Things it is not OK to do after sex
Ask a serious question
It’s not just women wanting to pillow-talk: guys do this too. From “do you love me?” to “how was it for you?” any question that’s going to require diplomacy or the accurate articulation of coherent thought should be ruled out.
Yeah, OK, your partner might well love you after you’ve banged twelve shades of awesome into their quivering, lustful body, but it doesn’t mean as much as it might under more considered circumstances. When I’m panting with post-sex exhaustion I’d happily declare my undying love to a passing springer spaniel.
Cry
This one probably goes without saying. Unless, through the weeping, your partner can just about make out the words “I’ve never had it so good.” or “Now I know what heaven feels like.”
Cuddle
It’s been suggested that cuddling releases Oxytocin – sometimes referred to as the ‘love hormone’. I am not entirely sure if this is good or bad science (feel free to correct me – I’ve had a read around and it looks OK) but whether it is or not, I think I do tend to develop stronger emotional bonds with people who snuggle me. Strong emotional bonds aren’t something I’m massively keen to develop, so cuddling: no.
Also, you know, we’ve just shagged – I’m probably quite hot. Get the fuck off me.
Secretly knock one out
Unsatisfying shag? It’s probably impolite to let your partner know by waking them up with furtive duvet rustling at 2 am.
Things it is OK to do after sex
Openly knock one out
If the sex was unsatisfying, why not tell your partner that you loved it enough you could go for some more? Sit on them, grab hold of the nearest sexy bit, and use your other hand to masturbate yourself to frothy completion.
Fart
I make a mild effort to not appear disgusting in front of boys – this effort increases the chance that I will get to fuck them again. But I couldn’t give a flying wank how disgusting they are in front of me. Everything they do is part of their sweating, rugged, testosterone-oozing charm.
So if we’ve just had sex, don’t do the far-away concentrating look and clench your arse-cheeks until you go red in the face. Fart away, gents – I’ll be far too shagged to care.
Chat shit
Deep and meaningfuls are right out, but you know what your partner might appreciate? Some joke you heard at lunchtime. Or a rant about people who stand on the left when they’re on a tube escalator. Or an ignorant opinion you picked up from the letters page of the Evening Standard on the way over.
If you want to talk after sex, make sure you say something they don’t have to put much effort in to listen to.
Go for a beer
Whether it’s problems with rigidity or issues with balance, being drunk makes sex slightly trickier. Why not switch the order of your evening and have a fantastic shag followed by post-fantastic-shag congratulatory beers?
Fistbump
We’re both pretty pleased with ourselves right? Right. We both got laid, right? Right. Let’s celebrate our mutual victory in time-honoured fashion.
High fives are also acceptable.
6 Comments
Shake hands and be on your way
The ideal ending if we’re at my house. I want a cigarette, your cum washed off my chest hair before it congeals, a shower if our smells were incompatible (that happens a lot: my sweat plus his sweat often smells like seal shit when individually we both smell manly and nice) and a pee.
The ideal ending at his house too, although then I want a wash, a pee and a ciggy and I’ll take my chances with the rest.
The ideal ending at the cruising ground. I can only spark up and hurry home. I’m really really not interested in knowing your life story, I’m just off home now. If you wanted a relationship, the park at 9pm was not your friend. By all means go back into the bushes for more with some other guy.
The ideal ending in the cottage. In fact, ditch the handshake. You’re probably “straight” and wishing you could control your “impulses” better. I’m probably late for my train. I made sure you didn’t get cum on me, but Network Rail won’t let me smoke until I’ve arrived at my destination and left the premises. For shame. So I’m liable to turn nasty due to nicotine withdrawal. Feel free to go back to the urinals for more, but not with me. When I’m done, I’m done.
God I sound like a heartless bastard.
I am fascinated and delighted by the idea of cottaging, but I suspect I would probably be in a similar state post-cottage.
Also – seal shit? I have never smelt it, but now I am going to try rubbing incompatible dudes together to see if I can create the right odour.
So true! After the first time with a really good friend I declared “That just happened!” his response “Yeah it did!!” I wanted to go for the high five, wish I had but it was definitely a verbal high five. Then we fell asleep.
High five! If it’s been good and you’ve had a good time and they’ve had a good time – high five! Congrats all round.
On the openly knocking one out front…. I rarely orgasm during sex, so have been known, in certain company, on occasion, to finish myself off afterwards. One guy used to find me masturbating straight after sex so hot he’d become hard again instantly and then come on my tits – hottest thing ever!
I… uhhh… I might have to take this one away to study it later. Hot. As. Fuck.
High fives after sex are the surest sign of an evening filled with unmitigated win.