Girl on the Net

In case you hadn’t seen it from literally every sex toy company you follow on social media (what do you mean you don’t follow sex toy companies on social media? Go follow some of my sponsor companies, immediately!) May is Masturbation Month. For wankers like me, that means it’s the same as any other month, only we have to write content to hit the specific keyword ‘Masturbation Month’ or we’ll get beaten in Google searches by terrible magazine articles that offer wanking tips you already knew. ANYWAY. In my quest for Masturbation Month material, I thought I’d write you a list of some of my favourite kinds of wank.

Eagle-eyed readers will notice that throughout this piece I have subtly woven in some links to brilliant sex toys which you can buy from my sponsors’ websites. You don’t have to, of course, and other sex toy sites are available, but if you’re ever in the market for awesome sexy things, buying from these people helps me keep my site running, and it also means you’re supporting the kind of companies who give a shit about sex writers and erotica. I only work with these people because they’ve proved that they care about more than just taking your cash, thus hopefully demonstrating that they’re the right kind of people to give cash to. But fuck it, if you don’t have any cash then feel free to just enjoy the article and skip over the bullet points where I put on my salesperson’s hat.

Admin over, let’s get to the Masturbation Month stuff: here are 9 of my favourite kinds of wank, and if you’d care to chip in your own favourite kind of wank in the comments, because I love hearing about other people’s orgasms.

The experimental wank

I had a lovely one of these the other day. Having resolved that, in 2018, I want to get over whatever it is I’ve been struggling with over the last couple of years that makes anal sex trickier than it used to be, I have embarked on what some Sex People describe as ‘butt plug training.’ I’m sure there are fancy ways of doing this, where a sexy dominant stands over you growling encouragement like a horny gym instructor as you gradually insert more and more stuff in your arse, but my way is simpler – albeit less graceful.

I grab the most comfortable butt plug we own – which at the moment is the Silicon Noir Rocker Butt Plug by ElectraStim. It’s perfect because it’s slim and slightly textured, and also it connects to the ElectraStim Flick Pack so you can turn on the zizzy electric tingles when it’s in there). Then I put a towel down on the bed, cover myself and the butt plug in enough lube to drown a Shetland pony, then slide it into my arse.

Once it’s in there, naturally I have a big wank, and this kind of experimental wanking – using toys I’d usually only use with my partner – has not only made anal stuff that bit easier, it’s also rekindled my love of all the other kinds of butt plug that we have in our house. When I’ve got comfortable with the ElectraStim plug, I’ll move on to the glass one we own, and then something slightly larger, until eventually (hopefully) I’ll be able to take the kind of fucking that I used to take without problems.

Want to buy some butt plugs?

• This icicles butt plug is lovely – solid enough that you really know you’re wearing it but small enough that it isn’t intimidating. Use the code GOTN10 for 10% off at that site.
• I have heard really good things about this metal butt plug too – although I don’t own it yet, it’s on my wish list.
• If you’re an absolute perv like I am, you may also enjoy a tail butt plug like this one. Mine isn’t quite the same as this, but it’s similar, and this one comes with matching ears which is super hot. GOTN15 for 15% off.

The ‘I’ve got the house to myself’ wank

I imagine that this wank is even more joyful for those of you who live in shared houses than it is for me, but even I get a frisson of ecstatic delight when I see that my partner’s going to be out for the WHOLE EVENING and I have the house to myself. I’m not usually a ‘long wank’ kind of person – I tend to go more for quick, functional admin wanks which last two minutes, and are inspired purely by fantasies that happen only in my head.

But given that it’s masturbation month, last night when I was alone in the house I thought I’d have a go at something different: listening to some amazing audio porn (not my own audio porn, that’d be weird) and turning it up as loudly as I dared without accidentally pissing off the neighbours. That, combined with my trusty Doxy (which should realistically be on its last legs by now but seems to still be going strong despite FOUR YEARS of intense usage) meant I didn’t manage longer than my 2-minute average, but fuck it – it was fun.

The ‘combining sex toys’ wank

When I was younger I didn’t really see the point in sex toys: I’ve got my hands, and they seem to work well enough, so why would I spend loads of money on a sex toy that’ll do the same thing?

If I could have taken younger-GOTN to one side for a chat I’d have been happy to inform her that no, sex toys absolutely do not do ‘the same thing.’ A sex toy wank is different. And not just ‘different’ because it vibrates, or is quicker, or easier, no: it’s different because you have entirely different kinds of orgasms. At the moment my favourite wank consists of a dildo that has a really nice G-spot curve combined with something vibrating nicely on my clit – like the Zumio.

Before that it was the Doxy plus a dildo – maybe glass or ceramic if I wanted a change from softer silicone. And before that it was a rabbit vibrator.

See, I often say that I’m a creature of habit when it comes to wanking, but in reality I probably have a lot more variety than I give myself credit for. And that’s because when you’ve got lots of sex toys, you have an incentive to really make the most of using all of them. I don’t get them all out every day, but I do like to rotate new ones in occasionally because the kind of orgasm I get from each sex toy combo is subtly (and sometimes not-so-subtly) different every time.

Want to buy some of these sex toys?

• You can get Zumio from Peepshow Toys (use GOTN10 for 10% off)
• Doxy direct from Doxy (GOTN15 for 15% off plus free shipping)
• A ridiculously beautiful range of dildos from The Pleasure Garden (in the UK)
• A fabulous range of glass/metal/wood dildos from Betty’s Toybox (in the US) Use GOTN10 for 10% off
• My favourite rabbit vibrator – the rechargeable classic rabbit from The Rabbit Company (in the US) It’s pricey, but again 10% off with GOTN10 at checkout.

The wank so good you have to take a picture

My partner had one of these recently – I believe I might have told you about in the kind of breathless tones I usually reserve for pointing out when a man in a film has his bum out. We’d just taken delivery of a Hot Octopuss ATOM Plus cock ring and… OK, listen I can hear some of you are tuning out already because, hey, isn’t one cock ring pretty much the same as another?

No. Or, more accurately, ‘HAHAHAHA NO.’

Anyway, we’d taken delivery of this cock ring, used it a couple of times for pretty spectacular sex, and rather than dropping it into his bedside drawer along with some of his other favourite dick toys, he instead plugged it in at his desk. The next time I went out – when he could enjoy a proper ‘I’ve got the house to myself’ wank – he had a marathon session with the ATOM Plus (buy the ATOM Plus here if you’d like one btw) which made him so hard and shiny and satisfying and thick and hot and hard and hard and HARD that he simply had to take a picture to show me.

Just thinking about that picture right now reminds me of another favourite kind of wank…

The ‘I’ll just take a work break to go and have a wank’ wank

Naturally this is tricky to do if you work in an actual office, but for many freelancers like me the mid-work wank break is what gets us through the day. Think about it: we don’t have Jared from accounts bringing in his homebaked creations and giving us an excuse to stand up from our desks, nor do we have coffee runs and gossip and endless meetings that we can use to procrastinate with.

So we wank. And we wank. And we wank. And then someone comes home and we have to breathe a sad little sigh because we didn’t realise it was so late in the day and if we’d known we’d have crammed another wank in.

The ‘stress relief’ wank

Talking of sitting at your computer, one of my favourite kinds of wank is the one you didn’t know you needed. I have a lot of these.

I have anxiety, and so often my days are filled with a couple of hours of what I can only describe as ‘panicked apathy’ – where I sit in front of my computer, veins thrumming with adrenalin and brain whirring through all the terrible things I’ve ever said or done, and a gnawing sense of dread. Like the feeling you used to get on Sunday nights before school, where you could swear there was some homework you were meant to have done but you can’t remember exactly what it was. And now there’s no time to do it, and you’ll be awake all night dreading the bollocking you’ll get when you arrive in the morning.

I get this feeling a lot. Sometimes there are reasons, more often there are no reasons at all.

And you know what one of the best ways to alleviate it is? You guessed it: wanking. To be honest, anxiety isn’t that sexy, so when I’m in this panicked state it’s tricky to work myself up into the kind of mood that’s conducive to masturbation. But if I can drag myself away from the computer and make myself lie down, close my eyes, pull down my knickers and summon a good fantasy, chances are I’ll feel a hell of a lot better when I sit back down in front of that blank page.

The mid-sex wank

Another thing I’d have loved to tell younger-GOTN is that sometimes it’s really hot to wank in the middle of sex. Given how many of the men I’ve banged really REALLY like watching women wanking in porn, I don’t know why I didn’t internalise this message sooner. But I used to feel really uncomfortable wanking in front of a dude. It felt too much like performance, and I could never really get into it or believe that he would enjoy what he was seeing.

This went double for wanking during sex itself. My ridiculous – and entirely wrong – brain would tell me that rubbing my clit while his cock was inside me was a little bit… rude? Like he had prepared me a delicious dinner and I was scarfing down a sandwich before we sat down together to eat it. But it’s patently not the case, as evidenced by the fact that my current partner has told me at least six thousand times that he finds it really hot if I rub my clit while we’re fucking, or use one of the smaller vibes we own to get myself off before he reaches the Point Of No Return. It’s not that his cock isn’t enough, it’s just that when it comes to genital pleasure, less is not ‘more’ – more is more.

The passive wank

By this I basically mean one which I get to watch but don’t actually participate in – like the time I got to watch my partner wanking in the shower.

One of the best things about my job is that people often offer to send me free sex toys, and nine times out of ten I’ll request one that’s actually a masturbation sheath or something else that I can either use on my partner or watch him use himself. Why? Because watching him wank is one of my favourite things. Especially if I’m watching him try out an awesome new wank sheath that I’ve scored for him off a sex toy company, and he’s surprised by just how much he loves it.

Want to buy one of these toys?

• My absolute favourite is the Tenga Flip Zero EV – pick it up from Kinkystreet and get 15% off with GOTN15
• If that’s too pricey for you (and I know it’s really expensive), then Tenga do a huge range of more affordable toys. I’m a big fan of the suction cups, as well as the cool mathematical-looking strokers. The Flex is awesome as well. Same code as above on any of those if you want a discount.
• Fleshlight is also well worth checking out. The Stamina training unit is decent (if you like biological-looking ones) and if you prefer ones that don’t look anatomical in my opinion you can’t beat the Flight Pilot.

The ‘just for the sake of it’ wank

If you’ve made it this far down the page, you’ll probably have come to the conclusion that I will wank for basically any reason, at any time. And you’d be right. Although there are plenty of reasons to masturbate, you don’t really need an excuse to have a wank, I am mostly just revelling in all the little prompts throughout my day/week/life that remind me to partake in one of my favourite activities. Whether to relieve stress, enhance a shag, play with a new toy, or whatever. Wanking is awesome.

So I’ve left this section at the end as an excuse to tell you about some interesting sex toys that I couldn’t crowbar in to the sections above.

• This clit-suction toy in the shape of a penguin, because it’s so unusual that it doesn’t fit elsewhere. I can tell you that I have wanked with this, more than once, and both times it did the job. It’s not my favourite toy but I suspect if you really like getting your clit sucked you will LOVE it. That link goes to a UK based site (the Pleasure Garden), and here’s a US link to the clit-sucking-penguin.
• If you like Doxy, you should check out Doxy Number 3 as well – a smaller and lighter version that still packs loads of power.
• And if you have a dick and like e-stim, it’s also worth checking out the Jack Socket, but make sure to have tissues on hand when you use it for the first time, because I forgot and accidentally splattered jizz all over my living room carpet.
• DEALS! At the moment Peepshow Toys is having a Masturbation Month sale – so you get 18% off everything on this page with the code MMAY18 – until 18th May, so get in quick.

Masturbation Month: what’s your favourite kind of wank?

There you have it – a rundown of some of my favourite kinds of wank. And to be honest when I started writing this post I thought I’d probably go for a top 3 or a top 5, then unfortunately that turned into 9 – I could probably keep going for the whole of Masturbation Month, with a different type of wank for each day of May. And if I did that I’d have no time to actually do the wanking because I’d be too busy typing this up.

So instead of rounding my Masturbation Month list up to an even 10, instead I’m going to throw it open to you: what’s your favourite kind of wank? Tell me below in the comments, and I’ll tweet/Facebook the best ones so you can revel in the glory, and know that of all the wankers on my site, you are the very best.