Girl on the Net

This week’s guest blogger is Poppy, who runs the podcast Confessions of a Closet Romantic, available here on Apple Podcasts and wherever you get your aural pleasure too. Poppy is demisexual, which is not something I or other guest bloggers have explored much on this site before, so I’m extremely grateful to her for offering to share her experience. Huge thanks to Poppy for this fun, lighthearted tour of what demisexuality means to her.

I’m demisexual, here’s what that means…

It was dark when I got home and Chris Hemsworth was in my bed. “I’m ready to rock your world!” he boomed in that deep, husky, mind-blowing-orgasms-guaranteed voice. Thank God I just changed the sheets! I thought as I stood rooted, fully clothed, in the bedroom doorway, wondering how this searingly hot Hollywood star got in here. This capital H hot, blindingly, overwhelmingly gorgeous hunk of a sexy man who wanted, strangely enough, to sleep with me.

I stood there and considered. And thought. More thoughts as he crooked a finger and beckoned to me. Then I blurted out:

“How do you feel about stray kittens and the films of Akira Kurosawa? Are you close to your mother?”

A look of complete confusion crossed his face.

Then I woke up.

I can’t tell you how difficult it is to get laid as a demisexual, even in your dreams.

Welcome, residents of Planet Spontaneous Desire to this little tour of Planet Responsive Desire! I’ll try to hit the highlights in this fun sexual orientation briefing. You’ll meet a genuine Demisexual today, who hails from a small community of sexy but hesitant people on our intriguing yet confusing planet!

We are widely dispersed but some of us inhabit a strip of land called the Asexual Spectrum. We’re often confused with Prudes, but they reside somewhere else. So do those Completely Repulsed by Sex, a community adjacent to ours. Please do not get us confused.

Before any hanky panky happens between us—should we be so lucky—you’ll need to know a few things about how our desire works.

While the residents of your planet might bone first, then bond, we bond first, then bone. To get into our pants, you’ll need a curious mind and a bit of patience. You’ll need to ask questions and get to know us. We’ll do the same for you. It will help if you really really like us.

Right this way. Watch your step! When you want to do the dirty with a Demi, even if we have the same feelings, we’ll need to warm up to the idea of falling into bed with you. And by “warmed up” we don’t mean That Fun Stuff with Licking, but maybe tasting your version of fettuccine Alfredo, getting up to speed on your family’s sarcasm culture and understanding where that fear of trampolines comes from.

Because we can’t even see you as sexually attractive until we know you a bit. Couldn’t imagine taking our clothes off in front of you until you know why Jane Eyre is one of our favorite novels. Picture the glacial romantic pace of Steve Carell and Catherine Keener in The 40 Year Old Virgin and you’re getting warmer.

Example of non-Demi first date: You love the Marvel universe, too? Cool! More wine? Bedroom is to the left!

Very Demi first date: Let’s dawdle in this restaurant booth and explore why you cry at The Truth About Cats and Dogs, and gush over the aesthetic of Wes Anderson.

Imagine if every flirty encounter started with Hello, Quite Likely Attractive Person! I believe I’m interested in you and might want to fuck eventually—would you be interested in a months’ long experiment so we can figure it out? Which may or may not not pay off?

It’s how we’re wired. We’re not playing games, or hard to get. It can be hard to explain. At this point in the tour, spare a thought for the terminally sexually awkward “I want to be fucked but this could take months if it’s going to be comfortable at all” Demisexual. Seduce our minds, then intimacy won’t feel weird or too vulnerable.

Did you imagine things happening a little bit quicker? With a little less difficulty? Apologies in advance. A sex life is established in a slower way among my people. On your planet, you might think: I’d prefer to know this person a bit better before I fuck them but oh well. Laters. Boing boing.

We’re firmly attached to staying dressed—until we’re not. Connection is the seducer, your character and intellect are the hot fuckable ones.

How we wish we could make love in this club, Usher, but sadly we’re not sure if we have a thing for you and no, we definitely won’t be getting undressed right here.

Now that you understand our people a bit better, how could we possibly put a part of us, or take a part of you into our bodies when we don’t know you yet? Do you even like Diet Pepsi? How do you feel about The Great Pacific Garbage Patch? Are you even funny?

But once we fall for your mind, sleeping with you becomes a sure thing. The more we like and admire you, Friend-Not-Yet-Lover, the harder we fall, the more we fantasize about sex with you and the more Irresistible you become.

If you’re saying to yourself: wow, getting boned on your planet sounds like it takes a lot of time and effort, Demi! You’re not wrong. The emotional investment vs actual sexytimes ratio starts off wildly out of proportion. But if loyalty and being seen are turn ons, we’re your jam.

At this point in the tour, I feel connected enough to all of you to share that my fantasy bedroom wish list might be a mile long, and you could look like the back end of a bus, but if you make me laugh like Ali Wong, if you can find your moral compass in the dark and you worship at the church of Frank Capra and Carole Lombard—well, then, you’re going to get lucky sometime very very soon.

And so this concludes our little tour. Thanks for your interest in our planet! I hope this briefing has given you a better understanding of some of our residents, so the next time you meet a Demisexual you’d like to do, you’ll be intrigued instead of impatient. More than likely, we’ll want to know you–and eventually—bone you, too.

Just think: at some point, we’re going to have the most intimate, connected, mind-blowing sex ever. With minimum awkwardness. Because I know about that thing. And you know about my thing. There will be clean sheets. And Chris Hemsworth will have nothing on you.