Someone once told me that sex without orgasm is completely pointless – like a party without booze. My response was that there are many different kinds of party.
Sex without an orgasm is like wine without cheese. Celery without hoummous. A massive fuckoff slab of cake without a cup of coffee to wash it down – these things might be better when they come together, but they’re undeniably fun to have even without the extra.
I don’t always come when I’m fucking. Likewise, believe it or not, guys don’t always come when they’re fucking either.
Almost every single thing we see and hear about sex tells us a story that begins with a male erection and ends with a male orgasm. From biology classes at school which focused on fucking as a disgusting yet crucial baby-spawning activity to the mainstream porn films which fade out about five seconds after someone’s jizzed on someone else’s tits/face/arse/knickers/feet. In fact, porn is a classic example – the fact that male porn stars who fail to ejaculate are nudged to one side by willing and jizz-ready ‘stunt cocks’ shows that we generally view orgasm (or rather – male orgasm) as a rather crucial part of sex.
How do you know when you’ve stopped?
I suppose the key reason we believe this is that a spunk-stream in your eye acts as a handy visual and physical point at which to show the coupling had ended. Like a full stop. It’s as good a point as any in which to roll over and fall asleep, because it’s trickier for men to keep going after they’ve come.
But although feeling someone’s prick twitching a couple of spoonfuls of jizz into your aching cunt is by all means a nice way to end sex, that doesn’t mean it’s the only way.
In the past I’ve had sex sessions aborted (or aborted them myself) because:
a) he’s just too fucking knackered to come. At which point I will either render blowjobs or solitude, depending on how pissed off he looks.
b) I’m too twitchy to continue. It’s often the case that if I come a few times in a row, my thigh muscles start contracting like some phantom clit-genie has attached electrodes to me, and my cunt freaks out. At this point any further sexual contact is a bit like being tickled, and not conducive to further fun.
c) my cunt is sore. No guy has ever been upset to stop for this reason – usually because he doesn’t want to inflict genuinely uncomfortable pain, but partly because it’s a well-earned badge of honour.
d) he just can’t come. Whether the mood’s not right or he’s fucking too soon after a wank or he caught a glimpse of my face in the wrong light and I looked startlingly like his sister – there have been a fair few occasions when a guy has just stopped and decided we’d be better off playing Scrabble for a wee while until he gets hard again.
In these instances, one or other party often feels the need to apologise. I’ve heard occasional apologies and, slightly rarer, admissions that ‘I’m awful’ and ‘you must be so angry with me.’
This is not in any way a sexy thing. Giving it ten minutes then guiding my head back down to your dick is a sexy thing. Growling in my ear that you’ll take your frustrations out on me later is a sexy thing. Spanking me to let me know that you’re displeased is a sexy thing. Begging my forgiveness? Not so much.
My orgasms aren’t 100% crucial either
Likewise, whether I come or not is not an issue at the forefront of my mind when you’re pounding seven shades of fuck into me. It’s something that will probably happen, because I’m lucky enough to find it relatively easy to come when I’m being fucked. But that’s not to say that if it doesn’t happen I’m going to cry in a corner until you see the hurt you’ve caused me – I doubt that would stand me in good stead for the next time I wanted to sit on your dick.
If I’m honest, I’m far more likely to actually come – you know, for real – if you chill the fuck out about it. I’d prefer a quick, messy, satisfying, grunting, orgasmless fuck which leaves us both grinning like teenagers in a sex shop than a long, drawn out shag during which I can feel you thinking ‘why won’t GOTN come? What’s wrong with her? What am I doing wrong? Oh Christ I hope she comes soon I’ve got cramp and my dick’s going limp and please please please just come on my fucking cock you fussy bitch’, at the end of which I might end up coming but only out of a weary desire to get things over with and put you out of your misery.
Disappointing parties
My opinion might be freakishly abnormal, though – I occasionally find I that it is. Being unable to enter other people’s minds I am depressingly restricted to judging solely based on what I think and what other people have said to me.
There might be people out there for whom sex without orgasm is a horrible, horrible thing. For them, sex without orgasm may well be like a party without booze, and they may think both of those scenarios sound completely pointless.
But for me there are many different types of party, and many different types of fuck.
Having sex without an orgasm isn’t pointless, odd, or even particularly unusual. It’s actually reasonably common – whether through a difficulty orgasming during sex, through tiredness or, most frequently in my experience, because I occasionally find it hilarious to edge a guy until he almost comes then leave him writhing in erect discomfort for a couple of hours until he begs me to suck him dry.
It’s not a party without booze, it’s a party which ends early: still fun while it lasts, and at least when it’s done you can rub one out in the kitchen.
26 Comments
I absolutely agree with this, and from various conversations I’m pretty sure that almost everybody I’ve been with does as well. Don’t forget though that in addition to the over-emphasized importance of the male orgasm in media, the female orgasm is held up to be some sort of quantifiable measure of a man’s virility. “If she comes you have SUCCEEDED at sex, and if she does not you have FAILED, my boy.”
Female assurance that this is not the case (especially if given after inorgasmic sex) is unfortunately often just going to sound hollow.
Good point – I think that making any sort of pronouncement on the quality of the sex besides ‘man, we’re REALLY good at that’ is always a bit tricky after the fact. Usually this stuff is best brought up over beer/gin/coffee at a point when the other isn’t brooding on their potential success/failure.
I also find that writing blogs about it usually helps to spread the word to those who need to know =)
Ahh, you’ve done it again, bang on. Orgasms are so overrated
Completely agree. I hardly ever come. The conditions have to be almost perfect for an orgasm to happen, even at my own hand. Sex can still be mind blowingly, leg tremblingly brilliant without it. Take what you want from me and if I come, brilliant. If not, I’m really not all that bothered.
Great post! :)
Great blog. From a completely selfish point of view I really enjoy masturbating and having sex whilst denying myself an orgasm. I love how the feeling builds each separate time. This is not to say I would ever deny my partner, in fact, just the opposite. While I haven’t cum I can maintain my horniness and tease a partner all night helping her to repeated orgasms as suits her before
This sometimes requires an explanation when I start a new relationship but I’ve rarely had any complaints.
Am I weird/odd?
I don’t think you’re weird or odd – it’s just a personal preference and one which I suspect a fair few women might be particular to. Having said that, one of the things I dislike about expecting orgasms is the converse: guys who say ‘I’ll please you all night, baby’. Because honestly, sometimes I don’t want to be pleased all night. Often I just want to be used like something that you’re hot to fuck, and not have to deal with expectant looks that say ‘have I blown your mind yet?’ As I say, I expect there are a fair few people who do like this – it’s just a question of matching them and you, and paying little heed to my grumpy ways in the meantime =)
I’m not that one dimensional.
Sorry – didn’t mean to imply you were at all, just wanted to say – you know – it’s often a matter of personal preference/mood/etc.
Don’t worry I’m not offended. The rest of the message seems to have been cut but there were plenty of smiley faces on there.
You’re not in trouble.
For years I never orgasmed during sex. This didn’t seem to particularly bother the men I was fucking at the time (this probably says more about me than it does about them).
Then, in my 30s, it was like someone flicked a switch and suddenly I turned into a multiple-orgasm-er and now I can cum from just thinking about sex. Nowadays, there is no such thing for me as sex without an orgasm but, as I said, this wasn’t always the case.
In my late teens and 20s I saw my orgasms as my problem, i.e. something to take care of on my own. I’d decided I wasn’t capable of orgasming from penetrative sex (many women aren’t), so I didn’t worry about it. Oral sex, you say? *falls off the couch laughing* Yeah… none of the guys I dated were into that or, as one put it, “I’m not fucking lesbian, y’know!” He didn’t last long(!)
I do worry if he doesn’t cum. I feel as though he’s been cheated somehow (and some guys act like it), although one ex really didn’t care and would happily play with my boobs for hours without me going anywhere near his cock. That was fine by me *grin*
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that everyone is different and, while you’re unique, your stance on orgasms isn’t. You’re definitely not alone. I’m sure others will say the same.
Completely agree. I used to come at the drop of a hat, now it’s pretty rare to come. But all the way through, it has in no way been correlated with quality of sex. The fucking best sexual experiences I’ve had have generally been when I didn’t come.
I’m a woman, but the same has applied to the guys I’ve been with. Have to say that, generally, guys do quite like to try to come. But when they don’t – or better yet – when they can’t get hard, I get to give the most amazing blow jobs. It’s special because unusual, but I *love* blowing soft cocks.
Hells yes lady! Bang on the nail once again. Y’now I have sent my boyfriend links to this blog on several occasipns simply because you put what I’ve been trying to say to him for ages into one neat summation. Thank you :)
Goddam phone typing. Apologies for typos…
I so wish you’d have known my ex. The only possible reason for me not coming was that I was turned off by her. This increased her anxiety during sex which increased mine which made it less likely I’d come.
In the end, we just stopped having sex. Then we split.
All over a fucking pop shot.
What do you mean by ‘turned off by her’? As in things she’d do, or things she’d say? Tell me to mind my own business, if you like, am just curious.
I think he means that the “turned off by her” bit was an incorrect and paranoid belief of hers
I used to feel put out if I couldn’t get a guy off, which is pretty ridiculous as I’ve never seen orgasm as the end goal for myself and I’m just as happy doing filthy things that don’t lead to that as I am achieving one. Even the words we use around are telling of how highly we hold the act in regard. We don’t achieve a good lay; it’s a good fuck if an orgasm is achieved. But yeah, I was a bit like the ex Dave described; I felt there was something wrong with me keeping guys from blowing their loads each and every time. Holy high expectations, right?
I’ve since got over myself. The two guys I regularly see now have been surprised that it didn’t take 183 tried before they could come, one citing that he usually feels pretty inhibited with new partners, the other that he usually just takes a really long time and he’s not always into going that long. Needless to say, we’ve had quite a few orgasms between three of us, but the encounters are just as fun without them and I was really appreciative of them being forthcoming with that information.
I am sometimes guilty of wanting him to ejaculate. At times I push for longer sex just for that reason. Other times I can let it go. It’s just that I orgasm so frequently, and I guess I want that “final ending” time that you described. Because I love going more after orgasm to reach another fantastic height, I like the end. But I know it’s not always necessary.
Great post.
This type of sex you describe is called ‘karezza’ or ‘coitus reservatus’.
This site has more info about it for those who are interested:
reuniting.info
^_^
Hi, my name is Caramella and I’m anorgasmic. I’m very honest about it, and given that I meet most of my partners through dating sites, it’s something that usually comes up early in conversation. Even so, pretty much every guy will try his damndest to make it happen, even as I assure him repeatedly that I’m not going to come and I’m perfectly happy with that. The guy will fall back, sweaty and exhausted, horribly upset that he ‘wasn’t the one’, taking on the weight of society’s (or his own) expectations.
That said, I’ve been with several men who didn’t come either – whether through anorgasmia, first time jitters, guilt, having had a few drinks – but I’ve never seen it as a problem. His orgasm is either something that can wait for another time, or he can go home and beat off like he’s putting out a fire.
Blow job, fingers, licking, biting, kissing, bum love, nipples, teasing, spanking, caning, restraining, hair pull, throat fuck, choking, blindfold, cuckold = massive fun with or without orgasm. Enjoy it all. Sex is more than an orgasm. Brilliantly put :)
Ps hoummous :)
I love orgams… who doesn’t but sex if not about orgasms it is about interaction, fun, excitement, discovery, love, lust etc etc and orgasms are a by product of all that being right but they are not the finishing line or even the goal…. goodsex is about way more than cumming in my opinion.
Mollyxxx
A bit late to the party perhaps. But I wanted to say thank you! I love fucking, period. Also I can hold back my ejaculation for a long time so I can fuck some more. The feeling of impaling my lovers with my throbbing cock and giving them pleasure knowing I had a role in their pleasure is pure awesomeness. To my surprise there are many women out there who are disappointed when I don’t ejaculate and they wind up feeling lousy about themselves. I have tried explaining that men are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating (I have experienced this many times) and even if I don’t orgasm, it still feels great. I love messy, wet, and hot sex, the feeling of our bodies against each other, and for me ejaculating isn’t really necessary every single time. With that said, ejaculating and orgasms do have their own place in my sex life. I just wish people will just drop the silly notion that we must orgasm every time. Again, it’s so gratifying to know there are others who agree with me!
Beautiful illustration. Please more of these entries ;-)
Doesn’t take much from him to make me cum….. but after a accident with an 8mm drill-bit & his cock 16 years ago, he can be “shy”….!
Even though I know I’m doing nothing wrong, as a “woman ” with only 2 “real” partners, I hate it that his 100’s of partners may* have been better than me, as I’m still a “virgin” in lots of respects…..He says I’m his best ever….can I believe him? I’m 1st 1 to make him shout which he cums!! *Were
Help!!
I love this post. I have severe struggles orgasming during sex and it basically ended my last relationship bc the “tricks that worked on 400+ others” failed on me. I love sex. I love the closeness and connection and dirty raw fucking and everything that comes with it. Truthfully I never think about my orgasm because I’m already having a great time….would it be nice? Sure….but to me it isn’t be all, end all.
I certainly wish there was more room in the world for those of us who can’t cum on command!