Girl on the Net

It’s not every day that a guest blog gets me right in the heart as well as the knickers, but today’s amazing post by Emilia Romero did exactly that. It’s about freedom and loss and finding yourself, the end of a marriage and the beginning of a love of BDSM. It’s beautiful and hot and painful in all the best ways, and I’m honoured that she’s chosen to share it here.

I lost my husband and found BDSM

My marriage ended in a clichéd shadow of “she gets me in a way that you never did.” I was scared and scarred. My marriage had been difficult and unhappy at times, yet the thought of being on my own was terrifying. At first, I had to remind myself to breathe several times a day. The very act of being alive felt like trauma. At the same time, I was numb and voiceless.

There I was, sad and lost and feeling just about as unattractive as I had ever had in my life. I was 45 and single and menopausal and greying and soft around the edges: I was becoming unformed. I honestly thought that my only plus point was that the PMS that had dogged me for decades was now vanishing. Yes, it had been replaced with hormones that stopped me from sleeping and remembering where I had put my phone, but I was no longer a sobbing, angry mess once a month.

Then, I did what many lost middle-aged woman do; I sent a message to my first love. We had been in touch on and off over the years so I wasn’t exactly flailing blindly into my own past. I was after validation from someone who had known me when I was young and full of promise. I wanted a reminder that once upon a time, I had been magnificent.

Reaching out paid off. After a few messages, I found myself in my bedroom with N. It was a few months after my husband of 25 years had told me I just wasn’t sexy enough to keep our marriage alive. Yet, here I was, tied to my own headboard, with new-yet-familiar fingers inside me, making noises I can only describe as primal.

“Have you ever been flogged?’ he asked. I hadn’t. I was shy and nervous. My experience with BDSM was limited to awkward sessions with my ex which I endured rather than enjoyed. N turned me on my front and re-fastened the restraints around my wrists. I lay there, breathing quickly as I listened to him reach into his bag. When the first impact landed, I was astounded by my own body and reactions. I loved it. Being hit and hurt felt right. My back arched as I craved impact and pain.

I had felt dead inside for so long it had become my new normal. It was like I was acting the role of me in a terrible made-for-TV film about my own life. I didn’t realise that beige shouldn’t actually be a lifestyle choice and that being inoffensive was a form of self harm. This pain was making me feel alive. And being alive made me feel sexy.

My cunt felt wetter than I had known it could be and when N pushed a dildo inside me, it sated a craving I hadn’t realised existed. I came hard, as leather strokes landed over and over on my bare skin. My brain had disengaged from the patterns of overthinking that generally punctuated my life. I was astounded by myself and the pleasure I was getting from my own body. As someone who hadn’t had an orgasm in decades, it was a revelation to feel this wonderful. I could feel my skin dancing in pain and every time I thought I couldn’t take more, my body showed me that I could. My wrists strained against their cuffs as I tensed in anticipation, waiting for the next stroke and sting.

“Well done,” N said afterwards, when he had untied me and was holding me and stroking my hair. “You’ve always been so fucking sexy.”

Me? Sexy? Maybe I was.

I thought I was ready to stop when, “how would you feel if I used this on your nipples?”

‘This’ was a Wartenberg Wheel, a cycle of spikes and sensation. I told him it was pointless, that my nipples and breasts were practically no-go zones in an erotic sense. I would give it a go though. It turned out that it felt rather amazing. It produced an awakening pain, a pain that made me look at my breasts as more than just baby feeders or lumps of fat, not quite the right size or shape to be sexy. I became awed by myself – by the magic of my own nerve endings.

“I’d like to fuck you now. Is that okay?” N asked. I may have stopped breathing just for a moment before I said yes.

As we kissed and he pushed his cock inside me, I felt a download of a whole lifetime of memories and emotion. There was a sense of being home, he felt so familiar. But at the same time, we had both changed and I was excited to rediscover his body and mine.

Since that night, we’ve met a couple more times. My body reacts to him in a way I never thought was a possibility for me. I’ve discovered that I enjoy being told what to do and I enjoy being hurt. Ironically, these were two enormous elements of my marriage that didn’t feel enjoyable in the slightest. The absolute difference here is that N asks for my consent over and over.

“Can I do this?” Yes.

“How does that feel?” Wonderful.
“May I touch you here?” Yes, yes.

I learned that even when I am tied up and being flogged, I have control and power. If I say no, or utter the safe word, he stops straight away. In my marriage, it didn’t matter what I said or did; I was virtually powerless. This lack of power included watching the moment my ex-husband walked out with a suitcase in one hand and my friend in the other. Now, in bed with my lover, I get to control the scene.

I wish I had more of a life lesson here. I’d like to set down some sage conclusion that makes readers nod with empathy. All I can say is that being a sub gives me a power that being a wife never bestowed. I never want to get married again, that doesn’t appeal at all. But I’m excited to explore BDSM, with that sense of wonder that I was missing before.

The one I lost around the time I put on a huge white dress and said “I do.”

Huge thanks to Emilia Romero for this fabulous post about finding BDSM. This one’s sponsored by Eva Amour, who offer a fabulous range of bondage and BDSM equipment including this lovely flogger if the post has inspired you to have a go at flogging (or being flogged) yourself. Use the code GOTN10 for 10% off anything on their site.