Girl on the Net

I’m a big fan of penetrative sex: it’s not the only way to fuck, but it is my favourite. I understand that some people don’t want their partner to ejaculate too quickly during penetration – they want their ‘turn’ to come before any jizzing occurs. The notion of the ‘two-pump chump‘, while shamey and horrible-sounding, does nevertheless express something that’s important for some people, and I don’t want to imply that their desires here are invalid. Nor do I want to invalidate your desires if you find yourself coming really quickly during sex and desperately wishing you could last a little longer. If you’re shagging me, though? Please don’t ever worry about ‘premature ejaculation’ on my account. Two pumps is fine. Even just one, to be honest. One of the hottest things you can ever do is spunk uncontrollably into my cunt.

Here’s the thing: I know that the speed with which you come doesn’t directly correlate with my own level of hotness or how much you want me. I understand that your stamina in bed is not reflective of how awesome my tits are, how much you love my dirty talk or how nicely I squeezed your cock when it was buried deep inside me.

BUT (and it’s a big ‘but’ here – so large you could project it onto the moon) that’s exactly how it feels.

My rational brain understands that ‘premature ejaculation’ (scare quotes because I want to ask ‘premature for WHO exactly?’) can happen for a variety of reasons. You might come quickly because you’ve got yourself worked up earlier in the day, watching loads of porn that has nothing to do with me. Or because you were already close to the edge thanks to a fun pre-fuck blow job. It might be because you’ve just completed No Nut November and you’re essentially sitting atop a jizz-based Mount Vesuvius. Maybe, as we’re fucking, you’re thinking of someone other than me – someone whose very presence in your consciousness causes instant involuntary spaffing. My rational brain knows that speed of ejaculation is rarely directly correlated with my own hotness, but my lizard brain has a very different take.

My lizard brain tells me:

YoU’Re So HOt He CaNnoT coNtAIn HiS JiZz. YoU mUSt Be tHe GodDEss Of FuCk.

So yeah, please: spunk uncontrollably into my cunt.

SpUnK mEaNs I’m So GoOd

I get that this is problematic. The other side of this coin is that if you take ages to come (or can’t come at all) then my lizard brain says YoU ArE uGlY aNd TeRrIbLe aT sEx. When it happens that way round, though, that’s my problem to solve: I have to remind myself that there are loads of reasons someone may not be able to reach climax, and either up my game or chill the fuck out to prevent myself from curling up and weeping in a corner.

When you come ‘too’ quickly though? I don’t need to suppress that part of my lizard brain, I can let her run rampant. And as she skitters round my head on a self-congratulatory spree crowing “sO MuCh JIzz! VeRy QuICklY! SEx QuEen GoAls!” I’m also etching the memory of your hair-trigger cum-squirt into stone tablets that I can store in my wank bank. The sex might be over more quickly than the post-ad idents on an episode of Taskmaster, but I’ll be masturbating over the memory of your uncontrollable spunking long after they’ve aired an actual Champion of Champion of Champions episode in roughly twelve seasons’ time.

If you’d like to imagine how hot it is when you insta-spaff in my cunt, just consider how you’d feel if I begged you for the dick, and as you slid it in on the very first stroke, I immediately let out a guttural, satisfied moan then came tight and hard around your cock. It’s hot, right? So fucking hot.

As I said at the start, I know some people get upset by rapid coming, and many are actively mean about it (which is, as mentioned, not cool), but alongside these people there are others like me who are actively turned on by an orgasm that implies you literally could not contain yourself. In fact, I know there’s at least one other like me, because my good pal Jess and I frequently exchange hot stories about lovers who have done exactly this. Often in a kind of bragging tone, because we know each other well enough to usher our lizard brains into the conversation:

Me: How was the sex?

Her: He CaMe So qUicKly.

Me: UnnGh hOw QuIcKly.

Her: LiKE lEss tHaN 3 MinuTes It WaS sO hOt. 

Spunk uncontrollably into my cunt

Jump cut to a random evening recently. After a chilled, giggly, happy picnic, with a hot guy, and some disgracefully sexy park makeouts during which he pulled me onto his lap with his big strong arms and snogged the fuck out of me (unngh), we went back to my place so I could usher him to my sofa and get to work on sucking his fabulous cock.

I was kneeling between his legs and having a great time in my happiest of comfort zones: face firmly buried in his crotch. Lots of spit, occasional deep throat, hands and fingers brought into play on an on/off basis to keep him on the edge, and all the other kickass stuff that it’s fun to do to a dick. I’d have been more than happy doing this for the rest of the evening, and certainly happy enough for him to hair-trigger spaff down my throat at any point, because few things in life say ‘great BJ’ better than a warm shot of spunk.

I aM sO GoOd At SuCkInG dIcK. 

As I built him to a peak, then back down again, then up again, then back down, I was enjoying the process of toying with his horn, but at the same time I was extremely keen for the spunk. In that moment I could only see two ways this might end: with him coming in my mouth (LOVELY), or with me getting too horny to finish him off like that, and instead asking him “please will you put it in me?”

Instead, though, he took matters into his own hands. Told me something along the lines of ‘I want to fuck you now’ and grabbed a condom. As I was getting up off my knees ready to transition to getting fucked, he practically bodyslammed me onto the sofa (YES), shoved my legs apart (PLEASE), plunged inside (GOD) and railed me so swiftly and brutally that I barely had time to gasp the word ‘thank you’ before his cock started twitching with cum (UNNGHFFGHFFFUCK).

It wasn’t quite two pumps, but it was certainly less than two minutes, and it definitely falls into the ‘spunk uncontrollably into my cunt’ category of fucking. i.e. THE BEST ONE.

Friends, I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I was. Absurdly, sublimely, radiantly grateful. Even more so when he told me afterwards, in a semi-apologetic manner, that “I just really wanted to finish inside you.”

So far beyond hot it’s borderline dangerous: someone please call the fire brigade, I have burst into fucking flames.

Spunk uncontrollably into premature ejaculation shame

As I said at the start, I know some people are quite shamey about this kind of thing. And I fully understand why it may not be ideal for you, especially if you’re someone who comes really quickly during all kinds of sex, or someone whose partner does this so often that you don’t get as much time as you’d like doing the fun in-and-out stuff. But for me personally, someone spunking uncontrollably into my cunt is almost always a powerfully sexy thing.

The only exception I can think of was when I a partner developed a temporary health problem that caused a bit of ‘premature ejaculation’. In the genuine sense of the phrase, I think: he came before he even really felt like he was climaxing. We had a few fucks where I was revelling in the joy of it (lizard brain says SeX gOdDeSs even when that isn’t the case, after all) but he soon became troubled by the fact that his body wasn’t doing what he expected. Those times sucked, because they were harshing his buzz, and eventually my lizard brain shut up and I realised rational brain should get me to join him in the Vale of Sadness about it, and commiserate/be understanding until such time as he’d spoken to a doctor and got his health back into a better place. Which he did. Don’t worry. Happy ending: the doctor helped him get his mojo back.

But all the other times someone has spunked uncontrollably into my cunt? Oh my GOD yes.

Yes times a million. Yes beyond measure. Yes to the ends of the Earth and then back again, wading up to my neck in oceans of hair-trigger jizz.

It’s not just spunking uncontrollably into my cunt either. There are plenty of other scenarios in which so-called ‘premature ejaculation’ flips that lizard-brain switch and makes me powerfully horny too. Including (but not limited to):

• Coming in my ass within a few strokes, or even better: coming in my ass when you’ve only just got the tip in.
• Blowing in my mouth when I’m just getting started.
• Saying ‘oh fuck fuck fuck sorry’ when I’m giving you a hand job then shooting ropes all up my wrist and arm (has never happened to me, but it happened to a friend of mine when I was younger so I have shamelessly stolen the fantasy).
• Rubbing yourself against me while we’re making out and then coming in your fucking pants. UNNGH.

And perhaps it’s counterproductive of me to highlight how absurdly sexy all these things are, because inevitably, like most things on my Kink List, these acts are even hotter when accompanied by a shamefaced apology. Like ‘sorry I came so quickly, I just couldn’t help myself.’

CoUlDn’T hElP HiMsElF, i aM FuCkLuST pErSoNiFiED.

How to prevent premature ejaculation (if you must)

There is very little point to this blog post other than to provide a horny counternarrative to the idea that ‘premature ejaculation’ is anything to be ashamed of, or indeed that it’s always something you should regret. If coming too quickly bothers you, and you’d like to try and increase your pre-spaff fucktime, then by all means have a go at some of the following:

• wearing thicker condoms (usually marked ‘extra safe’). You can also get condoms with desensitising lube although I’ve never tried these so this isn’t a personal recommendation.
• masturbating with penetrative sex toys to get you used to sensations that more closely resemble penetrative sex, and might help you get used to the feeling and thus last longer. The Fleshlight ‘Stamina Training Unit’ is apparently designed for this. I can attest to it being great and making people spaff.
• masturbating with ‘training’ toys specifically designed to help you learn to last longer. The MyHixel is one of these, and it comes with an app to help you test yourself and measure progress.
• pausing regularly during sex when you feel like you’re getting to the edge of climax.
• giving yourself a mental challenge designed to put you off your sex game. For instance, remembering as many digits as possible of Pi, or trying to imagine what Kier Starmer would be like as Labour leader if he had any actual principles.
• enlisting your partner to surprise you out of coming by squirting you in the face with a water pistol.

But honestly, for me, I am more than happy to embrace any sprint-finish spunking. As long as I get the occasional opportunity to come nice and hard around a cock (a treat that I wholeheartedly enjoy, but do not 100% require in order to declare sex ‘amazing’), I’m happy.

And in the meantime? You guessed it: please spunk uncontrollably into my cunt.

The post above contains a few affiliate/sponsor links, and if you buy through those you help keep my site running. You can also help keep the site running by supporting me on Patreon. And because I’m way more efficient at sending out merch if I can batch it all into one big go, I’ll do one of those ‘offer’ things. From now until the end of July 2023, if you purchase an annual subscription on Patreon, I’ll send you a set of stickers that includes this ‘Live, Laugh, Love, Spunk Uncontrollably Into My Cunt’ one (plus loads of others), and one of these cool postcards with a design by SheVibe.

An annual sub at the lowest tier is £24/$24 per year, but I’ve just set it so Patreon gives you the max possible discount for an annual subscription (16%), so it works out at around £20/$20. You’ll get previews of new audio porn, plus you’ll immediately have access to a whole bunch of extra kickass content including an interview with Jess (mentioned above) where we get horny and talk about some of our sexiest experiences, a Sex Quiz I hosted to test my parents‘ knowledge of kink and depravity, and loads of improv erotica that hasn’t been published anywhere else. Also you get the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing you’re effectively a porn producer – helping me and an incredible team of guest writers spaff more delightful aural smut into the world.