Girl on the Net

Google Trends tells me that people only really began searching ‘lolly vagina’ in earnest in July 2022. Yet as long ago as 2019, we were being warned in The Metro not to put lollies in our vaginas to try and cool down. The Mirror, too, chipped in by reiterating the warnings. As did Grazia. In 2020, when most of us were busy trying not to catch the plague, the Daily Star reminded us to also remain vigilant against frostbite on our fannies. Now, as a deadly heatwave grips the UK, the links and warnings start circulating again, with new outlets chiming in to help curb what appears to be a trend of people shagging ice pops to try and stay cool in the heat. I imagine these will only increase exponentially as climate change continues to radically alter the make-up of the planet while the people in power make token gestures that aren’t even close to enough. But how useful are these warnings? Are people actually putting ice lollies in their vaginas? What are the risks? And most importantly… why can’t I fuck an ice lolly if I want to?

[Note: at some point in my life/this blog post, I now HAVE to fuck an ice lolly. It just has to happen. I am aware of this even as I begin writing. I know it as I know the sun will rise tomorrow. Don’t try this yourself at home, live through me instead: I am not someone who cares much for my personal safety, but I care very much about content. Ergo, at some point before the end of this blog, that lolly’s getting fucked.]

The first thing to note is that if it weren’t for the media coverage of this – and the fact that so many people in my life have sent me links to these articles with a chuckle and a nudge-nudge-wink-wink warning of their own – it would never in a million years have occurred to me to slide a Calippo into my cunt. It just hasn’t ever been on my bucket list.

Have I dreamed of having swirls of Mr Whippy smeared all over my tits? I mean sure, who hasn’t? Being lashed on the back of the thighs with a chilly cola freeze pop? Absolutely. But actually inserting something that’s freezer temperature into my own vagina? No. I like my cunt like I like my coffee: lukewarm, goddammit.

But I am a creature who’s very easily led. And frankly, there are only so many times I can be told not to ram a lolly up my chuff before I start to wonder whether lollychuffing might be worth a go.

After all, as I explained to a friend last night when hot and bothered: if doctors are telling me not to put a lolly up my snatch, I’m not only going to focus on the message but the messenger. Most things doctors tell me not to do are bad in the long term, sure, but in the short term they’re usually pretty awesome. See: smoking, drinking, narcotics, eating nothing but salt and vinegar crisps for a week because I’m too lazy to make a proper meal. So inductive reasoning tells me that although the long-term effects of fucking a Fab could be very bad indeed, the short-term benefits might be akin to an orgiastic crisp binge or the first ever MDMA high.

Compelling, no? I am eyeing the freezer as we speak.

What are the dangers of putting an ice lolly in your vagina?

Let’s break this down, because it’s not one of those activities – like ‘playing frisbee by an electricity substation’ – that is obviously life-threatening on the surface. You could be forgiven for wondering why the killjoy UK media is so desperate to stop us from enjoying the spicy ice-play that we crave. If they’re going to insist on ‘warning’ us not to do something, essentially hammering a giant neon sign which reads ‘DON’T PRESS THE BUTTON’ next to a shiny, tempting, red button, we should at least do the groundwork of understanding why. Why can’t I put an ice lolly in my vagina?

The answers are twofold: illness and injury.

Illness: lollies are usually made with sugar, and the ‘no added sugar’ ones still contain fruit, which has sugar too. And sugar – not to get too technical on you here – plays merry hell with your downstairs region. Your vagina is a delicate creature and will not react well to being treated like a smoothie maker. Putting sugary foods in your cunt can cause thrush, BV (bacterial vaginosis) and other problems too.

Injury: ever put your tongue onto something frozen to see if it sticks? Now imagine that instead of your tongue, it’s your actual human vagina. And instead of a lamp-post, it’s a fucking rocket lolly. Not great.

And yet. AND YET. I’m not a fan of abstinence-only sex ed. I think as soon as you tell people not to do a thing, some of those people (not necessarily me, but let’s face it, usually me) are going to start thinking that they should Do The Thing. Don’t have sex before marriage. Don’t go back to a stranger’s house on a first date. Don’t jam a Twister up your twat.

Perhaps instead of saying ‘DO NOT DO IT’ we should instead be educating people on how best to safely fuck a lolly if that’s what their pervy heart craves. Believe it or not, there are slightly safer ways to engage in ice-play if you want to. Note ‘safer’ not ‘safe’. Of all the useful things I’ve learned from the excellent sex ed site Bish, the fact that there’s no such thing as ‘safe sex’ only ‘safer sex’ is up there in the top ten.

[Brief aside, for those wondering: firstly no, Bish absolutely has not endorsed this post. Secondly yes, by the end of it I am 100% going to fuck an ice lolly. That’s where we’re going with this. Just in case it wasn’t already crystal clear]

How to (safely) put an ice lolly in your vagina

There are two risks we need to reduce here, illness and injury. Let’s tackle illness first because this is an easy one. You need to make your own ice lolly, and it needs to be entirely devoid of sugar or flavour. What I’m saying is you need to fill a condom with water and stick it in the freezer. As much or as little as you think your cunt can take: the beauty of condoms is that they’re eminently flexible and adjustable. I have vague memories of trying to make an ice dildo with a boyfriend a very long time ago, and we found that filling the condom inside a toilet roll tube meant the shaft could hold its shape while it froze (and form a satisfying bulge at the end where the tip of the condom stuck out). I don’t remember actually using this ice dildo at any point, hence why I’m being vague about whether we actually made it. It could just have been some weird fever dream I had. I have patchy memories of it maybe being run over my nipples and tummy (lovely), though I could be mixing that up with a different occasion when this same dude ran an ice cube over my body before sticking it up my arse. Note: I do not recommend this – the thing that is very important to note about cubes is that they have fucking corners. I also harbour strong memories of this particular dude and I debating whether the toilet roll tube was a good idea or not, so we clearly got quite into the idea at some point, but my memory comes up blank when it comes to pictures of actually being fucked with an ice dick.

Either I’ve considered an ice dildo before but not tried it, or I have done it but the memory was so harrowing that I had to block it out.

The second risk we need to mitigate is injury. The ‘tongue-on-a-lamppost’ problem that rears its icy head if you try to put frozen goods on your wet bits. With an ice dildo, simply running it under lukewarm water should do the job: wetting the top layer of ice should make it watery and slippery so it doesn’t have a chance to bond with anything.

But an ‘ice dildo’ is not a lolly, and as promised (perhaps recklessly) a few paragraphs ago, for the purpose of this blog post I’m going to fuck a lolly. So to mitigate illness I’m using a mini Twister (ribbed for my pleasure) which I can fully bag up and seal in one condom, before putting another condom over the top for extra safety. Quick suck to moisten/warm the outside, and VOILA!

My love. My dream. The forbidden dildo of the UK heatwave.

What is it like putting an ice lolly in your vagina?

Here we get to the crux of this post. The secret the UK media, with all their warnings about BV and thrush and frostbite, will absolutely not tell you: fucking an ice lolly is no fun AT ALL.

It’s absolutely shit.

Frankly, one of the worst sexual experiences of my life. One star. Out of TEN THOUSAND stars. It’s midday on the hottest day on record, so my lolly was already half melted by the time I got the second condom on, and at the point it actually entered my vag I was basically thumbing in a bag of Slush Puppy. And sure, I paused briefly to take a photo, but as you can see from the quality of the photo, that didn’t take more than a few seconds at best. Even if the ice lolly hadn’t been half-melted, it was still a riotously terrible wank. Freezing cold in a way that only emphasised how hot the rest of me was, and made my cunt long for the warmth of a nice human dick. It was a truly tedious, irritating experience. I managed less than thirty seconds before giving up entirely, ripping off both the condoms, and then drinking the resulting mess (waste not want not).

Take note, I beg you, people-who-will-tell-me-I-am-irresponsible-for-writing-this: I am an incredibly foolish person with very little regard for my own safety and comfort, and I don’t ever recommend you do what I do. I am not recommending that anyone else ever fucks an ice lolly. Not out of curiosity, not out of horn, and certainly not in the bizarre belief that it might just keep you cool when the thermostat is pushing 40 degrees because there’s a climate emergency and the people in power seem more concerned with starting a culture war than putting out the flames of a burning planet. Fucking an ice lolly won’t keep you cool in these circs, people. Flailing around with condoms actually made me hotter than I had been when I started, and on balance I’d rather have just stuck my Morpheus dildo in the fridge for an hour or so.

I cannot stress this enough: do not put an ice lolly in your vagina. 

What is the point of the ice lolly/vagina warnings?

This all brings me to my conclusion: I don’t believe that there is rampant lolly-fucking going on across the UK. At least, I do not believe there was rampant lolly-fucking going on before the media saw fit to start telling us all not to do it. That big neon sign which reads ‘DON’T PRESS THE BUTTON’ goes an enormous way to encourage people (and by ‘people’ I mean ‘fools’ I mean ‘me’) to reach forward with trembling fingers and push it just to see what happens. We live in an era of absolute horror, where the world throws more ridiculous things at us than our tiny mammalian brains can possibly keep up with, so perhaps its inevitable that at least some of us will throw caution to the wind and think ‘hey, fuck it, the people in charge seem to care more about infinite growth than they do about the imminent implosion of our ecosystem, why the hell NOT fuck a Zoom lolly every once in a while? It passes the time until death.’

Sometimes humans do dangerous things because they want to show off. Sometimes it’s because they are struggling to find content to fill their sex blog because they haven’t been fucked in a month. And sometimes we’re just basically monkeys, seeing-and-doing whatever is put in front of our curious, foolish little faces. Another mate I spoke to about this said it sounded a bit like the Tide Pod Challenge: something which was – if not exactly invented by the media, according to Snopes – at least in part made worse by the rampant media coverage of the activity.

Perhaps what I’m doing in writing this post is feeding into the media narrative about people putting ice lollies in their vaginas, and thus making it more likely that someone else could have a go at doing what I regret now having done. But fuck it, at least I’m speaking from experience here. I can head off your ‘doctors tell me not to do fun stuff’ doubts at the pass. This isn’t like narcotics or drinking: an extremely fun activity that’s bad for you in the long run. It’s more like licking dog piss off a pavement or walking into traffic: not only do all doctors agree that it’s bad, all laypeople can agree that it isn’t much fun either.

Things that are more fun than putting an ice lolly in your vagina include (but aren’t limited to): making yourself a lovely salad with crispy lettuce and coleslaw, drinking a nice cold pint of delicious water straight from the fridge, riding a bike through a cool woodland glade. In fact, there are loads of things that are objectively un-fun that are still more fun than midday Twister-sex: wearing six jumpers in a heatwave, starting a fight with a bulldog, deliberately kicking a tree… you get the idea. What I’m saying here, team, is do not fuck the lolly. Not because it’s a dangerous yet fun idea for cool kids that could cause you harm in the long-run: because it’s a rubbish idea with no redeeming features whatsoever.

Life is hard, and everything’s terrifying. The planet is burning all around us and the people in power aren’t working hard enough to stop it. Never vote for anyone who doesn’t treat this problem as the emergency it genuinely is. And if you need to stay cool in the heatwave, pop your dildo in the fridge and just eat the fucking lolly.