is the crux:
If everyone’s right (and I agree, they are) that it’s really hard to get a match with/response from a woman who wants to date you… why is it that, when I am there literally BEING that woman, so many men hurl that opportunity straight into the bin by not treating me with basic levels of respect? Why don’t they ask me any questions? Why don’t they engage with kindness/respect? Why did so many men on this particular app – upon getting what I’m told is a VERY RARE and EXCITING match – choose to utterly waste that opportunity by simply messaging ‘hey’? I cannot fathom it.
I physically cannot hunt down lonely/horny men any more efficiently than I am already doing. I promise I am doing my absolute best. And yet! When I find them, and message them, and show enthusiasm, that’s a red-hot match right there! If men are right (and I AGREE THEY ARE) that matches are hard to come by on the apps, then why oh why, when they get them, do they treat them as if they’re used tissues to be discarded rather than the gold dust I have been led to believe they are? I get that one might be demoralised by how long it’s taken to get a match but… why then are they taking out that feeling on the ONE PERSON who is EAGER to give them what they want? I don’t get it. At all. And Mothra’s comment rubbed me up the wrong way because… yeah… like… why are you being rude and dismissive to someone who is literally doing the thing that apparently you’d like more women to do?
What, exactly, do men want me to do about this problem? Cos I feel like I’m doing my level best. They complain that it’s hard to get a foot in the door, I am complaining that I’ve opened my door and they walk through it only to treat me like trash… and then I get comments from men about how hard it is to get in the door. We’re talking at cross purposes, and that’s what I can’t fix.
And yeah, as I say, you don’t need to reply to this if you don’t want to, this is something I’m trying to work out and talk through and it’s helpful to read what other people think, but it isn’t your job to be an interlocutor to help me write ideas for my next blog post so no pressure if you don’t want to.
This is a good point: “I think you and some of your commentators might live in circles with very different customs around sex and romance and it would be easy to talk past one another. Just like some bitter guys might take for granted that being beaten or raped is not a risk on dates.” And I agree. But I also think you maybe do me a bit of a disservice if you assume I don’t know this already – I move in very fucky circles. I know it, I get it. And there have been times in my life when I haven’t, and have had to put myself out there in ways that are wildly outside my comfort zone in order to access those circles. I deliberately follow, chat to, boost, encourage people who are the kind of people I want to date/be friends with/hang out with, and I also (here’s a good tip for introverts) have a few VERY extroverted friends to whom I make it very clear I would like to be invited to stuff/introduced to others. Extroverts are often really delighted to do this, and leaning on their networks can help.
But yeah, broadly, I am in those circles because I put myself there, and I have arranged *my entire life* around friendship and closeness and connection, and – whether in or out of a relationship – sex. It’s something I have made a priority and I work really hard to try and *be* the sort of person with whom people want to have sex. It is frustrating when people say ‘ah yeah but you’re really successful at this, so don’t expect others to be’ because a) I don’t expect others to be instinctively, that’s why I share advice and b) very often the people who say they aren’t good at this are ones who have not done what I have done, and worked at dating/love/relationships for the best part of 2 decades. Like yeah, of course you’re not gonna be amazing at it. But I can point you in the right directions to work on if you want to try. This is a piece from ages ago that I think captures a bit of what I’m trying to say here. At a certain point, if what you’re doing isn’t working, you may need to step outside your comfort zone. https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/on-making-your-sexualfantasy-come-true/
“Judging” is a difficult word, but one of the troubles with sex and dating advice is that most people don’t date or shag enough people to have a very wide perspective even if they are capable of looking at their experiences with disinterest which so few are. I think many introverted and autistic guys read sites like this, or Pervocracy, or Rich and Stoya’s column for Slate, because they want to hear from people whose experience is broader than intermittent casual dating → long-term undramatic relationship → long period of singleness … which is how their most experienced friends handle relationships (because likes attract right? so introverted autistic guys mostly know other introverts and autists, and when you add that men in the rich English-speaking countries don’t tend to talk about relationships very much and that everyone lies about sex there can be a real information vacuum).
Its a fair point that you only had a series of relationships because each of them had to end! And that you pretty much only have success meeting men online. Next time I have emotional energy for dating sites or apps I will reread your posts before creating or updating my profile.