Today I have an awesome bonus guest blog – Danielle Meaney is an awesome blogger, and she’d like to have a word about bisexuality.
Still Not Straight
I’ve watched with glee as attitudes towards the LGBT community have monumentally shifted in recent years. Last week’s decision by the US Supreme Court to allow nationwide same sex marriages is just one act in a long list of changes that mean more acceptance and tolerance for those that come under the LGBT banner, and by ‘those’, I mean ‘us’.
However, I feel like a forgotten member of the LGBT community; that really I have no right to identify myself as one of them, because no one else sees me as such. At least, not anymore.
I represent the ‘B’ in that famous and controversial acronym. I was aware that I was bisexual from a very early age, and I remember thinking about kissing girls long before I ever kissed my first boy. It wasn’t until I was sixteen, and rather drunk at a friend’s house, that I finally got my chance to try it. There were three of us girls there and, emboldened by the alcohol, I admitted that I had always been curious about women. One friend giggled a bit while the other enthusiastically agreed that she had too. What followed was a clumsy, fumbling attempt at getting each other off and a somewhat awkward atmosphere between the three of us the following morning. Still, it stuck in my mind as something that I had thoroughly enjoyed and absolutely wanted to repeat.
Despite the fact that I repeated it several times over the years, those who know me are often quite taken aback when they learn of my sexuality. Admittedly, the majority of my sexual experiences and all of my relationships have been with men. Plus, the same sex encounters that I have had have often been with women who otherwise identify as heterosexual, so I’ve not always been particularly open about them, as well as the fact that I’ve always been acutely aware of the stigma attached to bisexuality (several people I know refuse to acknowledge that it even exists). And, of course, there’s the fact that I’m married to a man.
More often than not, telling someone that I’m actually bisexual results in the response “well, you’re not anymore. You’re married”, and it is absolutely infuriating. If I’m completely honest, in a purely sexual sense, I prefer women. The kisses are softer, the sex never hurts and I just really, really love to give women head. I just so happen to be head over heels in love with a man because, shock horror, being bisexual means I enjoy both genders; the preference towards women just means that my poor husband probably doesn’t get as many blow jobs as he’d like.
The thing is, my desire for women hasn’t been switched off because I now have sex with one man and one man only. If anything, it’s slightly heightened because the actual ability to go out and satisfy it is demonstrably absent. However, I do believe that this would also be true if I were in a relationship with a woman instead. The main problem with being bisexual and in a committed relationship is that no partner is going to have all of the bits that you find attractive. So yes, I still consider myself to be bisexual. My husband still considers me to be bisexual. I am still bisexual.
Who my regular sexual partner is doesn’t define my sexuality. I was never a lesbian when I had stages of only sleeping with women, and I am not straight now that I’ve married a man. I’m sure that people going through a dry spell wouldn’t appreciate being told that they’re now asexual, so why should that rule be applied to me? Perhaps it’s because a lot of people still believe that bisexual people simply haven’t made up their minds yet and ‘picked a side’, or maybe it’s just that people believe I’ll have more chance of staying faithful if I identify myself on the straight and narrow from now on; that being bisexual means I have to have one of each gender on the go at any one time.
Truth is, I don’t know why people have such a hard time getting their heads around it, but for those who do, I’ll put it into simple terms: I am still very much a proud, bisexual woman. I’m just one who fell completely in love with one particular person of male definition, and discovered them to have more to offer than all of the women in all of the world.
If you enjoyed this blog, please do check out her own blog, as well as the other guest blog she wrote for me about sex after a c-section. You should also have a look at BiUK – the UK organisation for bisexual research and activism.
11 Comments
Wow that almost sums it up for me. I love my husband and only had one affair with someone of the same sex. It was a long time ago after my abusive marriage. She was a lesbian, she seduced me, but I wanted it, savoured it and thrilled to it for six months before becoming unfaithful for the only time in my life. I had an affair with a new man and realised that I loved his extra bit of flesh more than the gentle kisses and multiple orgasms of my bisexual period.
I don’t know if you can be a little bit bisexual, but I really enjoyed it while it was happening, but have never wished for or needed a second helping after it finished.
Can you be a little bit bisexual? I don’t know.
Great article.
I meant to say ‘abusive first marriage’. My current marriage is sheer bliss.
I think that’s an interesting question, Angela – and I reckon one definitely can be ‘a little bit’ bi, or what have you. I think our notions about straight/gay, and male/female are based on an understandable (if massively flawed!) desire to conceptualise everything on a binary. You’re either this or that. I suspect that’s where a lot of the misunderstanding of bisexuality comes from – Danielle, the author of this piece, talks about something that a lot of other bisexual people I know also experience, namely the idea that you ‘settle down’ to one side of a binary. But life – and sex especially – is always way more complicated and interesting than that! Thank you for sharing your experience, I think it’s really important to talk about this.
Reading this post, I was rather amused and wondering in what parallel world this woman must live in, that bisexuality was so foreign to her peers.
And that bisexuality isn’t ‘switched off’ just by being in a relationship follows from purely analytic judgement of the definition of bisexuality.
Also, At least in my mind, it’s pretty common knowledge that many women are easily attracted to women.
If you search the internet for it, you will quickly come across opinions:
‘Are all women really bisexual?’
‘Why Are So Many Girls Lesbian or Bisexual’
‘More than half of women are attracted to other women’, found by a study.
I like to say, only half jokingly: There are only two kinds of women.
Those who know they’re bisexual, and those who don’t know that yet.
You also mention that you regret not being able to have fun with other women because of your committed relationship.
Did you ever discuss the idea threesomes with your partner?
I find it hard to imagine he would turn down that opportunity.
If you are more adventurous and open-minded about relationships, you might also want to read about polyamory.
An FFM constellation could pretty much be a win-win situation for everyone involved, if you embrace your bisexuality and your partner is up for it.
We have been down the threesome route before but sadly it didn’t end well. Ironically, it was my own jealousy that spoiled things.
Polyamoury isn’t something that appeals to me, really. For me, if I’m in a relationship then I’m with that person and that person only. I married my husband in order to be committed to being with him and I happily take that very seriously. That said, I’m sure these sorts of relationships work very well for others who are more open to it.
I notice that you used “committed” as if it were an antonym of “polyamorous” in the original post. You did it again here.
Why?
You’re right. That’s wrong of me. I think it’s probably just a reflection of how I feel about marriage. I guess it’s a bit old fashioned in a sense, but I went into it wanting to be with my husband and my husband only. For me, this what marriage is all about.
My point in the original article is that I don’t need to be having a relationship with someone of each gender just because I’m bisexuality, which is what I was trying to back up with my previous comment.
I do apologise sincerely to anyone I may have offended. I’m quite ignorant to polyamory and what it means to those involved really, as it’s never been something that has crossed my mind. In hindsight, I can see how insensitive this came across.
I think it’s one of those ‘I get what you mean’ things – I got what you meant, and I don’t think you were being offensive! We do tend to use commitment and monogamy interchangeably – perhaps we shouldn’t, but it’s easy enough to slip up. I’m sure I’ve done it myself plenty of times!
Thanks for this post. I’m in the same position…bisexual but monogamous and married to a man. And still and will always be bisexual, even though married to a man.
However, I can say I don’t crave being with women any more than I crave being with men other than my husband (pretty much, not at all.) I am attracted to other men and women, but I don’t miss having sex with others. My husband is surprisingly “all I need an want”, however, this has more to do with how amazing our sexual chemistry is and his sexual talent than it has to do with my orientation.
I enjoyed your post, and thanks for sharing it.
Great post and yes, it’s an incredibly frustrating situation. I’m a bi man married to a bi woman. Finding an analogy that people can understand without too much issue has been tricky. In the face of accusations of “bi = swinger” I summed it up as: “We’re happy together and have no plans to ever split, but if we do then our next partners might not be the sex/gender you’re expecting”. But that leads to further issues, namely the notion of “proof”. Bah
As a married bisexual monogamous bloke, this obviously spoke to me somewhat. In fact, I only worked out I was bi once I was married, which is a fun one when you get the “well how do you know if you haven’t acted on it?” I crush on guys and gals – I’d have thought this was pretty simple!!
In fact, both me and my partner are bi and marching together tomorrow at Bristol Pride :)