Every now and then my blogging muse deserts me, and I turn to Twitter for suggestions on what I should write about. Most people, given the season, suggested a 2012 round-up – my best moments of 2012, or something similar. But here’s the problem: I’ve already told you about my sexy times. Whether it’s sucking a guy off while he plays Xbox, berating idiot marketing companies about their patronising terms for female genitalia or furiously masturbating in train toilets, you’ve already seen some of my favourite things.
So I thought I’d get an alternative perspective. I asked the boy. You know the boy – the one I wrote about on Valentines Day. The one I’m currently making a valiant yet unsuccessful attempt to be monogamous with.
I’ve spent the best part of 2012 either drinking all his booze or sucking him off on the sofa, so I thought I’d see what – apart from the aforementioned sofa suck-jobs – were his stand-out moments of the year. In case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like going out with a neurotic, stressed, horny sex blogger, the below should help to thoroughly put you off.
“Ankles bedpost. Definitely.”
Having practised with a few knots, and variants on tying me spreadeagled across the bed, the boy feels like one of his top achievements of 2012 was discovering what I can only describe as ‘the deepest of all the fucks.’
To recreate the sexy times for yourselves, get a horny girl, lie her flat on her back on a bed and tie her ankles together. Lift her legs up and fold them back over her so her tied ankles are just above her head and her cunt is nicely on display. Attach ankle ties to bedposts, pulling rope through so you’ve got something to grip onto with your hands. Hold rope, insert dick, enjoy. (2019 update – this position is now illustrated beautifully above!)
I agree with him on this, and am ashamed that I haven’t yet told you about it in explicit detail. This moment gets a 9/10, dropping just one mark because despite it being one of the best things this year, we haven’t done it nearly often enough.
“Sexy times with the twisty kink tie thingys”
Knots are not only fiddly and difficult, but they can also seriously kill a mood if, like me, you’re not very good at doing them. Enter twisty kink tie thingys, or whatever they’re officially called.
They’re like rope, but quicker, which explains why we’ve used them far more often.
8/10
“Jelly sheath”
I am disappointed that so many things on his list are equipment-related, not something I’ve ever particularly focused on when I’m describing my sweaty humping, but I’ll press on regardless. If you don’t have a jelly sheath a hollowed out melon will probably do. Probably.
One of the things on my sexual bucket list had always been to wank a guy off with a sheath. When I give guys hand jobs I’m always aware that no matter how nimble my fingers or tight my grip, it’ll never be quite as good as when he does it himself. Although I can probably make you come with my hands, by the time you actually ejaculate you’ll be desperate to bat my incompetent fists away and just crack on with it yourself.
Enter the sheath: the game-changer. I bought one of these with the express intention of being able to efficiently wank the boy off while he watched porn in the living room. And it worked well. Better than well: it was awesome. A bit of lube, a firm grip, a decent porn on the telly and I had him twitching jizz-shots into it before you could say ‘oh holy Jesus that’s the best 15 quid I’ve ever spent.’
Unfortunately things went rapidly downhill from there. I accidentally left it at his house and – despite my express desire that he leave it the fuck alone so I could maintain my winning edge – he played with it himself one night. Not content to simply disobey my explicit instructions, he enjoyed it so much he fucked right through the end, splitting the sheath and costing himself 15 quid for a replacement.
5/10 – it’d have got a 10, but clearly it’s not sturdy enough to put up with any degree of enthusiasm.
Not-so-sexy times: “That argument over who buys the condoms”
‘Wait, this isn’t very sexy!’, I hear you cry. Well, no, it’s not, but for good reason. It’s because, despite occasionally being a horny internet minx, I am actually a real person as well. I know, I know – I’m as disappointed as you are.
Consequently, one of the things the boy remembers most about the last year is a raging fight over who should buy condoms. I thought it should probably be me, given that the reason we had to buy them is because I didn’t want to take time off work to go to the doctors for more pills. He felt that he should buy them because sometimes he likes to have a posh wank and didn’t want to be doing it on my dime.
In the end we compromised: he put in a bulk order, and I nicked some from a friend who worked at a sex clinic.
Score – 1/10. Well, it was a fucking row, wasn’t it?
“I don’t know how to end arguments”
This is in at number one, because apparently it sums up most of what hanging out with me entails.
I was angry (as is standard – I like to maintain a base level of rage at all times, it helps to power me through the day) at the boy. He’d done something that had really pissed me off (not a minor thing like fucking through the end of a wanking sheath, but a major thing like being late for an event or trying to correct my grammar), so I threw a gigantic strop, hurling my toys out of the pram and telling him to fuck off back to fucksville, or something I’m sure was equally witty.
Counterarguments were proffered then rejected, tears were shed and bitterness vented for a good five minutes or so. Then, inevitably, we ran out of things to say. There are only so many variations on the word ‘tosser’, after all.
So we sat and stared at each other for a while, feeling like this – while only our first proper argument – was destined to be our last. No one had capitulated and nothing significant had changed. So where do we go from here? I had visions of him just getting up and wandering out of my life, both of us staring confusedly into space and wondering just why the living fuck we’d chucked away a fun relationship simply because of conversational awkwardness. So I broke the silence:
“I don’t actually know how to stop this fight now that we’ve started it. Shall we just have sex?”
I’m delighted to say that he didn’t wander off. Instead he pulled down my trousers, used twisty kink ties to secure my ankles firmly to the bedpost, rolled on a condom and then fucked me like a sex toy.
10/10
A challenge
So, there you have it: the top sexy times of 2012 as told by my favourite boy. To be honest there are a few things that I’m disappointed didn’t make the cut. He seems to have bypassed the gratuitously disgusting moments in favour of those that either involved gadgets or made me look like a raging harpy. Still, I certainly can’t fault his honesty and perceptiveness, and I suppose if I want to burn the filthier things into his mind, there’s always 2013.
So to round things off, a challenge: if you’ve a partner or a regular fuck, ask them what you did in 2012 that most sticks out in their mind. If you blog it and drop me a link I’ll add it to the end of this post, or you can just leave a comment. You might learn something new about yourself, or simply get a feel-good kick from hearing someone else list some things you did that were hot. So ask: what were my stand-out moments of 2012? Then post it. Even if you learn nothing you’ll still be a winner, because as we ring in 2013, there’ll be just that bit more filth on the internet for us to wank to.
Happy New Year, perverts.
Sexy times update:
Well done to InnocentLoverboy, first blogger to rise to my challenge and write a hilarious blog. Find out how, in 2012, he and his partner shagged “like particularly energetic people who are shagging.” It’s funny: click.
And now Liza has joined in, with a really lovely post about some fun she had with her boy in 2012 making a video of themselves. It’s brilliant: click.
Ooh, and a rather romantic and heartwarming one from Emily Daniel, about being shaved by her husband and then (my favourite part) vigorously fucked. Do the clicking thing, immediately.
And this excellent sexy times round-up post by Venus in Slurs which includes a description of a very sexy grunt-growl that makes me slick my knickers.
23 Comments
Very interested in hearing more about these ‘twisty kink tie thingys’ – What material are they made from?
Love the idea of getting a partner to review your year! Not so sure I could get Mister to elaborate on anything more than ‘it was all great’ (actual response!).
Best wishes for a fabulous 2013!
LadyP x
Good question – I should have added a link! They’re these: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=14631 I should totally get commission if anyone buys them from here =)
Enjoy – and happy new year!
Poundshop. DIY section.
(They also make a lovely ‘thwack’ sound when spanking although they’re shit for inflicting mild pain).
Are you saying that the kwiktiekink things can be bought from Poundshop? Or is there an image somewhere we’re not seeing? I love a bargain sex toy
Those tying-up things are excellent. Faster, more adaptable and more reliable than handcuffs, and all the fun of ropes without needing a boy-scout to help out with the complex knots. Does that make me sound like I should be on a register? For the avoidance of doubt no boy-scouts were injured in the making of this fetish.
Also recommended: the grimly-named “We-vibe” from Ann Summers, which sounds like a foot massager from the Apple Store, but is even more fun than that. Not cheap, but worth every penny – we went for the £100 model, bought on a whim while waiting for a movie to start in the Trafford Centre. We decided to drive home at speed rather than watch the movie.
A suggestion: quickly invent an alternative name for it, because gasping “quick, get the We-vibe” mid-coitus does NOT help the mood. We chose “Pendegraph”. God knows why. We talk gibberish a lot.
For bonus points, the lady using the Pendegraph on her own while wetly sucking on the gentleman and so excited she could barely breath…. yes. That was good!
Also on the subject of driving (which I was, a while back): ordering her to use a vibrator on the A6 traveling home from London was grrrrrrr excellent. And I’ve refused to let her clean the seat, because I like it. So there.
But on the “not so good” side, there’s the time I sliced her ladyparts open with an untrimmed fingernail. The unexpected bit of poo in the bed (still not sure who’s – you can’t dust for poo). And the “whoops, sorry I bit your surgery scar really hard” moment. All on different days though, it wasn’t one REALLY weird evening.
I’d try to think of a better reply but to be honest I’m too busy laughing. This is an amazing answer, and that you have contributed it has just made my day =)
I did mine (of a sort) here: slightly different from yours, GOTN, as it only covers the past three months (for REASONS) and is slightly less filthy (also for REASONS).
But that’s the beauty of things and stuff.
Hers: “I remember you fucking me standing up over my sink in the kitchen at my new place, that was a hot fuck, lots of kissing up against the wall and hands everywhere and lust.”
Mine: “The couple of times when, after I’ve made you say ‘thank you’ when I slide my cock in, you then keep repeating it involuntarily throughout the rest of the fuck… it is incredibly, unexpectedly hot.”
Both of us: “Oh yes, and the threesomes with [name]!”
That was a fun conversation, thank you. :-)
Ooh, nice – thank you for joining in! I love the ‘thank you’ thing. I might have to have a go at this sometime.
Well done. This post has prompted a filthy and affirming conversation with my lover about our best moments of the year which got my so wet that I had to pause to have a wank halfway though. We’re currently discussing things we’d like to try and haven’t yet. Bravo!
Well, as they say – it’s good to talk. Delighted that you like it, thanks! I know you blog too so do feel free to join in if your lover is up for it =)
I’d love to! And in the interests of fairness it’d be to include t’other lover too, although he hasn’t asked me the question I can pretend, right? Now I just need to find the time…
Have loved every post from you this more, thanks so much for this blog.
This *year*. Although please, please do write more :)
Love this post, So I asked him to think about our top 5 sexy times while he was on his night shift last night, and I woke up to this list today:
1. On your dining table
2. Various bottom play
3. Crying time
4. Coming on your glasses
5. Drunken handcuffs
My list is only slightly different, with crying time at the top and the addition of the time he left me chained to the bed while he showered and then paraded himself about wet and naked just out of reach to tease me. This is now known as the time I snapped the ankle cuffs to get cock, and would replace the time he came on my glasses (which was still very hot, I’m not complaining).
I can’t wait to find out his reasons, so typical of him to leave me wanting more.
Love this idea of asking him and then ranking it. Always nice to get a lover’s opinion. And it sounds as though you are doing spectacular with him, rows and all.
Awesome idea, the whole thing! We had great fun discussing it, but our sex life is a wee bit more complex so the chat was more emotional! I wrote it up here, it is terribly romantic, awwwwww: http://polykinkmonovanilla.blogspot.nl/2013/01/hubbys-sexual-moments-of-2012.html
P.S. A vote here against the joint use of the we-vibe, but watching hubby stretch it over his cock is fucking hot! Never seen anything make him orgasm that quickly. Much fun to be had.
That is an awesome post, I love it! Especially the bit where he pulled you off the bed and slid you straight onto his cock.
I’m just going to add this link to my post above and then… *ahem* … I’ll be in my bunk.
yey! Glad to have entertained
I’d list something but my very first threesome happened a couple of hours into 2013, so that doesn’t count :(
But for things that do count, I think a short and utterly romantic holiday during the summer goes a long way.
Here’s my contribution: http://venus-in-slurs.livejournal.com/1732.html
A mixture of his favourites and mine, since it’s my first sex-related blog post
That is hot! I seriously love your description of the sexy grunt-growl. These things get me every time. Thank you for joining in! I’ve added your post to my roundup above =)
Best moment of 2013 for me was after over a year of reading GOTN and finally feeling like I am justified in being a female who likes quickies, and enjoys giving blowjobs, and enjoys what the hell I enjoy no matter how many people tell me girls don’t really like X, Y, or Z I finally became a bit more insistent on what I do want.
I started seeing a new guy who does enjoy fairly standard things but has a learned hatred of the quickie. After a few months of him apologising if he felt he came too quickly he had finally accepted I like quickies sometimes and we had an amazing one in his dads kitchen. Best 2 minutes of my year!
Amazing – thank you for sharing! I personally think the kitchen is one of the best places for a quickie – my first ever boyfriend and I used to shag in his parents’ kitchen – the challenge was on to do it quickly before they burst in on us. We got quite good at it iirc =)
And thank you for being lovely – I’m so pleased you like the blog!