You’re not having the kind of sex you want with someone. So you talk. And you say “hey, I really like what we’re doing, but could I make a few requests? Suggestions?” And in all the happy stories and agony aunt columns we imagine a fictional partner who responds with enthusiasm and empathy and all that good stuff.
But real life isn’t always like that, more’s the pity. Here’s a guest blog from Brit Bitch Berlin about a gentleman she’s rather charmingly nicknamed Thor.
Re-Educating Thor: Sex without commitment
I had been sex-dating this guy for a few weeks, and was a bit unsure whether I was just so awed by his ripped body that I wanted to continue, or under some weird “gotta try everything once” kind of spell.
There was something about wrestling with his beautiful body, as well as perhaps enjoying the pleasure and power of wielding a butt-plug on a guy twice my size, and a decade younger, passive and bowed to my will.
However, I thought it was time to regroup, as our conversation had been limited. Very limited, till then. On the other hand, he had already enriched my vocabulary (and those of my friends, who are still reeling) by two words: butt-plug and cockslap. Did you know that you can buy butt-plugs that have diamonds inset in the heft?! And ones with a foxtail attached? Finally something for the girl who truly has everything.
Anyway, despite joyfully embracing new knowledge, I did also want to talk about boundaries and levels of intimacy. I was happy to try out new stuff with Thor and his hammer but I needed a level of intimacy that also included (for example) laughter, giggles and sensuality. I also needed to talk about contraception, because it is really tedious having to push a guy away repeatedly before he dons the plastic cape. I mean, c’mon, we are not in Kindergarten here. And unless he proposes (with a butt-plug-ring?) and swears undying fidelity, he will be wearing rubber. Ironic really that someone so into having foreign objects (made of rubber) inserted into orifices has such a problem with putting one teensy tiny flimsy layer of rubber over a small part of himself…
So having finally lured him to a public place where they served food and drink, after eyeing each other hungrily for a while, our conversation went a little bit like this:
Me: So, shall I just lay it on the line?
I would like to enjoy nights of passion with you, without being exclusive, but also with a certain level of intimacy. That means we sometimes do stuff outside the bedroom, like go out to eat, and get to know each other a little better. For me, good conversation and great food often equals good sex. Feed me well, and I will be a happy bunny between the sheets…are you getting that I am really into food?
And, I need you to use contraception always, without me having to push you into it.
Also, I don’t like it when you hit me in the face. With anything. Even if it is a soft part of your body. (OK, OK I made that bit up) Even though it doesn’t hurt. It’s not about that. It just doesn’t doesn’t turn me on. Also, when you spit on my back while you are fucking me? I don’t get it? OK your turn, what do you want?
Thor: Um well, I don’t really know…I haven’t really thought about it much. I guess I just want to relax and have a good time, without any pressure or commitment.
I felt like I was truly talking to Thor of Asgard, who had no concept of “our customs.” I guess he probably felt the same. I wish I could tell you we went back to mine and had hot sex. We didn’t. Suddenly his porn-bitch was talking back. And that was not part of the script. Oh and Asgard needed to be saved. Again.
Between you and me, I had planned to try and “make” my own personal sexual man-toy out of the raw materials at hand. It was either that, or head for Celibate-City. I failed. It’s ok. Maybe, just maybe, he will think twice before… or at least ask beforehand.
We all agree that sex is a lot of fun, and that anything consensual that makes it fun is fine. But what exactly is the POINT of a lot of these activities…? What does a man get out of, for example, cumming or spitting on a woman’s back? Isn’t it much more intense and pleasant to cum inside her whilst pleasuring her at the same time? When I was discovering my sexuality first time around, back in the 80s, men took pride in actually pleasuring you! It was about getting each other off. But now it seems like a lot of the time somehow I’m left out of all the fun. I felt like raising my hand and saying “Umm, hello, I am still here, can I have some stimulation too? Other than the visual eye candy of a man frantically wanking himself off, right in front of me??”
Call me an intellectual, but my brain needs feeding too. And not with reruns of “facefuck III”.
If you enjoyed that guest blog, you can see more of her writing at BritBitchBerlin or follow her on Twitter or Facebook. But in the meantime I’d be curious to know what you think of the above story. I think it’s a classic example of two people wanting very different things, but not realising just how different those things are until they have this conversation. I wonder if a lot of what we think is selfishness is often just a symptom of incompatible desires. If you’re a guy and you have time, I’d also love to know the answer to the question “what do you get out of cumming and/or spitting on a woman’s back?” – because, you know, I think I can guess but it would be lovely if you could explain it in a bit of detail for my personal research.*
*wanking
29 Comments
Oh man! I enjoyed this, thor(oughly)! I had a somewhat similar situation about a year ago, and when I suggested we could have a certain level of intimacy and do things together outside of sexy times (I didn’t use those 2 words, don’t fret) without commitment and exclusivity, he totally agreed. In fact, he said I didn’t have to be exclusive, but that he would be. And then he slowly stopped contacting me, or replying to any of my communications.
He married his “best friend” about 3 months after we stopped seeing each other.
Ooh, a survey! ;-)
“what do you get out of cumming and/or spitting on a woman’s back?”
I’ve never spit on a woman, but it’s on my ‘things to try’ list if I hook up with someone who’s into it. Although I was thinking face rather than back. File that one under humiliation/degradation games… for which, I’m assuming you won’t be needing a detailed explanation of my motivations. :-p
Cumming on a woman; multiple answers. Firstly, same answer as above although considered more acceptable than spitting (I would say). Secondly, “it’s what they do in porn”, which I think feeds back into it being something some men find visually hot (self included). Thirdly (and again, this is just my personal opinion, I can’t speak for all mankind), the final stretch of reaching an orgasm from a wank without a condom is actually a physically nicer set of sensations, at least locally speaking, than the final stretch of reaching an orgasm from fucking with a condom. Condoms really do fuck up sensation, for me at least, to the point that I’m occasionally undecided on whether I even want to bother to fuck if it requires using one (which, obviously, it always does with anyone except long-term partners after discussion and agreement etc etc). Fucking often wins for a number of other reasons, but the quality of the actual sensations is not necessarily in its favour. Taking off the condom and finishing off by hand might improve matters in that respect, although I have to admit I’ve never tried it.
So, in summary: “isn’t it much more intense and pleasant to cum inside her …” – no. Sorry. Condoms are crap. (IMHO, YMMV, HAND)
I stress again that this is not an excuse for not using them – it’s just a factor that could feed into deciding whether you want to do things that will require them. Thor’s attemps to fuck BBB without using them are Not Cool.
Relatedly; I often wonder if the female condom interferes with sensation for women in any way resembling what the male one does for men… I’ve never spoken to anyone (male or female) who’s tried using them. *hijacks comment thread in hope of answers*
Oh, one other thing: “I felt like raising my hand and saying “Umm, hello, I am still here, can I have some stimulation too?”” – please do! I’ve had women ask to be got off after quickies, or if they require stimulation different from that given by fucking, and it’s always good to be asked (or guided in the appropriate direction). If the guy is finishing himself off by hand, there’s no reason the woman can’t do the same herself simultaneously, or request the same attention from him once he’s finished.
Of course, that would require communication. ;-)
Excellent! Thank you so much! This is all excellent info, which I shall study in detail when I’m not in the pub =)
If she actually worded it like that, I’m not surprised it was an unsuccessful conversation. Obviously communication of one’s needs, desires, feelings etc. is important and good. But rattling off two paragraph of demands to a young man? That’s never going to go down well.
I don’t think she worded it exactly like that, but it’s funnier in a blog post while still getting the point across =)
ahh, thanks for the insights…ok I def. get the “being free of a condom for the last bit” thing…
But asking a guy to get you off right after he came all over you is probably not such a popular move, or is it? But good idea with getting myself off at the same time… ahhh yes, communication… : )
“asking a guy to get you off right after he came all over you is probably not such a popular move, or is it?”
Seems perfectly reasonable to me. I might want to catch my breath first, but on the whole I’m in favour of happy endings for all.
If you phrase it such that it seems like you enjoyed being covered in cum so much that you want an orgasm yourself, Right Now, then it could even work as a continuation rather than an afterthought. :-)
“But asking a guy to get you off right after he came all over you is probably not such a popular move, or is it”
No.
Give, like, 200 seconds.
Ugh. “Give me.” And that’s not an absolute either, cum to think of it (…oh, right, I’m at the office D;)
It’s why I usually start by saying “how do you want it?” or “guide me, please”, while having sex, as it allows me to get her off easier. For me, nothing is better than a pulsating vulva around my cock. This feeling as you feel that blood pumping, the contractions….
Christ, made me hard thinking about it…
1. Condoms are Crap – A necessary evil perhaps, but enough to make me commit to medium term monogamy.
2. Ladies first. It is not just because I am old fashioned, perhaps more because I am older than I used to be. Pleasuring the Lady has always been my main motive during sex and now there is a practical reason. She will probably enjoy two or three orgasms to my one, so lets come together on her last and my first.
3.Spitting on your back. Does absolutely nothing for me – but readers of this Blog should know by now that Sexual Taste comes in 7.2billion flavors (and counting). What makes life so wonderfully stimulating is searching for a compatible match.
Mr Archer – I think that’s a great way to do it. And I’m quite a big fan of asking for direction, especially during things like blow jobs, where I have little idea of how something’s going to feel for you, so I like to hear exactly how you want it. Plus, that kind of ‘oh God I ‘d love it if you could do *this*’ is super-hot in itself.
The ‘condoms are crap’ comments – I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit recently. I was never a fan of condoms, and used to get really frustrated by using them (although always did for new partners etc, obviously). However, since I had to come off seemingly the *only* contraceptive pill that didn’t turn me into a terrifying, sobbing, mess of a human, I feel a bit differently about them. Long story short: I either have to use them, or I have to take hormones that really fuck up my personality. I know not everyone has this with the pill, but I do.
Given that, the loss of sensation is still a bummer, but it is essentially a trade-off between slightly less sensation or me having irregular emotional breakdowns. I’m looking into non-hormonal shit (like the coil) but for the meantime, condoms are my best friend. And yes, whipping them off at the end and coming on my tits is a pretty fun thing for you to do. My personal favourite is the crack of my arse, because I can feel the head of his dick twitching as he pumps spunk directly at my skin. Now I’m off for a lie down =)
For the record GOTN, the coil is amazing. If you’re anything like me and enjoy a bit of pain, post orgasm contractions around the coil feel like another orgasm itself and also having it knocked at all during sex is also a nice bit of pain. You can, however, have the strings cut to stop it if you’re not into that. In any case I couldn’t have the injection or the pill for a few different reasons and wanted to be hormone free rather than bloated and an emotional roller coaster. So the non hormone coil is how I’ve traversed that path. And I wouldn’t go back.. My sex life and libido and orgasms are so much more intense.
He came on my back once, when he was being unusally ‘dirty’ for him. The sweat we had worked up had cooled my skin, and the hot splash of his cum seared my back, making me need to frenetically wank myself off as the jizz ran in rivers of lava down my spine. I imagine hot wax could feel the same.
Condoms are kind of unpleasant, but if you have any kind of erection issues they can be straight-up unmanageable. One of the things it’s much easier to be snotty and dismissive than to actually consider, it seems. >.>
Also, most condom information sites do not explain the extra steps involved in putting them on an intact penis correctly: unroll about halfway down with the foreskin pulled back, pull foreskin and condom together up over the head, resume unrolling if you have one where the condom isn’t now stuck to the ring and requiring heroic measures to do so, which the “ultra-thin” kinds seem to tend to. >.>
I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone being snotty and dismissive about condom/erection issues, but it’s a pretty tough call. It is, essentially, a dealbreaker if I’m sleeping with someone for the first time. If I have alternative contraception, then I’m more than happy to do other things with the guy (mutual masturbation and delicious frotting) until he can get to a clinic and show me a clean test, but erection issues wouldn’t make me go “oh, hey, I understand – totally fine not to use a condom” because health is still vital, innit.
And regarding getting condoms on: I’ve had a lot of practise, but I still struggle to do it well with my partner, because his dick is pretty thick. I don’t like to be as rough with it as he is, so I find it much easier and quicker to let him get it on. To be honest, though, although it’s not always ideal to use one, I find something quite hot about the sound of the condom packet rustling: a Pavlovian sex-response, probably =)
That’s not unreasonable, no. There are other mainly-female-bodied people on the internet who are genuinely spiteful about any claims that condoms are ever less than 100% wonderful and uncomplicated, though I don’t keep a stack of links handy. >.>
seriously, guys, I think someone should come up with a crowd-sourcing project to invent “air condoms” invisible force fields dolby-surround-style. Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed giving a condom-blow-job once, teasing the guy, not allowing him to take it off till the last succulent potent minute….any one ever tried a female condom? I wonder if that makes the whole deal more fun for the guy?
Well, not an ‘air condom’ as such, but there are people looking into the possibility of a graphene condom: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-25016994 A very thin, very strong material.
I haven’t used a female condom before, but might give it a test for research =)
I’m going to second (or third, or whatever) the ‘Condoms are Terrible’ motion. Now, color me a cheat, because I’m a 19 year old who only ever had the one girl, and I’m lucky enough that she’s clean and uses the implant, but I just can not use them. I lose my hardness within minutes, which isn’t normally a problem.
As for the spitting… well, I’ve never actually done that so I couldn’t possibly comment.
Cumming on her back, however… like cumming anywhere sexy and visible, it’s really really good! It’s a way of marking her and covering her that is easily visible. Plus it makes her like she is basically in heat, if she wasn’t already like that! She gets so turned on that I’m pretty much promised a second, third, fourth round. Whatever.
My favourite place to cum is right between her legs. It’s so close to, but radically different from in her vagina. It’s funny, I first discovered how much I liked it because I slipped out whilst we were doing it against the door. She gasped massively as she felt it pour down her legs and her face got so hot!
I personally enjoy finishing her after she’s done me. Especially when we’ve been doing cowgirl and she just clambers over my body and forces herself into my face.. It’s probably not for most guys, but I find the proximity to her entrance, clearly soaked with a tasty layer of our pleasure juices, to be deeply erotic.
Hell, I just love it when her whole body writhes and pulses because she */requires/* my stimulation of her so that she can resume her normal function.
:3 ~<3
Sex is something that usually brings a relationship together so commitment is needed
Thank you for condesplaining that. Did it occur to you that maybe other people might have experiences or perspectives that could be relevant and might be worth reading before flopping your “Conventional Wisdom Knows Best” out on the table?
My pount of view: I’ve used female condoms several times with several guys and I like them a lot. I like them because you can put them in before you actually start, so no waiting while you are really really ready to go. I also prefer it if he puts it in, because his fingers are longer and he can get in deeper just because of how he is seated in front of my vagina. It is not hard to work that into the foreplay bit. I don’t feel the difference between using a female condom or no condom, but that might just be me.
Male point of view; I got very mixed reviews from different guys; some just can’t get over the idea of ‘fucking a plastic bag’. While others really do prefer it over the male condom (they do miss out on me getting wet. The lube that is in there apparently isn’t the same. Or at least, it doesn’t get wetter). The guy who liked it became a long term partner, so we ended up using female condoms during my period (no chunky bits ;-)) and just the pill during the rest of the month.
Practical point of view; they are more expensive and harder to come by. Also, once I really get into the sex, I no longer feel the female condom and I was scared that we were fucking next to the condom. But with the long term guy we actually tried doing that (it didn’t matter anyway), and it that was very impossible. So no problem there.
Hey, thanks for the feedback – sounds like they’re worth a try! :-)
Seconded! I might have to give them a go now!
Totally agree with you re: female condoms. I could never put one in (prob because I was always lashed – I was in my 20s). I found guys hated them too for the ‘plastic bag’ reasons. They seem to hate condoms less; I have to say I like condoms, though. a) If a guy’s got supplies it shows he has respect for himself, and you. b) The smell makes me think about sex. ***Cue Pavlovian slobbering***
PS Love this post. I frequently find that many younger guys (mid-late 20s) have an ‘it’s all about me’ mindset.
When I was that age, AND having sex with guys my age, they seemed much more adept and eager to please. I think though that it has a lot to do with the fact that the ‘cougar’ stereotype means they expect the chick to take the lead.
If you’re communicating your needs and they’re not listening, however, that’s a whole different story.
Not just men in their 20s by any means… men in their 40s sometimes think they’re exempt from using condoms and given we’ve had 20 years of HIV warnings I don’t have the patience to explain why it’s not on not to use a condom.
Or doing anything towards their partner’s pleasure. Have recently finished a brief relationship with a man who only came via PIV (I don’t), quickly, no foreplay, say ‘oh dear I do feel guilty that you don’t seem to have enjoyed it as much as I did, dear’ then roll over and go to sleep. It was like a 1950s marriage. Conversations about it didn’t make any difference, he didn’t want to learn how to get me off, so that was it. Why would anyone, male or female, put up with endless boring, selfish sex whether in a relationship or a casual thing – esp any woman who’s experienced enough to know better and who can walk away.
Exactly my thinking! ; )