Girl on the Net

This perfect restraints kit has lived rent-free in my head for a number of years. I’m a clumsy, eager fucker and when I engage in bondage, I do so in the same clumsy, eager way that I go about the rest of my fucks. I’m rubbish at knots, and can’t be bothered to learn, so the restraints that have won a permanent place in my bedroom are usually simple to use. Think cuffs with buckles, or ideally velcro. These door jam cuffs that I got many years ago were my favourite for a while. They’re so easy, and so effective: I love them. When asked what would be on my bucket list for the perfect restraints kit, I hankered after this Sportsheets under the bed restraints system for literally YEARS. Then finally I got one, and not long after I set it up, I broke up with my boyfriend. So I couldn’t actually use it. FFS.

I love my sponsors, and The Pleasure Garden especially – they’re inclusive, ethical and sell a glorious range of body-safe sex toys (without any gendered language in sight – hooray!) – but I don’t love them enough to shag a random guy just so I can test out my restraints kit. They wouldn’t expect me to either – that’s how ethical they are. So my longed-for Sportsheets restraints kit has sat unused for many months, taunting me with perfectly-placed ankle and wrist cuffs that stick out from beneath my mattress, just waiting for me to bring a deserving man home and strap him down ready for use.

Have any men stepped up yet? No. Well… maybe a few. But with casual shags it’s much harder for me to launch into BDSM. For kink I need to be really comfortable with someone, so I tend not to do it with people I don’t know super well. Which means despite having had this kit for six months or so, and despite it being something I hankered after for YEARS, I still haven’t done anything with it. I promise you all that the second I find a man worthy of being velcroed to my bed and then ridden like a carousel pony, you’ll be the very first to know. Or vice versa, to be honest, I’m a switch and I’m not fussy: if I meet someone who’ll use these velcro ankle cuffs to secure my legs wide open then lube me up and fuck me in the ass while I squirm against my bonds… I’ll be drafting a post with all the details before you can say ‘Sliquid.’

Anyway.

In the meantime, it’s criminally offensive for me to leave a sponsor product languishing without any promo for months, especially when that sponsor is as wonderful as The Pleasure Garden (follow them on BlueSky here!). So instead of forcing myself to bang a man halfheartedly in the name of content, or write erotic fiction (which I tried but then failed at because I got too jealous of my characters – true story, I’m such a loser at the moment) I am instead going to launch full-heartedly into a few of the fantasies I have about using this perfect restraints kit, in the hope that one or two might inspire you enough to buy one and have all the fun I am currently missing out on. As with every product post I write, it’s not so much a review as an ode to the product… in the form of overeager porn. YOU’RE WELCOME.

What is this restraints kit?

You’ll need to know a few details for these fantasies to make sense, so let’s get that out of the way first: this restraints kit consists of four velcro cuffs attached to some very long, very sturdy straps which are designed to slip neatly under your mattress. It’s an absurdly, brilliantly simple thing to set up – you just remove the mattress from your bed, line up the straps beneath it, then put the mattress back on, and the cuffs will be sticking out from beneath the mattress wherever you’ve placed them.

I’m not going to tell you where to put each cuff, that’s up to you. The whole restraints kit is adjustable, with plenty of length on the straps, which can also be tightened, so you can use it in almost any conceivable position and it’ll work. You can also do fun stuff like weave the straps around your headboard/footboard if you have gaps there, which increases your position possibilities even further.

I have a king size bed (like a princess) and there’s still plenty of length on the straps to play with. What’s more, if you want to have this restraints kit permanently set up (as I do, because hope springs eternal), but you don’t want anyone to see the telltale sign of black velcro cuffs peeking out from the side, you can just tuck those under your mattress or in the gap between mattress and bed frame. Voila! Your wicked, delicious sins are hidden from prying eyes.

Apologies for the terrible photo quality, and the state of my bed. I haven’t bothered to tidy my bedroom in a long time because I’ve been waiting for the men of London to up their game. ANYWAY. Onto the SMUT. 

Woken, restrained, with a blow job

I’ve been with a fair few guys who have expressed a desire to be woken up with a blow job. And – cards on the table – it’s one of my favourite things to do. There’s a challenge implicit in getting you hard before your eyes are open, but that challenge is often on easy mode because of how the body works and the likelihood of marble-hard morning wood. Fuck yes.

The thing I dream about most often with this kit is subtly restraining a guy in the morning, while he’s still asleep. With his prior consent, of course. I like the idea of him waking up one day, solid and throbbing, to the sensation of my tongue against his balls. Letting out a few sleepy little murmurs of encouragement as he stirs, in that space that’s halfway between dreaming and reality. Maybe the sensation of my wet mouth enveloping the head of his cock flashes briefly into his dreams, the way real life sometimes does.

I like the idea of him starting to stir, then realising his wrists and ankles are tied. You can do this sort of thing with velcro, because it’s easy to get on and off. No messing about with knots or needing someone to hold position. When I first set this kit up under my mattress, I realised that the ease with which you can adjust the straps means it’s more than possible to restrain someone without requiring any effort on their part. I’d slip down the bed to where his ankles are, then lightly attach the two ankle cuffs, before nudging his arms open and doing his wrists as well. Gently kissing along his body the whole time – inner thighs, crotch, balls, that soft part at the base of his stomach where his dick will rest as it starts to get semi-solid…

Waking someone up with a blow job is always a joy. I love that moment of realisation when they come around, and understand that the sensations aren’t part of a dream but actual reality. The flash of hot delight in their eyes when they understand what’s happening. All these are incredible. So I think it would add a little extra something if they also came to rapidly comprehend that no matter how much they wanted to, they couldn’t fuck back. The teasing way I’d suck just gently at the tip, goading them into wanting to slide their dick deeper inside my drooling mouth, agonisingly unable to do more than just buck their hips to try and make that happen. Knowing that their wrists and ankles are restrained so they can’t grip me by the hair and tug me down to fill my throat with the fatness of their cock. Moaning with frustration as I take my mouth away, and trail kisses around their body to every single part except their twitching, aching dick.

Struggle-fuck challenge

I used to love struggle-fucking with a particular ex boyfriend. He was… soft voice, long-distance stare, slight drool… strong. Far bigger than I am and not afraid to use his greater strength to utterly conquer me, pinning my limbs to my sides and sitting on top while I wriggled and panted and tried to slip out of his grasp. There’s a type of fear that kicks in, when you’re play-fighting, which can occasionally trigger the same adrenaline you’d get in a real fight, especially when you realise you are defeated. Tripping that primal ‘predator versus prey‘ energy that sets your heart beating faster and floods your muscles with blood. The way this guy managed to trigger that instinct in me was so fucking hot. I think about it a lot, that power. The way I’d enter every single struggle-fuck scenario genuinely believing that this time would be the time I’d manage to win. Then embracing the rush of shame – followed by the cuntgush of happy horn – when I realised I was vanquished.

I think there’s potential in using this restraints kit for struggle-fucking too, as a means to give the stronger person a little more of a challenge. I genuinely think that – if he’d had one wrist restrained to the bed – I might just have been able to beat the strongest guy I’ve shagged. Maybe one ankle? My legs were definitely pretty strong because I cycled a lot when I knew him. I reckon perhaps if I’d been able to strap his ankles to the bed I’d have been able to give myself advantage in these fights. Bonus points if I could get one of his ankles restrained while he was trying to pin me. Velcro means you can do that, you see? All I’d need to do would be prepare, with one of the cuffs open, then manoeuvre our struggling to a particular edge of the bed and speedily reach for the cuff before slapping it on.

Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

Using this restraints kit to hamper a man in his attempts to wrestle me into submission is a common theme in quite a few of my fantasies right now. Maybe if I got one ankle tied, then the other would come soon after. And at that point he may have his arms free but a significant portion of his body is immobile.

And then, if I get one of his wrists secured too, I can straddle his waist and use all my weight to restrain his one free arm, pushing him down onto the bed as he pants and grins and admits defeat, before I claim him by sliding down his cock.

Ankles in wrist cuffs

The reason I initially wanted this restraints kit is because the straps that go beneath your mattress are adjustable, which means you can have long or short restraints depending on which position you’re in, or longer restraints that become shorter as you get a little more flexible. That means with careful positioning of the straps at the top of the bed – looping them through the gaps in the headboard – I could use this kit for restraining my ankles above my head while getting brutally railed. As illustrated very neatly in this gorgeous image by Stuart, which originally accompanied this post from 2012…

Image by the amazing Stuart F Taylor

This used to be one of my favourite sex positions – it’s not had much of an airing in recent years because I haven’t been fucking men who have an obsession with giving it to me nice and hard and deep like my Big Ex used to. I understand the physical sensations are better on the head of your dick if it’s closer to the entrance to my cunt, and I get that for many dudes shallow penetration is what they need in order to come. But consider this: when I am folded in half and pinned down before I’m pounded, the depth that you achieve with your cock slams deep into me with a force that knocks the breath out of my body. The knowledge that you’re slamming bruises into my cervix with each powerful fuckstroke. It hurts, but it’s a good-good hurt. The kind of hurt I want. Spanking and slapping and grabbing is all very well, but ultimately the best kind of pain happens when you hurt me with your dick.

When we used to fuck like this, the guy who was slamming it into me would grip tight to the restraints that were holding my ankles in place, and tug on them for leverage. Getting even deeper. Fucking even harder. Like I was his own personal Fleshlight.

I think about that a lot too.

Buy a Sportsheets restraints kit

I have plenty more ideas where these came from, my friends. And I really hope I get the chance to act some of them out in the future. In the meantime, if you liked any of the ideas above, please for the love of fuck buy one of the kits yourself. It might be a while before I find a worthy boyfriend, and in the meantime it would make my heart happy if I knew some of you lot were ticking these off your bucket lists in my stead.

Sportsheets under the bed restraint system: £65.99 (use code GOTN10 for 10% off anything on the site)

If you’re on a budget or you just fancy a different position for restraining someone, I also massively rate these Sportsheets door jam cuffs: £28.99, code GOTN10 for 10% off.

Other awesome things on the Pleasure Garden site include a really wonderful collection of strap harnesses, this fabulous doggie harness which I used to absolutely love because it allows someone to rail me really hard with grip (many of these harnesses and restraints are also super helpful if you have mobility issues), and a glorious, gay range of dildos in a huge variety of shapes.

If you have this restraints kit or you choose to buy one, please consider pitching me a guest blog about it so I can live vicariously through your glorious adventures.