Girl on the Net

Many years ago I used to write for a website called The Debrief: a magazine-style site run by Bauer Media that has since disappeared. Thanks to my recent sex blogging anniversary (I’ve now been doing this for ELEVEN YEARS!) I’ve been taking a few trips down memory lane and contemplating how lucky I am to have spent so long making a living from what I can only describe as ‘this horny bullshit.’ The Debrief gave me a great start in freelance writing, and my editor allowed me the freedom to do some pretty awesome stuff: writing sex position guides which were entirely gender neutral (a practice that was rare in 2014, and which often got sub-edited back into ‘he’ and ‘she’ if I submitted similar pieces to other magazines); smashing stigma around things like period sex and discharge; writing articles about how to wank in front of someone without feeling like a complete tit; even getting to interview fucking STOYA. You know Stoya? Off of porn? I met her in real life! We chatted for ages about the problems with tube sites and I learned so much from her. I had a blast, that’s the point. And I got paid £100 per article for doing it. All the stuff I wrote for The Debrief disappeared along with the website, but it still exists in my email. And as I’m feeling nostalgic, I thought I’d share one of my faves. This is a piece I wrote in 2014, when I emailed a bunch of my ex partners and asked them to review my performance in bed. You’ve met some of these people on the pages of this blog, and I’ll catch you up on who’s who at the end. Here’s what they thought of my shagging skillz when I popped into their inboxes ten years ago to ask their opinion…

Note: the article republished below contains a lot of references to drunk sex (I’m not recommending you shag people when you’re hammered, but it was very common practice when I was in my 20s and I assure you all of us consented to the activities), plus the odd dated joke about some exes not wanting me to contact them. These are only jokes though, I promise. One person was mildly annoyed to be asked, but I assure you no exes were harmed in the making of this.

I asked my exes to review my sexual performance

I tell you, people: you may have climbed mountains and had careers and done a whole tonne of weird and wonderful drugs, but you haven’t truly lived until you’ve contacted a bunch of your exes and asked them to review your sex performance.

The only person who’s 100% qualified to give you sex tips is your partner, which is why I get hacked off when remote sexperts claim they can give you the Secret Tricks To Please Your Man In Bed. If you want to know what to do better, ask the person you’re with. But on the off-chance that you’re currently single, or the person you’re with is terrified of pissing you off, then you can certainly do worse than asking the guys and girls who’ve been generous enough to sleep with you in the past.

So I did. I emailed a bunch of my exes with three questions:

• What did I do well?
• What could I do better?
• And can you give me some sort of rating, so I can add it to my LinkedIn profile?

It turns out you learn a fair bit when you go all ‘High Fidelity’, and my first lesson was that not all of your exes will reply to your emails. At least two of them will ignore you completely, presumably getting ready to file for a restraining order, and one or two will express their general discomfort and ask you to never do this again.

Initial reactions from those who did it ranged from ‘this is a weird thing to do, I wish I’d never slept with you in the first place’ to ‘this is like the worst anxiety dream I could ever have.’ The question, by the way, not specifically the sex.

Let’s begin…

The one-night stand

This was a gentleman I met a long time ago. He was the first person I asked to review me, mainly because, despite a few other opportunities, we only had sex the once. We became friends once we’d put our clothes back on, but there was a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that he hadn’t particularly enjoyed the experience, and that every time we went out for drinks he was secretly thinking I had a rubbish vagina. Turns out either I needn’t have worried, or he’s suffered from such awful trauma that he’s rewritten the whole episode in his mind.

He’s written it in the style of a teacher writing an end-of-term report, because he is excellent like that.

Of course it’s very unusual to have to write a report so long after the fact, but I think I vaguely recall the student. Let me see. When GOTN first joined my class, I saw so much potential. She was able to take instruction well, flew through the written exam, and her oral was nothing less than flawless. So it would be extremely tempting to give her top marks. However, there is some room for improvement.

While GOTN is an exceptional student, she can be overeager to go straight to the practical, and ignore the underlying theory. While this is admirable in many ways, sometimes a simple kiss or an enquiry about one’s day can improve the emotional connection (and the subsequent practical) immeasurably.

Final Grade: A-

Woo hoo! I aced the oral! And the only thing I struggle with is forming emotional bonds with other human beings! Which, when you think about it, is totally… oh no wait that’s probably not great, is it? Still, my main worry – that he’d have thought me a lazy and/or terrible physical specimen – proved unfounded, so let’s move on…

The fuck-buddy

This review was given face-to-face, while both of us were fairly hammered, which by fortunate coincidence is exactly how we used to fuck.

I knew this guy for a couple of years, and I think our friendship was mostly based on the fact that we were usually the last two in the bar when it came to closing time. Of all the people whose arms I managed to twist into reviewing me, he was the least enthusiastic because, and I quote: ‘I can’t remember that well, if I’m honest.’

An excellent start.

You were very casual about the whole thing, which worked. Remember that time we left [name of mate] in the pub then popped back to mine for a shag? That was pretty fun. I think you gave quite good head as well.

What could be improved? The cat walked in once, and that was quite off-putting. Also you kept leaving stuff at my house and so I’d have to pretend that your socks were my socks when other people came over.

Marks out of 10? I’m not going to give you marks, stop it! No, really. Serious… OK, fine. If you keep nagging I’ll give you a six.

Six! Not too shabby, as long as it’s out of 10 and not a percentage. I’m quite glad he mentioned the socks thing, too, as it gives me something tangible to improve upon without having to slaughter the cat.

The amazingly hot threesome

This lady joined my partner and I for an exceptionally sexy evening. It was pretty much the best night of his life, and bloody good fun for me too. At least, it was fun, until I fucked it up by getting overly anxious and committing the cardinal sin of all threesomes: panicking that they both fancied each other more than they fancied me.

So how was it for her? Did I totally ruin a beautiful thing, or did it pass muster despite my incompetence?

You were brilliantly enthusiastic, which was excellent. You really fucking enjoy what you’re doing, and given that one of my biggest turn ons is other people getting off, it was amazing. I also think we are similar in what we like in bed, so it was all quite intuitive which was awesome.

What could be improved: I suppose the thing in our case is communication. If you’d told me before we did anything that you wanted to set the pace and guide us into what you were comfortable with, that would have been great. But, you know, we were all drunk and hindsight is always 20/20 :)

Marks out of 10: 8. I was too drunk to come, but I’m sure I would have if I’d been more sober. Really, I’d need another go before I could be absolutely sure about a score here. I’m game if you are.

Another go! She likes me! This is all very exciting – this ‘research’ has turned from a terrifying exercise into a great excuse for nostalgic masturbation.

One of the main things I’ve learned about talking to exes is that they’re not nearly as harsh on me as I am. It’s quite an ego-boost, to tell you the truth, and I thoroughly recommend you all have a go at it. Glowing healthily from her generous compliments, I thought the time was right to tackle the trickiest one…

The long term boyfriend

We’ve all been tempted to phone ex-boyfriends and ask ‘what did you really think of me?’ but usually restraint holds us back. Still, believe it or not The Debrief actually pays me for this stuff, so I figured I’d bite the bullet and ask someone significant.

This guy would be far easier to talk to if he’d had the decency to become incredibly ugly as soon as we broke up. Bafflingly, even though a hundred years have passed since we split, he’s not only still beautiful but also brimming with the kind of good will that I don’t come close to deserving.

After a fair few years getting to know each other’s kinks, he’s naturally the filthiest shag I’ve ever had. So I was pretty bloody curious – would he think the same of me? Here’s his appraisal:

Showing a frankly heroic commitment to filth, GOTN would tirelessly pursue almost any opportunity to get off. Chipped teeth, inadvertently yanked nipples and carpet-burned arses would barely slow her in her quest to grind out one more orgasm.

That hunger was what made GOTN so good at sex. Whether getting tied up in a box-room fetish bar, watching me buck and moan as a mutual lover began to bring me to climax, or just rolling on top for a straightforward goodnight fuck, there was always a glint there that showed how much it meant to her.

Things that could be improved: Though unquestionably an exhibitionist, GOTN’s performance in large group activities seemed somewhat hampered by a lack of confidence. Six months of counselling or seven JD and Cokes might help her perform more easily in such scenarios going forward.

Further, the appraiser would like to note that the candidate’s handjob technique – best described as “enthusiastically ham-fisted” for the majority of the relationship – underwent a radical and quite frankly suspicious improvement in the last few months, as the relationship became an open one.

Overall opinion: An unquestionable ten out of ten; would have expectations of filth set unrealistically high for life.

As you can see, this one was pretty emotional. Once I’d picked myself up off the floor, wiped away the tears of joy and run a couple of victory laps around my messy bedroom, my overriding emotion was one of intensely happy nostalgia. Nostalgia because why oh why must these experiences be so fleeting and temporary? And happiness because holy shit am I lucky to have met such an amazing (not to mention generous) guy.

Most people expect sex bloggers to be exceptional in bed – to ride their partners into as-yet-untouched realms of orgasmic delight and push boundaries they didn’t even know existed. As such I worry that shagging me is a something of a disappointment. That when I get my kit off and stumble into a wardrobe like any other clumsy human, my partner at the time is wishing he or she could make a quick getaway.

Although I’ve learned a fair amount about my failings (I need to engage more emotionally, stop getting so drunk that I lose my clothes or spoil a perfectly good threesome), it’s actually pretty nice to know that none of my bad points are total dealbreakers.

The main lesson I’ve learnt from this is that I should actually have a bit more confidence in my own abilities. It turns out that if the people you’re shagging are nice enough then, no matter how poor your performance, they’ll still give you an excellent review.

As I say above, this was originally written in 2014. If you’re curious about who each of these people are on the blog: the one night stand doesn’t have a specific post but he’s mentioned quite often as my friend who is experienced in dating. We’re still good mates, though I’m sad I don’t get to see him more often – he is funny and wise and he has the most beautiful cat. The fuck-buddy is number 16 (from back when I used to number my lovers, like a cunt). I don’t see him at all these days, but from what I see on Facebook he’s living the suburban family life he always dreamed of and that makes me smile. The hot threesome is my good pal Jess, who I love to pieces and have definitely fucked again, doing awesome things that you can hear about if you come and join me on Patreon. The long-term boyfriend is Number 8 – the guy who delivered my first spanking, joined a threesome in which I got a black eye, urged me to go fuck a lady that I fancied, encouraged me to piss in a sink, and oh god so much more. The last time I saw him was pre-Covid and we haven’t spoken for a while, so now I’m stuck in that trap of thinking it’s been so long it’d be weird if I invited him for a beer, which is annoying because I’d love to catch up. I hope he’s doing really well though. Oh! And the friend my fuckbuddy mentions, who we left in the pub so we could pop home for a shag? That was my best mate. He didn’t even notice we had gone.