So, that sexual fantasy list has been doing the rounds. A bunch of people did a study on sexual fantasies, asking another bunch of people to rate various desires on a scale based on how much they wanted to do them.
It’s great, because:
a) it’s allowed countless news outlets to go ‘OMG loads of people want to get fucked by a stranger!’ and
b) it gives me an excellent thing with which to gauge just how well my next blog about piss play will go down (not that well, but better than anything on goatfucking).
Essentially, it’s a long and indulgent list of some of my favourite things, many of which turn out to be more popular than I’d previously thought (well over a quarter of people fantasise about swinging, for example). It also – like most scientific and sexual things – gave me a thrill of joy to hear pervery discussed in the language of the academics. “Being masturbated by an acquaintance,” is up there as one of my favourite new phrases.
Problems with listing ‘sexual fantasies’
However, despite my feeling that it’s generally A Good Thing, I have a couple of problems with the sexual fantasies study.
Firstly, loads of people are discussing it under the headline ‘are your fantasies NORMAL?‘ or ‘is your sexual fantasy WEIRD?‘ as if you need to go and check your dreams off against a master list to determine your worth as a human. While this might be helpful for some who are nervous about their sexual fantasies, keeping them secret because they fear someone going ‘Christ you’re such an oddball,’ there’s no point saying ‘hey look these are pretty common’ if you end up throwing those people who have less common fantasies under the bus. It can be good to know how likely it is that we’ll meet someone who has a matching fetish, but implying that those less-common fantasies are ‘weird’ is pretty damn annoying.
Secondly, and more pressingly for a perv like me, I’m bothered by the fact that the fantasies are so broad. Because of this, the list isn’t not nearly as sexy as it could be. Lots of people might tick ‘threesome with two guys’ when presented with the option, but people’s mental lives are often interesting in ways that any tickbox list will struggle to capture. I appreciate that this isn’t the fault of the people who carried out the study – if they’d included every possible fantasy no one would ever have got to the end of the list.
But while I might be well up for being masturbated by an acquaintance (and likely I’d have performed that survey by hitting ‘check all’ then just unticking the few that didn’t appeal), my actual fantasies are a bit more complicated than that. Acquaintance-wanking sounds fun, but it’s not something I regularly think about when I’m rubbing one out. If I were asked to sum up some of my filthier fantasies, I’d be less likely to say that I fantasise about shagging someone older, and more likely to say ‘I think about being defiled by someone in authority, while a junior or subordinate watches, as if he’s being instructed in how to fuck me.’
Sexual fantasies that will never make the list
So with that in mind, here are some things that will never get onto any sexual fantasy list. They’re pretty damn common, but possibly only in the porn cinema which plays in my own head.
- The tickling spray of jizz that squirts onto one of my nipples when the end of someone’s dick is pressed against it.
- The phrase ‘stay still while I fuck you.’
- A dude coming out of a particularly stressful business meeting and plunging his cock into my mouth to relieve the tension.
- Wanking in the back of science lessons and getting made to do it again so the headmaster can look on disapprovingly.
- Being made to say ‘thank you.’
- Having a guy with an erection press it against me on the tube while looking at me with begging eyes.
- Being strapped to a sofa while guys take it in turns to fuck my cunt.
- Being tied into a kneeling parcel while guys take it in turns to fuck my throat.
- A rugby team.
- A bunch of guys enjoying a sit-down three-course meal, during which my role is to sit under the table and suck them off throughout.
- Getting fucked in the kitchen while a guy pushes cake into my face.
- Preventing a guy from wanking for a month then making him come with a two-second lubed-up handjob.
Fantasy vs reality
As ever, when I mention certain things I’m obliged to point out that just because I fantasise about it, doesn’t mean I’d actually want it to happen. In real life, tube-boner guys are more intimidating than they are arousing, and wanking in front of my actual headteacher is making my face ache with cringe just thinking about it. But one of the good things about the study is that it highlighted that many people didn’t want all of their fantasies to come true. A quote from the Indy article:
“A significant proportion of women (30 per cent to 60 per cent) had fantasies involving elements of submission – but many also specified that they never wanted these to come true.”
While I want most of my submissive fantasies to come true, I certainly wouldn’t stand by all of them, and I think this is something we often forget when we’re talking about fantasy. So often we tie up what happens in our heads with what happens in real life that it’s easy to forget that one of the best things about our mental life is that it doesn’t have to come true if we don’t want it to.
So while it’s crap that much of the discussion around this study is focused on ‘whether you’re weird or normal,’ it’s great that people are starting to recognise that fantasy means something slightly different to ‘bucket list.’ In my brain I can explore all the dark and dirty things I like, have sexual adventures beyond the realms of probability and occasionally even possibility, yet come back to reality the second I take my hand out of my knickers.
Even better, if you never know what my fantasy was, and I’ll never know about yours, we can all be as ‘weird’ or ‘normal’ as we like.
30 Comments
As someone who’s pretty far out there on the “weird” with regard to the first category, can I just put in a plug (tee hee) for how incredibly goddamn frustrating our refusal as a culture to linguistically distinguish between “mental imagery you masturbate to” and “sexual desires you have and would like to exercise” is?
Absolutely – we don’t really have a simple linguistic distinction for it at the moment, but I suspect everyone has fantasies that fall into both of those categories, and when prompted most people do understand that they can be entirely separate things. I think it becomes more blurred as soon as it sways into taboo territory – a guest blogger wrote on here once about her “Daddy” and I think a lot of people struggled with the idea that she enjoyed the role play element, but would never want to actually shag her Dad. Same is true if I talk about more violent/dark fantasies of my own: people are more likely to blur the fantasy/reality lines when it’s something taboo than when it’s something that’s patently impossible – like my upcoming gangbang with three Doctor Who actors.
I found the opposite with my submissive fantasies; because I had to suppress them for so long, when I finally found people who could help me unleash them, I ended up with a thirst to expand my horizons. “Hold me down”, “call me names”, “tie me up”, just devolved into delicious little sub-categories which I could fulfill, though I imagine I might eventually reach a fantasy which is impossible to fulfull.
(…Daniel Radcliffe might end up single one day, you never know.)
Wait – Daniel Radcliffe isn’t single?! *tears up love letter*
And I love the phrase ‘delicious little sub-categories.’ Fun sex is all about the delicious little sub-categories =)
In addition to mental images that fit into the broad categories listed in the survey, I have a few fantasies that are incredibly detailed and complicated, some of which I aim to fulfil in all their specifically filthy detail and others that I would never want to come true. Rather than ‘normal’ or ‘weird’ I would prefer to categorise fantasies as ‘common or garden’ or ‘now that’s interesting…’
I like the way the fantasy at the very bottom of that survey is having sex with children – which marks at just under 1% for females and nearly 2% for males. So unless I’m misunderstanding how this study was conducted, isn’t there around 39 Canadians the University of Montreal should maybe have a bit of a talk to…?
Not unless any of them have actually had sex with children, surely? I mean, I’m pretty sure all the people who answered that question know that having sex with kids is morally hideous.
Edited to add: there are a fair few things on that list that are illegal if you actually carry them out – bestiality, forced sex, etc as well as paedophilia.
Child abuse rates are high enough that I’m not surprised at that one, sadly. In fact, I’d expect it to be higher. I also suspect the real child abusers wouldn’t own up to anything, even a fantasy, so the people who do admit to it are perhaps more likely to be the paedophiles who recognise their desires are wrong and never act on them. Similarly, some people who daydream about forced sex wouldn’t want to go anywhere near it in real life, others, not so much.
Interestingly, Angela Carter argued that it you fantasise about being raped, it’s not really a rape fantasy, because you are in control of what happens in the fantasy. Heaven knows she wrote enough of what would probably be called dub-con if she were in fandom today, as well as plenty of rape scenes. And incest, she had a thing about incest. Not to mention her study of the Marquis de Sade. The year she died, over 50% of postgrad applications in English Lit at my uni were about her, I’m told, which tells you something about academics in that field!
Hmm… so these people would openly admit to having that as a fantasy but at the same time consider the idea of actually carrying it out ‘morally hideous’? You’re probably right, I just find it funny that someone would be so open about it in a survey. I mean it’s not a healthy thing is it, even within the realms of fantasy. I would still find that answer incredibly worrying – whether it be given in a scientific study or an impromptu poll conducted in a pub or something. Was the survey anonymous?
Yes — a lot of people, myself included, admit to fantasizing about things that they don’t actually fancy in real life (e.g. rape); fantasies are a safe space for our dark desires. People aren’t just open about it in surveys; they’re open about it in real life, on the internet, and while talking with people they can trust. There have been a couple of guests on Savage Love who discussed the differences between pedophiles and child molesters, and how the internet has allowed pedophiles to engage in peer support groups and seek out mental health professionals so that they don’t act on their desires. It’s much healthier and safer to fantasize about some sexual desires or act them out with someone who’s game and of age rather than enact them in real life illegally or with an unwilling participant!
And of course “pedophiles” properly are people who only or primarily fantasize about children – not absolutely everyone to whom the thought has ever occurred, or who ever got at all aroused reading an account of it…
I strongly suspect it was an anonymous survey, although even then I’m surprised that the numbers are so high. That’s around 3 in every 200 people. But as J. Constance says, it’s more than possible for people to have these fantasies and never act on them. As with anything sexual, I think more open and honest discussion is a good thing – means that those who need help can seek it.
I completely agree with your last point. Nevertheless, I don’t think you can place every fantasy – that would be illegal to act out – in equivalence just because it’s all fantasy. You’re honestly saying you’d react in the same way if a partner said to you they fantasize about having sex with children than if they said they fantasize about forced sex, sex outdoors and any other thing on that list that happens be against the law to actually do?
And that GTA thing below is the stupidest comparison I’ve ever read.
You’re right – I wouldn’t place it in the same way, and to be honest that’s why I didn’t mention it in the original piece. The main thing that struck me when I looked through the list was just how common some of my own fantasies are (swinging and group sex in particular), as well as a couple of surprises when things I’d have assumed were relatively popular (piss play, for eg) weren’t rated so highly.
I wouldn’t react in the same way if someone said they had fantasies about kids, or animals, but I wouldn’t have them arrested either because while I might not like it they haven’t actually done anything wrong. I’d probably think ‘God you poor fucker’ and suspect that the reason they’d told me is that they wanted to seek some help. I’m not entirely sure what we’re debating here, though, because I feel like we would probably all have the same gut reaction if someone told us these fantasies (eugh!), so unless one of us is arguing that the fact that someone has these fantasies is grounds for arrest, then I don’t think I have any disagreement? Basically I didn’t go into this stuff in the piece because it feels like it’s in a different category to many of the other fantasies.
I think people sometimes fantasize about things that are illegal and wrong because they are illegal and wrong. I can get off talking about things that in no way I would ever want to do and that do nothing for me unless it’s in the context of talking utterly depraved with another Prevert. Is a real turn on for me when I’m having phone sex with a twisted perv for him to say ” man you are a fucking perv “. I could be taking about pussy, something I have no desire for, but when I’m feeding another persons reaction to what I’m saying I can talk pussy with the best of them
Why?
I’m almost afraid to ask, but would you advocate arresting everyone who plays Grand Theft Auto, too?
Well first of all Azkyroth, no one anywhere at any point mentioned arresting anyone.
Not literally, no, but you’re clearly advocating that purely imaginary visualizations of illegal actions be treated as at least semi-interchangeable with real crimes, at least in a case where you have an additional premise of “EWW EWW EWW.”
“EWW EWW EWW,” however, is not ethically relevant, and I am showing how substantially the same logic is self-evidently absurd when that premise is removed. Whether or not you used the “a-word” is a distinction without a difference, particularly given the following:
So you think it’s a perfectly healthy fantasy then?
I don’t think anyone’s said that, and tbh I’m struggling to see what you want either I or Azkyroth to say. Is it a healthy fantasy? God no, I suspect it’s one that causes a phenomenal amount of pain for those who have it, because everyone knows that fucking kids is immoral. So should they stop fantasising? Sure, if that were in any way possible, which I doubt it is any more than it’s possible for me to stop fancying guys. Is it an arrestable offence? No, because what happens in your head can’t (and, to my mind, shouldn’t) be policed. Should people act on it? Of course not. Will people act on it? Maybe, which is why we have laws to prevent people acting out any fantasy they have that will end up in harm for other people.
I don’t want to speak for A, obviously, but as far as I’m concerned if your fantasy remains a fantasy, and you never act on it, then no matter how abhorrent I find it personally, if it stays in your head then I’ve no right to do anything about it. Technically, in ticking the ‘yes’ box, that fantasy spilled out from someone’s mind and into the real world, so I guess fair enough it will attract criticism, discussion and judgement. But – and this isn’t a rhetorical question, because I want to get to the bottom of whether and where we disagree on this because it’s interesting – what do you think should happen above and beyond that discussion?
To GOTN well, if it is anonymous then nothing can be done. If not, then maybe contact these people for support…? Which, believe it or not, is what I was implying with the original ‘have a bit of a talk to’ comment.
As a matter of mental imagery accompanying masturbation? I don’t think “healthy” is relevant either, and I recognize that as a deliberately loaded question.
A better question: who does the thought harm?
I think it depends on which version you’re playing. Personally, I’d advocate arresting whoever was responsible for the godawful Game Boy Advance port.
My wife was rather annoyed things like bestiality and tentacles weren’t higher up on the list.
Personally I’m surprised that things like forced sex are so low. Lots of people (male and female) often come to her specifically to be dominated or something.
I thought forced sex was quite high, given what it is. Tentacle sex is absent though, iirc? Who knows how high it’d be if they asked?
Well, it’s less it being what it is, and the fact that almost everyone ever has had some fantasy involving someone else being in control.
Also, according to my wife, you’re not a pervert if you don’t enjoy the thought of tentacles and sex or at least understand the appeal.
Oh I can definitely understand the appeal. It’s one of those which, like Furries, I can understand but it does nowt for me. Slightly higher on the scale (things I am tempted by but not massively compelled to do) are things like pony play and splosh.
I just tweeted about my desire to be masturbated by an aquaintence. Or better yet a scientist talking dirty academic jargon while he demonstrates on me in his embarrassed sons class room. Most of my darker fantasies should not (and probably can not) come true. That’s why I fantasize about them. Of they existed in the realm of possibility I would probably be working to make them happen. I just started reading your blog and I’m really digging it. Your an awesome writer and I love how perverted you are. I sincerely hope somebody is punishing you because you truly deserve it
I believe I have mentioned before that I bake cakes QUITE often. :-)
I find it very interesting that the fantasies you list are all with you as sub, save for that last one.
What I’ve found on the fantasy-vs-reality scale is that when I didn’t have a lot of kink experience, I tended to have more extreme fantasies. Once I actually started to have a lot of BDSM in my life, my fantasies have begun to center on only things that I can actually imagine happening. No amount of extremity in fantasy, for me, compares to the frisson of actually possibility.