Girl on the Net

Sometimes dicks don’t get hard when you want them to. Yours stays soft sometimes, right? If you’re drunk, high, stressed, distracted by a squirrel or whatever? Annoyingly, society has told you that not being able to achieve full-mast, cast-iron boners whenever you want to is shameful, even though it really obviously isn’t because it happens to everyone. Seriously, every single person with a dick has had trouble with it at some point – it won’t get hard, it gets hard at inappropriate times, it comes sooner than you’d like or doesn’t come at all, you know the drill. And some of you, when your dicks don’t do what you want, lean on a little external help. If you come too quickly, you might try wearing a thicker condom. If you can’t get hard, you might pop a Viagra. It’s totally fine, loads of people do it, and I (a 39-year-old woman with a ravenous cunt and a lot of love to give) am here to tell you that I will not shame you for taking one. In fact, like many sexual things to which we usually attach shame, I would like to take that bullshit societal script and utterly pervert it. The next time you reach for a blue pill, please tell me you’re about to take one, so together we can make it kinky. Here’s how to take a Viagra, sexily.

First thing’s first: I acknowledge that (thanks to aforementioned societal shame) most of you aren’t going to be able to do this straight away. Confidence, sexiness, horn… they all take time to build up. None of those are switches we can flip on a whim. I recognise that if I – someone who loves dicks and wants to have a go on them at any available opportunity – am going to encourage you aboard the ‘taking Viagra sexily’ train, first I need to show you that this will be a safe and enjoyable journey. Although I tend to blame society, I know that society is made up of individual people, and it’s possible that your past lovers have expressed frustration, mockery or even anger that made you feel bad in these circumstances. I don’t think that’s very kind or understanding of them, and you deserve better, so I’ve written a little message for partners/lovers at the end of this post. In the meantime, though, be assured that I won’t ever take it personally if you want to take a Viagra (I’m using ‘want’ here, rather than ‘need’, for important reasons). I won’t make a disappointed face, or make you feel bad or inadequate. I won’t do these things because I am not disappointed, and you are not bad or inadequate.

Note: not all men have dicks, and not everyone with a dick is a man, but discussions around penis rigidity are – because of our cis-centric society – inevitably tied up in ideas surrounding masculinity. What’s more, I am a straight woman and most of the people I’ve shagged have been cis dudes, so I’m focusing on cis dudes in this post. If you’re trans and you have thoughts on this topic, I’d love you to pitch me a guest blog! 

Note too that I’m using ‘Viagra’ here for reasons of search, but the actual name of this drug is Sildenafil and there’s a bit more info on other types of dick pill further down the page. 

‘Need’ versus ‘desire’

The key reason I am not disappointed if someone takes Viagra before we fuck is that it’s an enthusiastic ‘hell yes’, and I love those. If you choose to take a pill to help you get hard, you have done something really interesting in terms of consent.

And by ‘interesting’ I mean what I always mean which is – OF COURSE – hot.

Usually the way we conceive of someone taking Viagra is that they’re struggling to get hard, and they have to pop a pill because they need one. Note both of those words: they ‘have’ to take a pill. It is a ‘need.’ I’m going to argue that we should stop using these words and instead call it what it actually is, which is a ‘desire’. A ‘want’.

You don’t have to take a pill, because you don’t have to have sex with me at all (cis men – your consent matters too!). And even if you do decide to have it, sex doesn’t always need to involve penis-in-vagina (PIV, or penis-in-ass – PIA) or any dick-based penetration at all. It consists of tonnes of other stuff, including but not limited to: making out; frotting; hand jobs; oral; tit-touching; spanking; breathing weed smoke back-and-forth into each other’s mouths till you’re both high as a kite off the joy of being so close that you can taste the other one’s air, etc. There’s a whole world of fun outside penetrative fucking. This message can take a while to internalise, but even if we haven’t fully accepted it yet, broadly most of us have heard this, and we understand what it means.

Hand on heart: I really love PIV, it’s one of my favourite ways to shag. But as the years go by I experience more ways to bang and so PIV becomes less and less important. I’m definitely far happier embracing non-penetrative fucking than I was when I started this blog, when I had some terrible and problematic opinions about erections which I will not link to here.

Nowadays, I have an astonishing time with partners regardless of whether they’re hard. Not just the things I mentioned above (like tit touching and frotting and makeouts and you wanking me off while you kiss my neck so that I weep with joy when I come round your fingers), but even the very act of connecting with someone over the fact that they are not erect. That can be really sexy too! I adore sucking soft cock and hearing someone make a little mewling noise. I love the way they sometimes growl with frustration if their dicks aren’t doing what they want. I once wrote an entire blog post about hot things men can do (and have done) when they realise they can’t get hard. I fucking obsess over getting fingered or fucked with dildos. Regardless of whether you have a boner, you’re always allowed to just grab me by the jaw and bring my mouth up close to yours, kissing the words directly onto my lips as you whisper… “get me the strap on, I want to choose exactly which dick I fuck you with.” And if you’re not up for sexy stuff at all, like if this little hiccup has temporarily killed the mood, then I am always down for you kissing me gently, telling me how cool and pretty I am, then picking a film we can watch together on the sofa while you stroke my feet and I feed you Maltesers. Sex is connection, after all, and there are plenty of ways to connect that don’t involve touching my wet bits.

I cannot stress enough: this stuff is wonderful. That’s one of the things I realise as I get older. I love sex, so much, but I don’t need it in order to feel valid the way I did in my twenties. I know I’m hot! (to the right people) I know I suck great dick! (with dudes who give me adequate feedback and connect with me) I know that you want to plough me with your marble-hard boner like each stroke is simultaneously a punishment and a treat (when circumstance allows)! I know these things, I don’t need you to prove them any day, at any time, at the drop of a hat, via the medium of ‘this body part that doesn’t always do what you want it to.’

Just… you know… enjoy me. Touch me. Connect with me.

Connect!

Which reminds me: it’s called Viagra Connect and you can buy it over the counter in the UK. I am reliably informed that you can also buy it online, and it’s much cheaper if you get the generic version (Sildenafil) rather than go straight to the brand. Let’s do the science bit first: you shouldn’t take anything like this unless you first have a consultation with a pharmacist and/or your GP. I hope it won’t surprise you to learn, given that I referred to my genitals as ‘wet bits’ in the section above, that I am not a doctor. I can’t tell you exactly what you need to consider before you take any erection-enhancing medication, be it Viagra, Sildenafil, Cialis, Zimentos, Liberize or what have you. So here’s the NHS page on sildenafil for more info.

And here, for cooler info that also includes interesting stuff around culture, masculinity, and where blue pills fit in to all that, is this article on Dick Pills over at Bish. That’s where to go if you’d like a think. But I’m here to provide you with horn and by God that’s what I will do.

I need want to take a Viagra

Given everything I said above, when you take a Viagra you’re not saying ‘I need this in order to have sex’, you’re saying ‘I’m choosing to take this, in order to have the kind of sex I want.’

I’m not going to tell you that if you fancy giving someone a serious and dedicated shafting you have to take a Viagra (as I say above – strap ons are always an option) but if you choose to take one you’ve just made an active and (to me) extremely sexually fascinating consent step.

Telling me ‘I will take this drug to temporarily alter my own body in order that I can thoroughly and vigorously plough your aching cunt’?

That! Is! So! Hot!

SO FUCKING HOT.

You are so excited by the idea of fucking me that you’re willing to drop upwards of £3 on a blue pill that means you can do it in just the way you want to?

That! Is! Hot!

I’m sorry, it just is.

When people say ‘consent is sexy’, they aren’t necessarily just repeating a twee mantra that looks good on t-shirts worn by baby feminists, often they’re saying it because they – like me – get wet for the thought of not just being fucked but being desired. Wanted. In fact, much of the shame surrounding erection difficulties, when dished out by partners, comes from a place of sadness that ‘dick won’t get hard’ might mean ‘therefore you don’t want to fuck me.’ Deliberately taking a pill means you’re actively choosing to fuck me, and as far as I’m concerned that’s just as hot as any boner I might tease from you with my tongue or my fingertips. It’s a conscious choice. An active decision.

You want to bone me rigid, so you took a pill to do it.

HOT.

Imagine if the shame went away

The framing above is only possible for me because I don’t have a dick. I don’t experience erection shame, and I never have, so it’s super easy for me to imagine a world in which no one ever expects me to get rigid on command in the bedroom. Piece of piss for me, because I am the person in the bedroom who doesn’t expect you to get hard at the drop of a hat! What I try to do here on the blog (and hopefully in bed as well) is create a space where you feel comfortable acknowledging that shame, then deliberately setting it aside in order to dive in to the fun bits.

Wherever we find shame (and we find it in so many nooks and crannies in the bedroom… It takes my breath away, honestly, given how incredible sex is and how it healthy it tends to be for those of us who partake) usually it’s worth unpicking that shame to see what lies beneath. And it turns out that what lies beneath this particular bit of shame is mostly… some bullshit beliefs that society has about what ‘sex’ has to look like and what a ‘man’ should be doing in bed. Perhaps also reactions from partners who have also internalised these messages alongside the (false) belief that it’s their job to enforce them. As I have said many times, society does a number on us all.

I’m not saying it’s easy to banish that shame in real life, but it’s definitely possible to lay it aside for a brief thought experiment, so let’s do that now. Ask yourself: if society (and maybe partners and ex-partners) hadn’t told you that you MUST be hard during a fuck, why are you taking a Viagra? Once the ‘shame’ bit has gone, what is left? You don’t have to be hard for your partners or to prove a point or to perform in a particular way. You won’t be seen as any less masculine or sexy or fun or good at sex if you can’t get hard at this exact moment. There is no downside whatsoever in being unable to get an erection, you’ll still be able to have a hot time with this person (or people) you fancy, and no one will judge you for whatever happens.

What’s left, when shame is gone? Only you and your wants. Your desire to plough my cunt good and deep, or slide your lubed-up, diamond-hard shaft gently but decisively into someone’s tight ass?

Fun fact, btw, courtesy of my illustrator Stuart who shared a cool study about prostate surgery and why SMM (sexual minority men – basically dudes who are not straight) may need more in terms of post-surgery intervention after prostate cancer:

“Although erectile function is important to all patients, it might be of particular clinical significance among the SMM community, as studies have estimated that an erection must be 33% more rigid for anal intercourse than for vaginal intercourse”

In short: your dick needs to be harder for anal. So if you do anal regularly, you may perceive yourself to be having more problems with erections than someone who fucks in the cunt or mouth. As I’m sure is also obvious, I am not an academic. But I thought this fact was superfucking interesting.

Anyway, I digress as ever – sex is really cool isn’t it?! And however you like to do it, your body isn’t always going to perform consistently. If it did, you would be either a robot or a god.

So fuck medical language and shame and the word ‘need’ – do you WANT to take a Viagra? If so, here are a few ideas.

How to take a Viagra sexily

1. Take one before you get to my house, text me to tell me you have.

“I took a pill: I want to fuck you so hard and for so long, Christ.”

2. Text me and ask me if I’d like you to take one.

“Leaving in 10 mins, with you soon. Bringing my toothbrush so I can crash at yours. Shall I bring a Viagra too, so I can fuck you like you’re in trouble?”

3. Announce it with the confidence of someone who knows you’re dispensing a treat.

Remember what we learned with condoms, yeah? About how announcing you’re going to get one can be riotously sexy?

“Stay right there, I’m going to get a condom and then make you beg for this dick.”

You’re gonna adopt that same attitude now, but for dick pills…

“Go upstairs and put on the stockings you know I like, please. I’m going to take a Viagra then you’re going to sit in my lap while we watch the movie. When the mood takes me I’m going to rail you bent over the sofa.”

[See? I am very experienced with dick pills, and the men who take them. I have known many men over my lifetime who’ve taken them. I even know the pill takes an hour or so to have an effect! This is not my first rodeo. It’s been a long time since my first Viagra rodeo. In fact, I have been at this rodeo so many times, the lady in the gift shop now believes I work there]

4. Kink it! Take a Viagra like a dominant motherfucker.

Just stare me dead in the eye as you reach for the Viagra in your pocket. Then take it out, grab a glass of water from the table nearby, place the pill in your mouth and swallow. All without breaking eye contact. Bonus points if you do it having just stood up from the kitchen table, when we’re halfway through a silly little argument, as if to say ‘I’m annoyed with you right now, but you’re definitely going to be forgiven soon, as evidenced by the fact that I am already preparing for the make-up fuck – one so powerful I want chemical help in order to achieve suitable rigidity with which to shaft you hard.’

5. Do that exact same thing, but in PUBLIC.

In the pub, look me dead in the eye as you take it, smile and then say ‘let’s head home after this pint.’

6. Ask me for it with puppy-dog eyes.

Here’s one for the subs: if you take Viagra regularly and you like relinquishing control, how about you hand those pills over to me so that when you want to take one, first you have to turn to me with big, eager eyes and ask ‘please may I have a pill so I can fuck you tonight?’

Unngh. Perfection.

7. Let me kiss the pill into your mouth.

I put it on my tongue, you come kneel in front of me with your mouth open, then I bend down and dispense a gentle kiss that you return hungrily, sucking the pill off my tongue then waiting patiently for me to pour a mouthful of cold water in so you can gulp it properly down.

Then sit between my legs and let me stroke you while it takes effect, reminding you what a good fucking boy you are.

8. Make me earn it.

Back to you being dominant now, but ‘making me earn it’ is one of my favourite ideas so I wanted to leave it till last.

Those pills cost money, right? You wanna make sure that it’s worth your while to use up one of your precious stash.

Or – wait! – what if it’s your last one? What if you decide that, in order to earn this precious final pill, I have to perform a particular task in order to please you? Take an especially arduous beating, or suck your delightfully soft cock with such gentle lips that you give in and decide you want to take the pill so that in an hour or so’s time you can plunge it – now twitching-hard – into my soaking wet, ravenously greedy cunt?

Or maybe, in order to persuade you to take that pill, all I have to do is say ‘please’ really really nicely.

Pervert shame, kink awkwardness, fuck the system

Like taking someone’s bra off, or telling someone that you can’t get an erection right now, we can help to take the edge off pretty much any potentially-awkward sexual scenario by simply acknowledging what’s happening without shame. We might still feel the shame (I definitely do, when I’m contemplating all the things society has told me about what is wrong with my body, for instance), but sometimes actively acknowledging it helps us to recognise the absurdity of society shaming us for something we literally can’t help. And when we’ve acknowledged that the shame is there, I think it sometimes becomes easier to lay it aside – to offer ourselves (and our partners) reassurance that the stories we’ve internalised aren’t true. As I say at the start, this isn’t a switch we can flip on or off at will – it takes a lot of time and practice. But you might find that eventually, when you’ve acknowledged the shame and faced it head-on, the feeling stops haunting you as often or as intensely.

If you don’t want to think about shame at all, I feel you. So practice also reframing things in terms of consent and wants. Focus on the desire that sits (I hope) at the heart of the sex you’re having. Why are you doing this? Why do you want it? How much do you want it?

Sex is not a performance you have to put on for others: it’s a collaborative, creative act that you both partake in together. I hope this has given you some ideas for how to wrap any dick-pill-taking into that collaboration. And if you have more creative ideas then – as always – I thirst for your sexy, sexy input down in the comments.

A NOTE TO PARTNERS

After I drafted this post, I had a few conversations with men in which they told me that shame isn’t purely dispensed by ‘society’, it comes from people. I know this, but I think I hadn’t quite grasped just how prevalent direct shaming is, and how genuinely shocking some people’s reactions can be. A man I was doing a podcast with told me that he’d been shouted at (!) for not performing penetrative sex for partners. Other guys have told me they’ve received the silent treatment, been told they’re useless, or been on the receiving end of some other horrible reactions if they can’t get hard in a specific moment and either choose to take a dick pill or say no to penetrative sex. For clarity, this is absolutely not OK.

For honesty and full disclosure, I suspect I have been this person in the past. I don’t think I’ve ever actively told someone off or shouted at them for not getting hard, that would be very against my nature even when I was a young and foolish slag. But I have definitely taken it personally if someone can’t get erect and ended up worrying over it. Although I will have tried my best to hide those feelings and not let the person I’m banging know I was having an emo moment, I am sure sadness occasionally bled out and led to them feeling like they’d somehow disappointed me.

So. If you read any of the tips above and thought it might be hot for your partner to have a go at them, there’s a big and important piece of homework for you to do as well: make it clear (and really mean it!) that you won’t shame them for taking Viagra, or for not getting hard. You have to help create the environment in which ‘taking a dick pill’ is a genuine desire for them, and never a ‘need’ just so that they can do what you want. Personally I think that helping your lovers feel comfortable being vulnerable with you is part and parcel of what it means to be ‘good’ at sex. There is no kinky trick, weird sex position, or amazing oral technique that could ever erase sexual shaming. You have to understand sexual shame, recognise where it comes from, hear your partner if they express it, and then work to create an environment where that shame is less frightening to them. It’s really hard. You have to unpack whatever is in your own head about this particular sexual issue, and lay that baggage aside, then help your lover lay theirs aside too. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen in time if you work at it. And it will absolutely die a death if you respond to their discomfort with anger, laughter, or anything else that reinforces the bullshit idea that rock-hard dicks matter more than a rock-solid connection.

So partners, please. If you would like your penis-having lover to do any of the things in the post above when they take a Viagra, for the love of fuck, practice accepting their needs and desires in a way that is welcoming and not shamey. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything that they want (you’re not compelled to fuck someone, ever: even if you’re in a relationship with them, and even if they’ve taken a Viagra), it just means that you have to approach these interactions with a loving and open heart. If you’ve agreed to join them in trying to kink something you used to find awkward, you’ve agreed to not laugh at or otherwise upset your partner when they give that a legitimate, earnest and consensual shot. Yeah?

I’m shocked to hear from men that so many women will mock, scold or otherwise be rude to them if they want to take Viagra that it’d be remiss of me not to speak directly to you here. What’s more, I’ve known women who have spoken in dismissive terms about men who can’t ‘perform’ too, and it’s quite the shock – especially when it comes from people who are otherwise accepting and sex-positive. If you can understand that all bodies are valid and beautiful, you can understand that not all dicks are going to magically get hard on command, and be gentle and kind when this truth becomes apparent in your bed. Practice accepting someone’s needs, desires and body for what they are. Enjoy what their body does in that moment. Create a safe space for someone to tell you they want to take a Viagra, or that they’d like to have a go at fingering you instead, or that they’re not feeling horny right now. Just… try to welcome the things, yeah? Not necessarily with a ‘hell yeah’ every time, but with understanding and compassion.

You never ever have to say ‘yes’, but try not to say ‘eww’ – mmmkay?

I had a lot of fun writing this piece and coming up with kinky ideas for how to take a Viagra sexily. If there are any other Sex Things you feel awkward about – taking breaks for water, maybe? Telling someone that what they’re doing isn’t working for you and you’d like to try something else? – hit me up. I promise that if there is something to which society attaches shame, but which is actually in no way shameful, I’ll find at least four ways that you can make it sexy if you want to. This is my jam.