Girl on the Net

I am not very good at saying ‘no’ to fun stuff. Some people have told me I have an ‘addictive personality’, but I think I just have no willpower. If something is available that gives me pleasure (cigarettes, dick, [redacted in case my Mum ever stumbles across this], wine, vodka, massively powerful wand vibrators, chocolate-covered peanuts, McCoy’s salt and vinegar crisps, etc etc etc) then I rarely have the inner strength to turn it down. So often the only way for me to avoid getting sucked in to unhealthy obsession with something is to avoid trying it in the first place. Unfortunately for me, Hot Octopuss is a sponsor of my website, so I was duty-bound to try out their new Kurve g-spot vibe: now I am addicted. Fuck you, Hot Octopuss.

What is the Hot Octopuss Kurve?

You might need backstory for this, so let’s begin with the JETT. It’s an innovative, weird-looking, kickass little penis vibe that’s designed to give two different types of vibration at the same time, delivered right on your frenulum. The silicone strap holds two bullet vibes in place – one ‘treble’ (high-frequency vibrations) and one ‘bass’ (lower frequency vibrations). Individually, these are just powerful bullet vibes, but combined they deliver a really unique thrumming whoosh of power. Each is individually controllable so you can merge and fuck with the intensity of each bullet until you (as the marketing says) ‘find your frequency’ – i.e. the frequency which makes you power-spaff halfway across the room.

That toy is for dicks, and I wrote more about the Hot Octopuss JETT here if you’re interested. Now, though, the technology from the JETT has been cunningly incorporated into a g-spot toy. So while I still need my trusty AMO bullet vibe or Zumio to give my well-worn clit the stimulation it needs, the Hot Octopuss Kurve means I can finally enjoy the ‘treble & bass’ technology deep in my eager little cunt.

Is the Hot Octopuss Kurve any good?

Yes.

Can you give us a bit more info on that please GOTN, you lazy fuck?

It’s really good.

Seriously, what even is the point of this if you’re not going to tell us all about it?

OK look: I have a dilemma here, because I keep having to write about sex toys and not only do I run out of innovative ways to say ‘this feels nice in my cunt’, I also end up in a weirdly awkward situation where I feel like I’m telling you all ‘OMG this is the greatest thing!’ every five minutes, and run the risk of you thinking I’m making it up just to sell some products. I’m not, because what’s the point? I could make the same money just recommending Doxy over and over until my tongue falls out, or reminding you how much I adore the We Vibe Nova 2 or the Zumio or the OffBeat or those kits you can use to clone dicks.

What’s more, because Hot Octopuss sponsor my website I feel inherently biased just writing about their stuff. If you buy through the links on my site you help keep my work going and make it so I can pay my bills, which is incredibly welcome and kind of you. But it also makes me feel like I’m accosting you in the street to ask about your double glazing needs.

Thanks, that’s the bollocks out of the way. What do you actually think about the Hot Octopuss Kurve?

The first time I used this, I was fully ready to hate it. I have a wanking routine already: I use a g-spot dildo (thanks Godemiche for the Ambit!) to give me internal stimulation, combined with a Zumio on my clit for external. Or I just grab my trusty Doxy and grind against it for the thirty seconds it takes the people in my head to spaff unrealistically massive loads all over the place.

It is, these days, impossible for me to wank without intense clit stim. I am addicted to it. Manual wanking doesn’t cut it for me any more, to the point where I cannot even have a quick hand-shandy in my tent at a festival because when I spit on my fingers and rub like I used to years ago, my clit just shrugs as if to say ‘is that all you’ve got? Pathetic!’

If at all possible, I’d like to avoid getting addicted to internal g-spot vibration too, because I live in fear of the day my g-spot gives me the same shrug, then begs like an addict for more of that sweet sweet shudder. But as I say, Hot Octopuss asked me to write about the Kurve, so here I am.

DESCRIBE THE FUCKING SEX TOY, GOTN

It’s a beautifully curved g-spot vibrator with two motors that vibrate at different frequencies (that ‘treble & bass’ we talked about earlier). The tip (designed to press against your g-spot) is soft and squishy, the rest is firm plastic covered in body-safe silicone.

There are simple ‘plus’ and ‘minus’ buttons at the bottom of the toy which control the motors, plus a couple of extra buttons – one of them scrolls through patterns, and I press it exactly three times to get to a pattern that is perfectly spaffable. I am still not sure what the other round button does, because every time I go to check and try to work it out I just end up pressing the ‘three times for spaffage’ button instead, then by the time I’m done wanking I forget I’m supposed to be working.

It’s dark purple. It’s waterproof. It’s rechargeable. It fits neatly into the little bag I use for my slut kit (condoms, lube, a few sex toys I like playing with a lot) and – like a poster advertising free vodka and doughnuts – it is pretty much guaranteed to make me come.

What is the best way to use the Hot Octopuss Kurve?

Every body is different, so everyone’s going to respond to this in different ways, but I thoroughly recommend pairing it, like a fine wine, with some kind of external clit stim (like any of the vibes mentioned above) so you can have the uniquely thrummy treble & bass vibrations radiating outwards from the inner walls of your cunt and melding beautifully with whatever works best on your clit.

Or place it in the hand of someone you like, and ask them to fuck you with it using firm, slow strokes, building from there to a faster finish as you grip the bedsheets and yell “unngh please please please” until the powerful spasms of your orgasmic vagina all but wrench the fucker out of their grasp.

The thing about the Kurve is that because (in my opinion) the vibrations are so unusual, the orgasms I get from it take a little longer to wring out, but in a deliciously edgy way. So I get to squirm and fuck with it for more time than I would usually spend on a wank, and the eventual crashing waves of pleasure are all the more powerful than they would be with something I’m more used to. This, right here, feels like the start of an addiction. I hope by the time I’ve got fully used to – and therefore inevitably addicted to – the Kurve, Hot Octopuss will have launched a new toy. One which vibrates inside my ass, for instance – HINT HINT HINT.

What else can you tell us about the Hot Octopuss Kurve?

I’m going to tell you a bad thing about it, so I can prove I’m a reliable narrator and not just a rambling, wank-addled twat. The Hot Octopuss Kurve comes with the company logo embossed on the side of the toy, on a bit that you’re meant to insert into your cunt. This creates what I can only describe as ‘quim gutters’, and it’s fucking annoying.

Look.

See? Dried cunt juice. Quite a lot of dried cunt juice, because it was an excellent wank. But just… look. I have to scrub that out with a toothbrush, and I’m sorry but I’m a very busy girl and I’d strongly prefer not to have to do that. Hot Octopuss are far from the only sex toy company that does this (Godemiche, please stop stamping that ‘G’ on the shaft of your dildos because that’s a bitch to clean too) so it’d never be a reason for me not to use a sex toy, but it’s such a pointless piece of brand-obsessive frippery that I’d kick myself for not mentioning it.

No one wants to spend more time cleaning than is absolutely necessary: please just print your logo on the handle.

Should you buy the Hot Octopuss Kurve?

If you have a hundred quid (or 130 dollars, or 120 Euro) and you’re in the market for a new sex toy, then fuck yeah. It’s brilliant, and I am annoyed it’s so brilliant. It now has a solid place in my slut kit, which comes with me in one of my cycle panniers alongside a hand pump and spare inner tubes. I don’t add things to that slut kit lightly, because the more weight I carry the slower I ride. It’s one step up from my bedside drawer, and very few toys get that kind of promotion.

At the same time, if you’re concerned you might be become a little too dependent on it, you might want to hold off until you’re rich enough to be able to afford two: one for now, and one for when you inevitably break or lose it a little way down the line. Hot Octopuss toys come with a year’s warranty, so you’ll be good for twelve months, but by that point you’ll have been ensnared by those sweet sweet g-spot shudders so any Kurve-related downtime might cause you serious heartbreak.

Up to you, team. It’s your cunt, you get to choose what powerful sensations you treat it to. But my advice is to save yourselves. It’s too late for me, I’ve already tried it: I’m doomed.

Buy the Kurve from Hot Octopuss for £99, $129, 119 Euro. It really is very good indeed. Hot Octopuss sponsor my website, and they gave me the Kurve for free in exchange for writing about it. Don’t tell them, but if I hadn’t liked it I’d have just not written about it and avoided their emails or something. You can find more write-ups (from guest bloggers as well as me) of their kickass sex toys over at the Hot Octopuss tag.