How brilliant is sex as a form of exercise? I’ve always been sceptical of cheesy articles that claim you can burn off your Christmas dinner with a little bit of sexercise. The claim is ridiculous for obvious reasons: not only does every couple have different sexual preferences, but even in a couple your tastes change from week to week depending on your mood. Sure, you might burn 300 calories with one particularly rigorous shag, but if the next night involves a quickie in which you lie back and think of England while your partner (or partners) put in all the work, you’re unlikely to have burnt off so much as a sprout or two.
Still, there are interesting things to be learnt from these studies, and here’s one of them:
In a recent study, using 21 heterosexual couples, the average shag duration was twenty five minutes.
TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES
While I am confident that my own sexual experience is in no way indicative of the whole of the heterosexual adult population, the revelation that the average shag lasts for almost an entire episode of Red Dwarf had me gobsmacked.
I mean, twenty-five minutes. I feel utterly ashamed that I’ve been letting my partners down so badly over the years with puny 5-minute quickies or equally disappointing drawn-out sessions that barely get us from one Xfactor ad break to the next. Perhaps it’s my penchant for efficiency, but as far as I’m concerned if something’s worth doing, it’s worth rushing through quickly so as to pack as much pleasure into as short a space of time as possible.
That’s not to say I never have good, long fucks. Occasionally I’ll have sessions that have lasted hours, albeit with occasional breaks for a bit of spanking or some gentle mutual masturbation while we think of a new position. All I’m saying is that on average – average – I suspect most of my shags last about five minutes.
Anyway. Enough of my shock. If you are one of those who can hump solidly and excitedly for a full twenty-five minutes, I salute you, and am in awe of your sexy prowess. If, on the other hand, you are like me, and your average sexual escapade can be done and dusted in the time it takes to microwave a ready meal, here’s a comparison which will hopefully make you feel less inadequate when compared to the ‘average’ twenty-five minuters.
Feel free to add your own comparisons in the comments.
Sexercise – him driving
This includes doggy, leaning up against a wall, bent over the coffee table – all the usual favourites. But essentially anything in which I am taking part but not the one who sets the rhythm. The bowman to his cox, if you will.
Duration: five minutes.
Calories burned: roughly the same as holding a mildly challenging yoga pose while panting like a dog in a sauna.
Sexercise – me driving
This tends to take longer than other types of sex, so gets its own entry. I think it takes longer because I have to occasionally stop or slow down to delay my own orgasm (post-orgasm my legs stop working, and make the whole thing far too difficult), but it’s possible that I am just incredibly bad at it.
Duration: ten minutes.
Calories burned: the equivalent of navigating a medium-sized Tesco metro on a spacehopper.
Blow job
OK, it’s not exactly a marathon, but I’m sure you burn more calories sucking cock than sitting on the sofa, so it counts a bit. For this example I’m using proactive blowjobs, in which the guy’s sitting/lying down and I am working around him using hands/lips/tongue. I don’t do that thing where you push the cock sideways into your cheeks, though. As far as I’m aware, that move has been copyrighted by porn.
Duration: five-ten minutes.
Calories burned: about as many as you’d burn during a hot-dog swallowing contest, if the total hot-dogs consumed had the same calorific value as a teaspoonful of spaff.
Hand job
I wish I was great at hand jobs. I wish I could skillfully and dexterously do things to a guy’s cock that he’d never even thought of before, leaving him trembling and panting after a jizz-explosion so good it almost counts as pyrotechnic. I’d like to, but I can’t. As I grit my teeth, desperate to please but fully aware that I’ll only ever be 20% as good as he is at doing this, eventually my hand gets tired and I usually switch back to ‘blow job’ mode.
Duration: three minutes, if I’m doing really well.
Calories burned: the equivalent to shaking medium-viscosity tarmac out of a Heinz ketchup bottle.
Wank
The classic, the staple, the laziest way to reach orgasm. Unlike those of you who might have more imagination than I do, I don’t tend to treat myself with lingering bathtime wanks or extended sessions with multiple toys, so provided I haven’t over-indulged earlier in the day, masturbation is phenomenally quick.
Duration: one minute.
Calories burned: same as erasing three lines of pencilled notes in your average moleskine notebook.
11 Comments
Personally, I would’ve LOVED to have been there at the moment you read sex on average takes 25 minutes, and the cold hard feeling you’ve been doing it wrong…
…Oh shit, that was just me…?
Fine, I’ll exit, stage left…
Surely it depends on your definition, though? I mean, I can happily spend several hours engaged in sexy times, but if you take out the pauses to get my breath back, and divide the remaining time by the number of orgasms I’ve had, it undoubtedly comes out at less than twenty-five minutes per orgasm.
Sorry, I fear I’m showing off now…
I wonder with the 25 minutes if they’re talking about just p into v time or including everything from the commencement of sexytimes until someone goes off in search of a towel and their underpants.
That is a very good question, and one I pondered myself. I am thinking of doing my own study, measuring my own sexytimes, to see if my time estimates above are actually reflective. The ones above are all PIV times, but I don’t think I spend that much longer on the build up, maybe an extra minute or so if I’m feeling particularly romantic.
Maybe it’s just me, but 45 minutes is not unusual. Been over an hour a few times. Girlfriend wonders if she’s doing something wrong…but then she doesn’t do any of your list…and isn’t the most energetic either so I don’t think she gets the same kind of workout!
I was going to say something similar. The five minutes probably shows what a good shag the girl is! I have gone on for ages with some women but with my long term partner I tend to come quick ku because she is such a good lay. The good news is she comes quickly too. Average five minutes PIV time but foreplay can be anything from ten minutes up to an hour.
Loved this post – made me laugh out loud at a couple of points. I particularly enjoyed lines like “I’m sure you burn more calories sucking cock than sitting on the sofa.” If that isn’t an advert for giving head I don’t know what is.
Does that mean me and my wife are abnormal?
We regularly go at it all night. (Wife is a nympho)
Nope, it doesn’t mean you’re abnormal. Just that you and your wife are different to me – which loads of people are. The reason I wrote the blog above is because I wanted to highlight that not everyone is average. In my case, I’m much quicker, in yours you’ve got far more stamina. Impressive =)
I’ve recently found myself trying to speed up my own orgasm to have it happen at the same time as my partner, as I’m seeing a girl that finds it difficult to carry on or even do anything much at all other than breath after she orgasms from penetration. She feels really sensitive to the point where her skin hurts to be touched more. This usually happens around at around 5 minutes of full on sex after a good 30 – 45 mins foreplay but i think i’ve usually always been more a 15 minutes of penetration, minimum, kind of guy.
This has led to quite a few times of me missing the boat, as it were, and having to wait frustratedly to have another go with a raging erection at does not want to quit. I don’t think we’re quite at the point where I could finish myself off over her tits or something yet. She’s also quite spaced-out post-orgasm so i think that might be a bit creepy, as she would be kind of oblivious.
Reading other posts about how much you like boys wanking has heartened me somewhat that this could be an option but this lady in question is somewhat more the switch/dominant type and is mostly at least equally in charge, right up until the spaces the fuck out, so I’m not sure how she feels about being wanked over, post-sex.
Its a very fine balance though, if I come too soon then she might not reach orgasm and I would feel kind of stupid for rushing…
GOTN
I always love your work almost indiscriminately. However, something popped out at me. You often say that you cannot wank boys as well as they do. Well, yes, within parameter that you cannot beat their skill (if you excuse the pun) in knowing their own dick and how to work it, you can certainly learn how to do it so it surpasses their own experience of it. For the record, I was always a bit scared to wank boys off and did it awkwardly – a bit of furtive tugging here and there and then I would usually resort to sticking it in or putting it in my mouth because both places are nice, wet and warm and the precious dick is just so much safer there, right? Well, wrong.
However, a very good mate of mine (a man) is a Tantric practitioner and of an evening we started talking about the art of wanking and the untold riches of working man’s dick properly. Now I needed to find that dick. Few weeks later, I have brought my willing ‘model’ for a session and I learned how to work a dick. It was 2 hours of relaxing massage and then off we went master the art of dick-work.
There are several techniques, usually used in Tantra ‘twist and shout’ and a ‘cock around the clock’ ones that work a treat, working pressure points around the head, pulling, stretching, subtle squirt control – all done with heaps of lube of course. Let’s put it that way – the ‘model’ had time of his life and admitted to never had his dick handled so well. Watching him twitch, writhe, moan, his dick swelling, stiffening, and going through different phases of hardness and feel was actually quite extraordinary. I realised that up to that moment, despite a fairly diverse range of experiences I have never actually spent that much time with something that I obsess about so much. Now, ‘model’ and I have become an item (not surprisingly perhaps) and I love nothing more than spend ages wanking him off. He can stare at my tits as they jiggle enthusiastically while I am developing serious tone on my arms and I am doing magical things to his dick, control the squirt and just be in love with his dick for what seems like ages. What’s more orgasms pretty much every time (wanking on his own – straight ‘come’ by the way). I am genuinely in love with the wonder of dick all anew.
Heartily recommend taking up some of the training with your boy and see what’s possible :-)))))
Love and kisses
PrivatelyAbsurd
xxxx