Girl on the Net

Sometimes a girl just gets an idea that won’t leave her head until she has made it happen. And when I first saw The Big Gay Review’s post about the Fleshlight Launch, I realised that this automated dick-stroking gadget could potentially be adapted to make one of my sexiest dreams come true: the dream I have about orgasm, and watching a guy get milked of all his lovely spunk. So I nagged Fleshlight, got them to send me a Launch, then settled down in my workshop to build a thing. Behold: The Machine.

Let me begin by telling you a bit about Fleshlight. Fleshlight, if you haven’t heard of them, are a company that makes a whole range of masturbators. Also known as strokers, wank sheaths, dick toys, and – my least favourite term – pocket pussies. They basically consist of a plastic tube with a screw cap, and inside there is a vagina or an arse or a pair of lips ready to give you a simulated suck job – that kind of thing.

Fun behind-the-scenes fact: ‘pocket pussy‘ is such a popular search term that the people at Fleshlight asked me to include it with a link for their SEO. And when you see how much joy I have squeezed out of their Launch, you’ll hopefully understand why I was happy to comply. 

Personally, I am less keen on super-realistic-looking dick toys – I prefer ones that come in abstract shapes. But realistic masturbators are incredibly popular, so clearly there are lots of people who like the visuals as well as the nice sensation. If you’re not keen on the visuals, they also make some less realistic looking toys, like the Flight Pilot (which is my fave of the toys they make, but the one I have isn’t compatible with the Launch, so for the purposes of this experiment I’m using the Stamina Training Unit, which is basically a pink cunt in a golden tube, of the kind I imagine you’d be presented with if you happened to come first in the Wanking Olympics).

When you see it like this it is not surprising that so many people still call it a ‘pocket pussy’

I digress. I love Fleshlights (and pretty much ALL dick toys), because even though I don’t have a dick, I can use them for lovely things. Like telling a guy to shut up and watch porn while I go to town on his granite-hard erection. Lovely.

But there is SO MUCH MORE TO THIS.

The Fleshlight Launch

The Fleshlight Launch is an additional tool in your wanking arsenal. A machine which mimics the up-and-down stroking motion of masturbation, allowing you (OK: me) to explore a brand new dynamic: that of automated orgasm (or forced orgasm if you want to be a little more BDSM about it). You screw your favourite Fleshlight into the Launch, hold the machine in your lap and turn it on. Whereupon it starts stroking the Fleshlight rapidly back and forth until you fill the squishy tube with every drop of your lovely jizz.

If you’re using the Fleshlight Launch on your own, then you’ll basically just hold it yourself. The buttons on either side allow you to control things like speed and length of stroke. There’s also, because we live in the fucking FUTURE now, a mode where you can hook the Launch up to a virtual reality porn app, and it will sync the strokes on the toy with the action that’s happening inside your VR headset. A dude and I have had a play with this and it basically does what it says on the tin, although in a way that is ever-so-slightly-off, like fucking a sex robot over a slightly laggy wifi connection. This could be our internet being slow, but we have a really fat broadband pipe so I doubt it. Anyway. Ignore the VR-porn-hookup feature for now – it definitely has possibilities, which I might go into in a future post.

For now just imagine the Launch being held in someone’s lap, and mechanically stroking their dick at whatever speed and stroke length they’ve chosen. Got it? Good. This is ace if what you want is to have a wank where you don’t really have to do much work – you just hold it, stick on some porn (or play the filthy fantasies that go round and round in your head), and let it do its thing. But what I want, as I believe I may have mentioned, is to watch a man being milked of his spunk. I would like to be able to tell him to put his hands behind his back and his cock in a machine, so I can sit back and observe while it strokes him to the brink of climax. Then I want to see him bite his lip at the point of ecstasy, and empty a giant load of jizz into it.

For that I need the thing to be hands-free. I don’t just want an automated Fleshlight wank-machine, I want an automated Fleshlight that can be strapped to a table in order to milk someone’s spunk.

I considered a number of possibilities to achieve this: using ropes or bungee cords to attach it to a table or the arm of a sofa, bringing in another willing person to simply hold it in place for me, or 3D printing a couple of clips that would hold it neatly to a table. But none of those options was quite what I was after. And because the Launch is cylindrical, it’s much harder to achieve a solid position on any given surface.

I wanted to be able to rest the Launch on a table-top without it rolling around from side-to-side or shifting position. If you try to rest your Fleshlight Launch on a tabletop, because the machine is curved, it shifts around and slides. If you try to put a dick in it, it slides even further. If you try to thrust into it, you simply push the machine away from you, which could be a little bit sexy in a kind of ‘frustrated orgasm’ way, but is more likely to end up looking like a dick-based version of tabletop air hockey.

So. The Fleshlight Launch isn’t quite the milking machine of my wildest fantasies. But as comedian Josie Long says: sometimes if you want something to exist you have to make it yourself.

So I fucking well did.

Making a custom mount for the Fleshlight Launch

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, my partner and I… we like to build things. And if I can build a thing that I can later use to fulfil a grubby fantasy, so much the better. So for those who might want to make your own hands-free custom mount for the Fleshlight Launch, here’s a quick how-to. For those of you who’d just like to read a detailed and sordid account of what happened the first time I used it, you’ll have to wait until Sunday’s blog post.

Meanwhile DIY fans, and people who like weird shit, gather round. Here’s how to make your own Fleshlight Launch mount.

You’ll need:

• A flat board that’s longer than your Fleshlight launch.
• Some small offcuts of wood to act as batons and hold the thing in place.
• The original packaging that comes with your Fleshlight Launch (this is very important – don’t throw it away).
• Screws, nails, wood glue, a ruler, a saw, a craft knife, a hammer and a screwdriver.

A few of the materials I used in the creation of The Machine

I used offcuts of a bunch of wood that I’ve been using for other projects. This one is a prototype, so if I want to use this more often I might end up buying some nicer wood so I can make a prettier one. But my first aim was just to show this could be done and that it’d work.

Step 1: Create a lip

Wood and stuff

First thing you need to do is create a lip that will sit at the base of the wooden board (which is what you’ll sit your Fleshlight Launch on) – this will hold the mount tightly to the table and mean that when you insert a dick in it, you won’t just fuck it halfway across the countertop.

Measure your baton, cut a piece that’s the same width as your wooden board, and use wood screws to secure it in place.

Wooden lip holds base board tight against tabletop

Step 2: Make a cradle for the automated Fleshlight Launch

Your mount will now be fairly secure against the table (meaning if you stand still in front of it – or ideally are restrained in place in front of it, your dick won’t just poke it away from you), so the next step is to focus on getting the Launch resting securely on the mount itself. Of course, if you’re slapdash and you don’t care about utterly destroying the casing of your Fleshlight Launch, there are a million and one ways you can do it. You could probably prop it between a couple of breeze blocks or something.

But I wanted to make sure that the Fleshlight Launch could be popped into the mount and then removed without harming it (so it could be used for other Sex Purposes later on). And I’ve not got a car so there’s no way in hell I’m getting breeze blocks back from Wickes on the tube in the middle of winter. So I needed a better way to hold the Launch still.

Initially I thought about using wooden batons screwed to either side of the mount which the narrow end of the Launch would bump up against, like this:

Fleshlight Launch lying on wooden base board, with my initial (less good) idea for keeping it still

But then I realised I already had the perfect Fleshlight-Launch-shaped housing, in the form of the packaging that came with the toy.

Front (useful side) of packaging

Reverse of packaging

As you can see, the front of the packaging has been carefully shaped so that it neatly fits the top of the Launch. Unfortunately, it’s only designed to hold the Launch in transit, so if you try to keep the packaging on when the machine is going full-tilt and wanking someone off with long strokes, the polystyrene will get in the way of the stroke, thus ruining the wank, like so:

It would be like trying to have a wank while someone was holding a pillow against the end of your fist.

So position your polystyrene on the mount and carve out a gap with the craft knife for the end of your Fleshlight to enter on the up-stroke.

Fleshlight Launch with Fleshlight at full ‘up-stroke’ extension

Step 3: Make your back board

Naturally polystyrene isn’t going to be strong enough to withstand knocks, let alone the power of someone horny shoving their cock really really hard at it, so you’ll need a back board for your mount. Luckily, the wood I used for my base board was just long enough to also provide a back board of the same width.

Measure how far along the board you want your Fleshlight Launch to sit (I wanted it with a couple of inches of the Launch hanging over the front, so that when my dude is pressed up against it there’s no risk of him getting splinters in his balls from my slapdash woodwork). Position your Launch, with the polystyrene holder, where you’d like it to sit on the base board, measure, then cut.

I am using a laser-guided mitre saw, because I am a badass, but a hacksaw will do.

Once you’ve cut the right sized piece to make a back board, screw it to the top of the base board with wood screws like you did with the lip. You should now have a lip on the bottom to hold the mount to the table, and a board at the back to stop the Launch from getting fucked halfway across the room.

Basic mount ready, without polystyrene

When you add the polystyrene in front of the back board, you can see it should sit a couple of inches proud of the edge of a table like this:

Positioning the Launch on the mount

And as you can see from this angle, I’ve also carved a little out of the bottom of the polystyrene so it sits more securely on the wood. But the Launch is essentially just sticking into a bit of polystyrene, so at this point the fucker will still roll around too much if you use it for anything more than a gentle stroke or two.

About 5mm cut from the bottom of the polystyrene to make it sit further down on the base board

So it’s time for…

Step 4: More carving

Again, the lovely people at Fleshlight have helped us out a bit here: there’s another piece of packaging in the Fleshlight Launch box that is designed to sit snugly around the bottom of the toy. We’re going to use this as a secondary support to hold the Fleshlight Launch in place, and stop it tipping/rolling/sliding.

Take it out of the cardboard box:

One piece of original Fleshlight Launch packaging

Chop it roughly in half:

Fleshlight Launch packaging cut in half

Then carve out the centre of one of the circles until your Launch fits snugly inside it:

Fleshlight Launch packaging carved so beautifully you’re probably wondering if Rodin carved it. He didn’t: this is all my work motherfuckers.

Cut a small gap at the bottom too, like you did with the first bit of packaging, so it sits neatly on your wooden base board.

At this point the whole lot will still move around a fair bit if you turn the Launch on. That’s good, because you want to experiment to find exactly the right position. As you can see in the picture above, the Launch itself has a raised silver section on the underside. Your second bit of packaging should sit just over that silver bit. Have a wiggle, see what fits best, then mark off where you’d like the polystyrene bits to go.

Step 5: Make it stronger

When you know exactly where your polystyrene supports are going to go, measure the distance between them and cut a couple of new batons to sit between your polystyrene supports. These are just for strength, to make sure your polystyrene doesn’t move around in the heat of the moment.

You’re right I SHOULD get out more

Apply a bit of wood glue then nail them on between your polystyrene supports. Now’s also the time to apply some glue to your supports, to help them stay in place.

Step 6: Make it beautiful enough to fuck

This thing is going reasonably close to someone’s genitals (though if you’ve made it right, it shouldn’t actually make contact with the genitals – that’s the Fleshlight’s job), so you probably want to sand it down really thoroughly.

Maybe paint it a nice colour…

Fleshlight Launch mount painted in a garish red colour, reminiscent of a postbox or a worryingly tumescent erection

And disguise it if you’re worried that people will thing it’s a Sex Thing.

So SFW you could serve your guests tea and biscuits off it

I burned the words in with a soldering iron, but you could use a sharpie or paints or découpage or whatever craft best appeals to your own kinks. I like burning.

When you’ve finished, and the paint has dried, you need to sit down with a cup of coffee (or glass of wine, beer, or whatever it is you enjoy putting in your mouth), and turn on your Fleshlight Launch.

Sit back and marvel at the wondrous thing you’ve created and give yourself a giant pat on the back. Congratulations! You have spent time that you will never get back making a Sex Device for a purpose so specific you will probably only ever use it once.

But my God. MY GOD. Isn’t it beautiful? Look at your amazing automated Fleshlight spunk-milking machine! Aren’t you proud of yourself?

I know I fucking am.

Check out more details of the Fleshlight Launch on their website. They gave me this for free in exchange for a review, though I doubt this is the kind of review they were expecting, so thanks to them in advance for being good sports (PLEASE BE GOOD SPORTS). And check out this post on spunk-milking if you’d like to hear what happened when I finally got to put The Machine to work.

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