Girl on the Net

My first long-term relationship lasted 8 years, give or take – we had a fair few yo-yo break-ups towards the end. My most recent long-term relationship managed 9 years in total. But if measured by length of time, the longest sexual relationship I’ve ever had is not with a man, but a sex toy – my favourite ever wand.

Recently my Doxy – the Original Doxy, the very first one they made – started doing ominous things. After a solid decade of being vigorously and brutally shagged on an almost-daily basis, it started to stutter and stop. Mid-wank, it’d suddenly cease its powerful, relentless thrumming, and I’d have to fuck about with the buttons to get it going again in order to tip myself over the orgasmic edge.

Then it did it more frequently.

And then one day… it didn’t turn on at all.

Now. I wouldn’t normally try to sell you a sex toy off the back of saying ‘mine’s broken’, but I think that the lifespan of this toy – especially given what an epic wanker I am – is a truly impressive thing. As I say, although this Doxy has finally packed up, it managed to outlast every romantic relationship I have ever had in my life. It’s also currently on sale, cos you can get 35% off everything Doxy with the code EASTER35 (get in quick, before 2nd April 2024).

Farewell old friend

How many wanks can a vibe deliver?

Let’s do the maths on this. I received my Doxy from a sex toy company at Eroticon 2014, which happened sometime in February or March. Since I have had it, that wand has been used approximately (and conservatively) 3 times per week. There are 52 weeks each year, so that’s 520 weeks in ten years, multiplied by 3 equals 1560.

Now. I’m not entirely as consistent as that – sometimes I sub in my trusty Zumio, although more often a Zumio wank is had as well as a Doxy one. Switching up wanking tools means I get to come more than once a day, even if I’ve already attuned my clit to one kind of sensation. So that won’t have a huge effect on the overall number – let’s say maybe 60 wanks at most.

Sometimes I’d switch to one of the alternative Doxy wands, and that would bring the number down a little too. I used to have a Die Cast, which I used occasionally (though less frequently than the Original), but I generously donated that to a friend around 2019 or so, because he wanted to see if he could use it to induce orgasm in bound guys in kink dungeons (he could – woo hoo!). I also have a Doxy 3, which is a smaller – though still powerful – version of the same. About a year ago I also took ownership of the Doxy Bullet, which has picked up some serious slack since my Doxy broke, and which I imagine will be used even more in future years.

So let’s say, conservatively, that around 10% of the rest of the 1500 orgasms came from Alternative Doxy Wands, we’re still talking about 1350 wanks in total over a decade. The Doxy Original currently sells for £99.99, which means it costs around 7.4 pence per orgasm. Not fucking bad, right? If you take into account the current Easter discount, the Doxy Original would cost £64.99 so you’re looking at 4.8 ppw. Astonishing.

The end of an era…?

I wasn’t entirely sure how to mark the end of my Doxy. It feels like I should do something significant to wave goodbye to this old friend, something that’s given me so much pure joy. But short of giving it an actual Viking funeral by pushing it into the Thames in a wooden box, then firing flaming arrows at it until that sinks (pros: would be incredibly fun, cons: would pollute the river and potentially attract the attention of police) I don’t know what I could do that would genuinely capture the significance of this toy.

This sex toy helped me through times when I was so anxious I could barely come at all. It was one of the first ‘reviews’ I ever wrote, and off the back of it I started to feel like I might genuinely be able to make a career out of sex blogging. It was one of the first vibrating toys my ex and I ever used together, and it opened the floodgates for so much fun and experimentation, not to mention a boatload more wands, rabbits, bullets, and even fuckmachines. Writing about the Doxy Original introduced me to Doxy themselves, a truly lovely company with a focus on quality and ethics, who’ve supported my blog ever since. On top of this, I’ve recommended the Doxy to many of my friends – and used it on a few of them too. So as well as outlasting every single boyfriend I’ve ever had, the Doxy Original has even managed to spread joy throughout my friendships, and provide fun times that we still sometimes reminisce about to this day.

I loved my Doxy. I loved it hard. I loved it regularly. I loved it for ten solid years.

But although it’s sad to mark the end of this joyous era, there is good news to usher in the next: since I got my Original Doxy all the way back in 2014, they’ve expanded the range of colours to include my favourite.

My brand new Doxy is purple.

How you doin’

I will take such good care of you/absolutely ruin you with fuck

35% off all the prices below if you use the code EASTER35 before 2nd April 2024

Get a Doxy Original of your own for £99.99

Get a Doxy Die Cast (the fancy metal one which comes with lots of different designs) for £154.99

Get a Doxy 3 (the dinky portable one) for £134.99

Get a Doxy 3R (the dinky portable one that is rechargeable rather than wired) for £149.99

Get Doxy butt plugs (these have nothing to do with this blog post, I just fucking love them) for £44.99

Doxy sponsors my website but they didn’t pay me to write this blog post, and in fact they didn’t even give me my new Doxy Original for free. I figured my last one had given me so much joy it was time to put my hand in my pocket and actually pay for another. After all, at less than 5 pence per wank it’d be rude not to..