Contrary to what a rather depressing number of people believe, the best way to get a threesome is not to nag your partner repeatedly then call them a spoilsport because they don’t want to have one. No one’s an expert in how to do this, but here are my top five tips that (hopefully) will give you a better idea of how to go about it.
Don’t run before you can walk
I don’t seriously expect there to be young virgins reading this who expect their deflowerment to come at the hands of two generous hotties. Unless you’re spectacularly lucky, your first threesome will not come before your first twosome.
So, first rule is, find one person. Ideally find one person who is sexually adventurous, open, who doesn’t mock your taste in porn or laugh when you suggest something dirty. Find someone who grins when you tell them your fantasies. When you’ve found them, make that person understand that fucking someone else with you would be one of the best adventures you could ever set out upon together.
If they aren’t willing to do this, you need to introduce the subject gradually – talk to them about what they like, ask them what they’re after, and introduce the topic subtly.
Do say: “Ever wondered what it would be like to be shagged by two people at once?”
Don’t say: “Your mate is super-fit. I would like to fuck him while you sit on my face”
Choose your third wisely
There are levels of difficulty in threesome-choosing, so once you’ve completed step one, your options here will depend on what mode you’re in:
– Easy mode: same-sex couple. Much easier to find someone you both fancy.
– Medium mode: straight couple where your partner is bi, or where you’re picking someone of their primary sexual choice.
– Difficult mode: straight couple where your partner isn’t bi, and your choice for a third involves someone of the gender they might not normally choose to sleep with.
Efforts, patience and discussion should be tailored to the level of difficulty. And the key thing here is that if what you really want is ‘a threesome’ as opposed to ‘a specific threesome’ you may well have to compromise. The key thing, whatever your level of difficulty, is making sure that your partner is not just ‘up for it’ or ‘OK with it’ but actively keen. Accept from the outset that this may take some time and – like all things in life – it may well not happen at all.
Meet your third
This sounds like an obvious one, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve been asked “Will you have a threesome with me and X?” to which I have had to reply “It depends, have I even met X?”
Consider this: a friend of yours wants to hook you up with their mate Gary. You’ve heard a bit about Gary, but you’ve never met him. Would you consent to fucking him before you’ve even shaken hands? No, probably not.
So make sure you’ve all met, and you all like each other, or at least can get on for more than 5 minutes without having an actual fist fight.
Make sure you all know the others want it
This might require some behind-the-scenes chat. If you know both people, speak to them individually: “X is up for a threesome.” “Y said she’d be up for a threesome with you.” etc.
This is really important – it gives people something to anticipate, it makes them feel hot and wanted and most importantly it gives them a chance to back out. If your partner required any initial persuasion it’s important to let them know that what’ll happen will happen if and only if they want it to. Don’t panic that they’ll back out – you’re not just giving them a get-out option, you’re giving them the confidence to say yes.
Very rarely does anyone say ‘hey, yeah, I’m up for a threesome and I’ve suddenly decided that I am willing to do everything that you’ve fantasised about even though the idea disgusts me.’ Far more often, people leap into what they are OK with and discover that it was actually quite fun and they might be up for some more.
The key thing here, of course, is that your get-out has to be real and tangible. If either of the others says at any point ‘hey, you know I’m not actually sure about this now’ you must solemnly swear not to roll your eyes, nag, whine ‘pleasepleaseplease’ or indulge in any emotional persuasion whatsoever. If you do, chances are you’ll never get to even discuss it again, let alone set up a meeting.
Introduce sexy chat to the conversation
Obvious? Again, maybe. But again, you’d be surprised at the number of people (in my limited experience they are all guys, but then my limited experience consists of 90% guys, so I don’t want to generalise) who just expect this stuff to happen. They think that if you get two hotties in a room, and you’ve discussed threesomes with them before, then as soon as you’re alone there’ll be naked writhing before you can say “lovely weather today, isn’t it?”
This is not true. Just as an individual is unlikely to make a move unless you’ve given them the come-on, you’re unlikely to get a threesome started unless at least one of you (and you’re the one reading the advice blog, so that’s you, sunshine) is willing to say the first words.
“Shall we go into the bedroom?”
“It would be so hot if you guys kissed right now.”
“How about you both come here and sit on my lap.”
Enjoy it
Seriously, enjoy it. If you’ve put in the work (and there usually is a bit of work) required to have a threesome, don’t spend the whole time panicking that you’re either not giving enough pleasure to both people at once, or that you’re going to come too soon and miss the best bits.
Giving pleasure to two people at the same time is hard. But guess what – those two people are both having the same problem. There will be times when one is sitting on your dick, and the other is halfheartedly kissing your neck because she doesn’t know where else to be – that’s fine. She’ll chip in at some point. Be encouraging but don’t insist on playing it like all the porn you’ve seen before – porn looks good, but you need to do what feels good.
And coming too soon? Don’t worry – the hardest threesome to get is your first. Once you’ve had it, and chatted for a while in the afterglow, chances are you’ll be able to do it again. Besides, they’re not going to be surprised if you’ve come too soon – you’ve just had a threesome, for Christ’s sake.
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You know what else? Sometimes threesomes just happen. When you weren’t expecting it. Or looking for it. Etc.
Also: When they do happen? Just like all sex, sometimes it’s silly. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes it’s downright hilarious … and then again sometimes it’s bloody transcendentally good and you immediately want to cancel the rest of your life so that you can keep doing it again and again and again.
A girlfriend I once had asked me if I’d be down for a threesome sometime. “In theory, it would be awesome” I replied, “but if it actually happened for real I’d probably be terrified and not quite know what to do.” I didn’t think much more about it. (I thought a *bit* more about it ;) )
Only a couple of weeks later at a friend’s party she decided, apparently quite spontaneously, that a mutual friend of ours was coming home with us tonight. Ah, glorious memories of the trip back home, and of the moment when it suddenly occurred to me that holy shit, this was a real thing that was going to happen. Wait, I only have one dick, what’s the proper thing to do here? …ah, I see, excellent!
Ah, less-than-glorious memories of our tumbling and laughter waking up my parents (whose house I was staying in at the time) and prompting them to yell at us to be quiet. That was awkward. Didn’t bloody stop us, though.
“You know if you have a friend over they’re welcome to use the spare room” says my father to me at breakfast next morning. “Oh” says I, “I thought [sister’s name] was here and sleeping in it.”
Fastest I have ever thought in my *fucking life*.
Great post. I’d add that you need to discuss boundaries with your partner first: what are you comfortable with/what are you not comfortable with? Are you ok with actually fucking the third? If not, say so – when the action is in full swing is not the time to decide you’d rather not watch your beloved fucking a third.
And be prepared for it to be a bit weird. Watching your partner be sexual with someone else is potentially a massive headfuck. It can be absolutely wonderful – it’s amazing watching someone having a fabulous time with someone you love if you’re secure in the relationship. But don’t do it if it’s an attempt to repair a dodgy relationship.
Finally, take care of each other, and of your third. Ask and keep asking if they’re ok. Make sure everyone knows it’s ok to say “um, actually, this isn’t ok”.
Nice one, thanks for added advice – especially on ‘sometimes they just happen’ – they do, very very occasionally, although I’m a bit wary of saying that lest everyone feel the need to maintain a constant ‘potential threesome watch.’
Kate, totally agree on discussing boundaries first, although I think I have to disagree on ‘keep asking if they’re OK’ – much as it’s important to make sure everyone’s comfortable being there, I think seeking repeated confirmation can be a total mood-killer, which is why I front-loaded most of the consent stuff earlier on. Think as long as everyone’s happy with it up front, and also understands the ‘you can stop at any point if you feel uncomfortable’ then you don’t have to constantly seek reassurance – might kill the fun somewhat.
I once had sex with a guy who kept stopping to ask me ‘is this OK?’ and ‘do you like this?’ – well worth doing if someone goes quiet, or isn’t obviously enjoying it, but in my case I was *ahem* quite clearly having fun.
Ah, hear you on that :) I think it depends on how experienced everyone is – if someone’s new to it, I’d check more. Old hands, not so much ;)
There can be a slightly bleak moment as the third when it’s all over – if you’re the couple, make sure the third doesn’t feel that they’ve outstayed their welcome when you want to snuggle up together. And if you’re the third, make sure you don’t outstay your welcome when it’s all over ;)
I had my threesome, unfortunately it was with two hookers in Bangkok. Still.
What percentage of sex is the relationship. is the relationship 60% sex and 40% everything else or vice versa?