In my call for guest blogs, I make a big point of asking for things that I don’t have any experience of. Partly because I’m a voyeur when it comes to other people’s sexy tales, and partly because it means you can raise topics that I wouldn’t be able to bring up just via my own waffling. One of the neatest ways to fulfil this is to send me a story: your story. Something that you’ve experienced that meant a lot to you. Something that can be good, bad, sexy, awkward, difficult, emotional, or all of the above.
Here is Codex, and this is his story.
Mental domination and emotional impact
There is a famous philosophical conundrum that goes like this: a man is walking along a cliff when he looks down at the beach and spots what appears to be Pablo Picasso drawing a work of art in the sand. Its the first masterpiece he has ever seen and is shocked when he realises that it will be washed away by the tide within the hour. He is faced with a choice, run back to his car to fetch his camera and capture a copy for the world to marvel at or sit and be the one who can experience it, for real.
I have been with my partner for a long time, we met when we were 14 years old, got married in our early 20s and have subsequently grown up together and spent over half our lives together now. We took each others’ virginity early on resulting in a single notch etched in to every bed post we have since owned. We embraced the opportunity to come out of our shells as shy youngsters and experimented with our sex lives in complete safety throughout our teens and 20s, It was rarely outrageous but I won’t have it said that you can’t find variety in a long term monogamous relationship.
That said, that level of commitment so young caused me to raise questions. For a long time I dabbled with finding out what sex might be like outside the boundaries of my marriage, naively curious about what I might be missing. A few causal opportunities had presented themselves over the years but for one reason or another they passed me by without much concern. That was until earlier this year.
I few years ago I became friends with a girl through work, she was cool, sexy in a really unaware way and bookish (a weakness of mine). We had a lot in common, and in a way that would have never resulted in anything I really really liked her. We lost contact until late last year when she tweeted me a ‘Hi’ and immediately we were in each others pockets. She told me she had crushed on me hard and we began texting each other as if we were the last two sex-starved people on earth.
She, it turned out, had carved out a niche in the sex industry as a submissive, a sexual peccadillo that had intrigued me for a while but had never really reconciled with my ambitions of being feminist. “You like getting slapped in the face? I’m not sure I could ever slap a girl in the face”
Things between us were to beginning to escalate, We arranged that I would come and visit her and hang out with vague assurances to each other that we would control ourselves. These gave way to “something might happen, lets see” to “I’m going to fuck you” extending further still to her requesting I flex my curious dominant streak against her practiced submissive lifestyle.
Intimidating wasn’t the word, while I was graced with a few weeks to figure out how I might impose myself, how do you convincingly dominate a pro having never done it before? Fine if you are paying for it, who gives a shit? But we had become close and we cared for each other, nothing else mattered more.
With my reservations about using what I saw as violence and lack of experience I decided if I was going to be convincing at all I would have to concentrate on mentally dominating her, she was up for that and told me to not hold back.
The date came around, she knew none of the details of what I had planned, Despite talking a lot over the previous few months we had only actually met a handful of times in two years. I was less nervous that I had feared though, eagerness and excitement were all I could feel, and when I walked up the stairs and in to her flat seeing her sat waiting, head bowed, feet turned in, I had to stop myself from jumping her there and then.
I managed to stay calm, as was my plan. I sat down in front of her, our knees touching and I could sense her nerves getting the better of her. I built some tension by asking her some personal questions, stretching out the awkward pauses, taking advantage of her uncertainty. I immediately realised that despite her job, her submissiveness was innate. Any experience she had meeting clients meant nothing with a friend, naturally shy she appeared more nervous than me and my confidence was growing.
I told her to go for a walk around the block, just to fuck with her – I wanted her nerves to brew for a little longer and a chance to get my bearings in her flat. When she came back and knocked on her own door, I let her in, took her through to her bathroom, put her straight in the shower and made her stand in it fully clothed, the water as cold as it could go. There was a point where any modicum of amusement vanished from her eyes, the squeals turned in to painful gasps and she screwed up her body suffering from the freezing assault. There was a purpose to her discomfort, I wanted to break her composure and nurture her back. Turning off the water I took her hand and led her out of the bathroom where, without speaking, I relieved her of her sodden clothes and held her. As she shook I slowly began to smooth away the goosebumps with a towel, paying attention to every inch of her, following her contours, carefully minding the pressure I applied to the bruises and marks she had received at work. Nothing was said, I just held her close as she regained her comfort.
Her warmth was returning along with her desire, I whispered in her ear that she were to lie on her sofa and touch herself. I sat impassively and watched as she traced two fingers through her open mouth and began to enthusiastically circle her clit. She looked glorious as her speed increased and she squirmed and bucked rhythmically loosing herself in her private moment.
At that point I walked out.
This was all part of my domination, she had asked me to push her mentally and sure enough my sudden departure during her ordered masturbation was enough to bring her to tears. I waited, stood outside her door listening to her quiet sobs. The next thing I heard was a song we both loved, I’m not sure why she put it on but it was too much for me to take. I knocked on the door and returned to her arms. Her tear streaked face and post shower hair were a knotted mess. She needed more nurturing and at that moment she was everything I cared about.
We went for lunch soon after where we chatted and grinned about what had happened. When we finally did have sex later that afternoon it felt a very natural sequel to the ordeal I had put her through. The sex was very intimate and vanilla, a departure for her but a welcome contrast from the intensity of the morning. We spent the whole day recovering, wrapped in each other but when it was time to leave that was the last time I saw her.
My wife found out that I had cheated on her along with some of the details and consequently I made the decision to cease any further contact for the sake of my marriage. The circumstances surrounding the episode dictate that it will remain an isolated indiscretion. I am not proud of my infidelity, I am ashamed of my weakness and work hard every day to attempt to undo what can’t ever be undone. She knows our subsequent adventures in to a sub/Dom sex life are somewhat inspired by my own adventure but equally they are guided by her own kinks and desires and so any similarity stops there. As our interest has grown we have embraced the bits we both find appealing and developed a trust and mutual need for what each other can provide (including an occasional slap in the face). It sounds odd to say that an affair can give you the tools to galvanise a stale marriage but that is really how it feels and for that alone I am glad it happened.
Its not something I recommend trying, and I don’t particularly expect much sympathy – the whole event was unique and a result of two people leaning on each other during difficult times which I wont elaborate on here. I am eternally grateful that my marriage has been allowed to continue because I deserve much less, but I am also secretly glad I stayed and experienced, just like the man and Picasso’s masterpiece.
If you’d like to see more writing from Codex, check out his blog, where he’s elaborated on the story and you can read more and follow him on Twitter.
20 Comments
My marriage is STRONGER for cheating on my childhood sweetheart! It’s nice that you’re giving it a try, but face it you’re fucked. Especially as your actually fucking glad it happened. I know people aren’t supposed to say that, but the resentment doesn’t just dissipate into thin air after one or two arguments. You can slowly destroy a person like that, even if they say they’ve forgiven you. Anyway, what a depressing story.
I don’t think that a relationship is inevitably going to crumble because someone cheated. Am I ridiculously alone on this one? Possibly.
I think it depends on the relationship. No two people are he same and thus no two relationships are the same. Life is wonderous and unique and so is love, perhaps even more so. That however does not mean it is without its trials.
Life is hard and we will make mistakes, it’s up to us how we handle those mistakes. Sometimes they are our mistakes, sometimes these are the mistakes of others, but it is up to us how we deal with them.
I believe in forgiveness, but I can’t honestly say how I would react to a situation like this. I would like to think a relationship I was in could survive it but I can’t truely say for sure.
Ultimately the only thing that truely matters is, can you live with the consequences of your actions and can your loved ones?
I appreciate that love and sex are far from the same thing but that does not mean they are not connected. All I can offer is a base platitude that I think I’m quoting from somewhere but I can’t remember where.
“Find peace with yourself and you shall find peace with others”
I’m aware that coming on here and defending myself opens a can of worms, so I won’t.
You might be right, but I’m going to try.
Relationships do NOT inevitably fail because someone cheated. You are not alone on this.
I cheated regularly on my two long term relationships, both of which ended for reasons unrelated to the cheating. Indeed, they probably lasted longer because I cheated (the pains of the relationships were lessened by the cheating). I never confessed to cheating as that would have hurt her and complicated the relationships. To me, cheating is just an activity carried out outside of a relationship like any other: sports, cards, drinking with the fellows. Sports, cards, drinking never affected relationships, why should cheating? It’s just an activity unrelated to the relationship. More satisfying than sports, of course. And, this goes for her in the relationship. She probably was cheating — I just didn’t know. That’s fine. Unless I’m off, too.
Jesus, well good luck your future long-term relationships Tom Strike!
….uh, why not just seek out an open relationship…?
Yeah, what Azkyroth said. Don’t get me wrong, I think cheating happens, is shit when it does, etc, and also that it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. But the level of casual dismissal you give to it is pretty shocking. It’s nothing like sports, cards, or drinking with your mates, for the simple reason that presumably those are not things that would deeply hurt your partner.
I appreciate this post, it’s an eye opener and as someone who studies human behaviour constantly it is important to hear the thoughts of people who have some defense of infidelity. I have occasionally thought about cheating when in a relationship where the sex is unfulfilling, but that to me is the indicator that the relationship should end if attempts have failed to improve the sex. I would rather be honest and break up a relationship than betray someone’s trust, because at the end of the day if they find out it is only going to make them feel deeply insecure. I have been cheated on, and it is not nice, it feels as though the world is laughing at you and you are inadequate somehow. I know now after nearly ten years that it wasn’t because of me and my sexual performance because without sounding too arrogant, they fucked up a very good thing and our sex was amazing. It was because we were young and he lacked the respect and courage to do the right thing.
I realise that the main story here, the submissive mistress, has been put aside. I cannot say I feel I understand either of your desires further by this story, if anyone treated me like that I would be walking. And I worry about the psychology of anyone who gets a kick from being either a DOM or sub. Taking turns with a bit of playful control is fun, pinning or being pinned down and fucked is thrilling, but emotional domination sounds purely damaging.
Emotional and mental domination, in my experience, are far more harmful than physical domination. Red marks and scars disappear over time, but emotional scars don’t. I’ve worked as a pro sub, and the worst session I ever had was with a client who used emotional manipulation and mental humiliation to make me feel shitty. I remained fully clothed and he never laid a hand on me, yet I left the session shaking and sobbing, never wanting to see his face again. Unless someone specifically asked for this, I’d never put them through it.
To the point on cheating: I agree with GOTN that a relationship isn’t doomed simply because a partner cheats. People cheat on their partners all the time, and often the partner who was cheated on never finds out and the couple goes along on their merry way as if nothing happened!
I’d like to touch on the domination side of this story.
I would never have gone down that route had there :-
a) not been total trust
b) it not been for a clearly defined reason
c) it not been explicitly requested
“Emotional and mental domination, in my experience, are far more harmful than physical domination.” I wholeheartedly agree that mental domination without these justifications would be dangerous. Just as physical domination without consent is abuse that would apply here as well, but in a caring setting they can both be used to lever out reactions/emotions that are very much wanted. To give you an idea of how much we talked before this our emails and texts in the run in extended to 100,000+ words which is roughly the length of a long novel. In short we discussed this a lot and I was given full consent to push her beyond her limits. In the case of a client and pro doing this, that sounds a pretty sucky thing to do.
Don’t do that unless you are both sure you have adequate safe guards and a rational plan. I spent a lot longer thinking up the nurture aspects than I did the more distressing side. In fact the nurture was the whole point.
Finally, I did omit one or two details of the story which might have better explained the nature of the event. these were bits that fleshed out the the narrative of the session that meant something to both of us but to be honest they were personal to us and I’d rather not share them here.
Thank you for sharing your story. Monogamy is a confusing concept.
I used to be very black and white about it – but its not black and white at all.
Also, the story as it stands isn’t particularly ‘complex’ is it? Really. Just because there is an element of domination or whatever, that doesn’t imbue the account of shagging someone else with any sort of complication. It’s as scummy an excuse as cheating on your wife because she doesn’t give you blowjobs or something.
It’s obviously more complex than you think though, because it’s not a story about ‘an excuse for cheating’ rather about how this episode impacted things elsewhere. I’m actually really intrigued by the reaction to this, because I’ve written similar things about my own infidelities before and have been met with a fair bit of sympathy- although I hate the idea of cheating in a long term relationship, I think it’s safe to say that it happens, and it doesn’t always have to mean the end.
from my point of view, the emotions where very complex
I had an affair about two months ago, after being with my highschool sweet heart 10 yrs. It wasn’t something that i planned, it just did. I told him because he deserved the truth. Our relationship seems to be getting stronger because of it. We have reached a level of honesty that wasn’t there before. Sex has improved too, my experience brought something more exciting into the bedroom. Not that it wasn’t before, its just more open. I tought that my relationship would be over when I decided to tell him. I was shocked, but releaved that that wasn’t the case.
I found this in my bookmarks and thought I’d give a follow up remark after all this time.
I’ve not met back up with the girl in the story since it happened. Me and my wife are expecting our first baby later this year and can’t be more excited. Our marriage is going from strength to strength.
In retrospect using the phrase ‘glad it happened’ is too strong, I draw both positive and negative things from the whole episode.
You are an idiot.
YOU’RE an idiot.