Girl on the Net

It’s always exciting to introduce a brand new guest blogger, and today’s even more thrilling for me because this guest has recently launched a blog of her own! Say hi to @goddessdeeva, who runs the INGENIOUSLY titled Duct Tape and Daddy Issues, which you should check out if your appetite is whetted by this fabulously fuck-hungry and politically powerful guest piece – about attitudes to sex and why it’s important to question the dodgy messages we’re given about it.

Fuck the patriarchy, let’s get laid

I really like sex. I love being touched and there really is something about being touched by more hands than is socially acceptable that really gets me hot. One of my favourite sexual experiences was in Brighton with my husband and a guy I met on a swinging site. Four hands, two big cocks, two mouths… all that lust, all that cum, just for me. It was heady stuff and I was a big old pile of orgasms that night.

And the next morning when me and hubby talked about it. And as we fucked while talking about it. I’m getting a clit twitch just thinking about it. The only thing that would have made it better was more men.

At first, I could hear my mum’s voice saying, “you’re cheapening yourself” and then I realised that I really didn’t give a fuck. That I was loving a nice thick cock inside my cunt and another in my arse. It was bloody great. I had never felt so sexy – more in control of myself, my kinks and my sexuality – as I did then.

I don’t like to think of what I want sexually as ‘kinks’. Do I have kinks, or is everyone else just indoctrinated by the patriarchy and wider society? Is it inherently bad that I get turned on by the idea of corrupting a priest or is it just a ‘thing’? Did Eve commit Original Sin or did God and Adam need to get over themselves?

Rejecting dodgy attitudes towards sex

My mum had some weird and wonderful ideas about sex. These include, but are not limited to:

• No tampons till marriage – if you use tampons, you are not a virgin.

Apparently, if you use a tammy, your vagina will resemble the Dartford Tunnel forever. Note: this is not how it works.

• You shouldn’t marry the first man who asks, you should play the field.

This was a bit confusing. Was my virginity sacred or not? The worry here is that you would marry a man Not Very Good At The Sex and be miserable for your whole life.

• Giving your fella a handjob is only for when you are on your period. But if you don’t do it, he might have an affair.

If you want some period sex, but he doesn’t want to have blood-drenched sex with you while feeding you chocolate and preparing hot water bottles and ibuprofen, bin him and get a partner who is more compatible with what you want! If he is going to go and have an affair, make sure he leaves his keys on the way out. He should still be operating within the agreed boundaries of your relationship even if your fanny falls out.

• Oral comes under the purview of ‘Nice Girls Don’t’

Haha, my Mum would die if she knew that I have more than once had a cock in each hand, trying to stuff them both into my mouth. I am really orally fixated so I love the feel of things in my mouth.

• Anal is for gay men and sex workers.

And me. Anal is for me. Giving and receiving. She would lose her shit if she knew about the BDSM, not to mention the watersports.

Why do we carry these attitudes towards sex?

It’s not just my Mum who has expressed some weird attitudes towards sex. Men I’ve slept with have had some terrible opinions too – from ‘if you don’t get me off my balls will get so swollen they might explode’ (I’m curious, will it be an implosion or will they spatter the walls like a scrotal Jackson Pollock? I’ve got a damp cloth on standby – can’t wait to find out!) to ‘men who have threesomes with two women are super masculine, but women who have threesomes with two men are just dirty sluts’.

I find myself agreeing slightly with that final one, but only because when I am having a threesome with two men I am being a very dirty slut indeed – that’s what I like about it. I want them to tell me, too. Tell me what a dirty slut I am and how they are just using me for sex: I love it. Just don’t make it sound like this is a bad thing.

Fuck the patriarchy, let’s get laid

Sex is hot, sex is fun, and sex can be funny. If you cannot see the humour in a stray fart or a tumble over while attempting a position I call The Medieval Torturer, then I have no words for you. I am willing to cut you some slack for initial shock (we all have our societal conditioning to break out of), and of course not everyone’s going to lust after the same things but… if you give it careful thought and still conclude that there is something inherently wrong with getting off with fucking all comers in a mess of hot bodies then I feel sorry for your learned inhibitions.

I am not saying that everyone has to go out and have a threesome, just that maybe we could all do with questioning where the idea of ‘oh no, I couldn’t possibly’ comes from. Because for many of us… yes, we absolutely could.

Still in the “oh no, I couldn’t” camp? Ask yourself why. And then keep asking until you run out of answers that make any sense. The importance of challenging our conditioning was highlighted to me recently during a conversation with a friend (who I’ve slept with, and who I hope to shag again). She was trying to tell me that she couldn’t possibly have group sex. When I asked why she told me about her body: she didn’t think it was attractive.

Why? It was flabby. It had cellulite. No one would want to see it.

Why? It was nothing like those bodies on the telly – the ones which are held to a different standard.

Why are they held to a different standard? Who sets it? She replied ‘oh God, you’re going to say the patriarchy aren’t you?’

Yes. Absolutely. The patriarchy that keeps women down by holding us to a different standard, even though there’s fuck-all wrong with our bodies. I kept asking ‘why’ until we’d got to the root of the problem, and the root of the problem wasn’t her body at all.

Three weeks later she rang me up and said “Right, fuck the patriarchy, let’s get laid.”