Girl on the Net

Hey! I realised recently that I have something in common with my site sponsors Hot Octopuss (and it’s not just that we really love sex toys). Turns out it’s been ten years since they launched the kickass vibrating dick toy PULSE, and coincidentally it’s also been about ten years since I quit my day job and started blogging full-time. I wish I could say I’ve had the same success they have, selling millions of toys and creating oceans of spaff, but to be honest I haven’t sold that many toys. I reckon spaff-wise I could fill a modest pond or two, though. Maybe the Serpentine, at a push. To celebrate their ten years, they launched a really beautiful limited-edition version of their most popular sex toy – Hot Octopuss PULSE Dragon Eye – and I thought I’d take the opportunity to shout about some of the hottest adventures I’ve had with mine…

Hottest moments with the Hot Octopuss PULSE…

“Like a fucking teenager”

My ex knew I used to love hearing about his wanks. I just have a massive kink for wanking, OK? And there’s a special place in my heart (and cunt) for stories about wanks that I couldn’t possibly witness. Usually when people masturbate in front of me, they’re doing it for performance. Although I’ve occasionally caught accidental glimpses of someone wanking as if they’re alone, and once or twice known men who’ve been able to shut out the world and show me an approximation of total masturbation abandon on the sofa or in the shower, usually the best I’d get would be the delightful stories my ex would tell me about all the wanks he’d had while I was out.

This particular wank happened shortly after we broke up, when we’d divvied up the sex toys based on who would use each one the most. Obviously, as the sole owner of a dick, he got custody of the Hot Octopuss PULSE. But being a broadly kind soul, he shared with me the delight of what happened when he got reacquainted with it. When he took back the toys that we’d decided were his to own, he put some porn on the TV one day, and idly clamped the PULSE to his dick before pulling up his boxers and jeans.

Apparently the intense oscillations, combined with the background hum of porn moans and flesh-on-flesh slapping, meant that within five minutes he was standing in the centre of his living room, still-semi-flaccid cock pumping cum into his pants like – and I quote – “a fucking teenager.”

Uncontrollable spunking? Hot. Also, in my experience, very difficult to achieve without the PULSE.

Gaming with the Hot Octopuss PULSE

The Hot Octopuss PULSE also facilitated one of my favourite ever guest blogs. In fact, it was one of a run of many incredible guest blogs, where Hot Octopuss sent out a bunch of different toys for people to try out during lockdown in creatively horny ways. We had a blast: some delicious edging play with the hands-free Hot Octopuss JETT, a frankly heroic attempt to have as many orgasms as possible in one day with the AMO bullet vibe, and then THIS piece of genius with the Hot Octopuss PULSE…

Tess – a gamer and trans woman (who quite correctly points out how shit it is that Hot Octopuss still insist on using the term ‘guybrator’ to describe their dick toys) – took on the challenge of seeing if she could play games while the PULSE… well… pulsed. Could she have a hands-free orgasm with it while playing Starcraft 2? Naturally this guest blog pitch brought huge delight to my nerdy little heart.

“I put my headphones back on, the Pulse on my dick, and a pillow over the top to help give me something to grip and grind against. I sunk back in my chair, closed my eyes and gripped the pillow tightly to steady myself as the vibrations overwhelmed me. I was trembling and clenched in desperate need to cum. I began using the pillow as a way to move the toy slightly, to grind it against my dick without my fingers going numb and without breaking the feeling of something trying to pull an orgasm from me no matter what…”

Read the full story in Tess’s amazing guest blog: can gaming with sex toys give me better orgasms?

The way he touched another guy’s dick

I am eternally grateful to the Hot Octopuss PULSE for one of the sexiest things I have ever witnessed with my own two eyes. I was hanging out with a couple of lovely guys – both straight, but not weird about it. Flexible. It was one of those nights that started with a pint, progressed to a few more, then ended at mine where we all got naked and horny.

One of them – the guy who’d already had a go with the Hot Octopuss PULSE and understood how to use it – pulled the toy out and raised his eyebrows at the other. A charming ‘may I?’ politeness that made me squirm with delight. The other nodded and let the first one take him gently by the dick as he lubed him up and slipped the toy on.

I wasn’t physically part of this scene – I was in the background. Watching, slack-jawed with awe and damp-knickered with lust, as two of the men I loved most in the whole world explored this weird new thing. A toy that thrums vibration through someone’s dick, which only someone with a dick can really understand.

Read the full account of this (and hear it as audio porn) here.

Hot Octopuss PULSE Dragon Eye – 10 years!

Big long happy sigh. Where was I? Oh yeah! The whole point of writing this post was to give a shoutout to my sponsors Hot Octopuss, and congratulate them on ten years (TEN YEARS!) since the original PULSE was launched. They’re celebrating it by releasing a special limited-edition PULSE toy – all the same incredible functionality (it oscillates and pulls orgasms out of you like God himself is ripping out your soul) but in a beautiful new design. An irridescent blue that looks delightful on your bedside table, and may be less intimidating if you’re introducing new partners to the wonderful world of dick vibes. Behold: the Hot Octopuss PULSE Dragon Eye!

Doesn’t come with free hand

Want one? Of course you do! Buy Hot Octopuss PULSE Dragon Eye for £89.95 + shipping (or $99.95 if you’re in the US) and see what horny moments you can rack up as you put it through its paces.

If you, like me, don’t have a dick and feel ripped off that you don’t get a go on this toy, console yourself with one of my other favourite sex toys – the AMO bullet vibe. I am currently experiencing a few stages of grief because I used the wrong charger with mine and fucking BROKE IT. Genuinely gutted. Hope Hot Octopuss read this and offer to send me a new one.

Hot Octopuss kindly provided me with one of the limited edition PULSE Dragon Eye toys for free in exchange for a review, but because my new boyfriend is not massively familiar with sex toys and I don’t want to give him pressured homework, I am reluctant to make him contribute to a review so soon in our relationship. Rest assured we will play with it and I’ll update you if hot things occur. Buying from my sponsors helps support my work and means I can keep buying him craft beer and breakfast food, so that he doesn’t dump me.