Oh hey team, sorry to bother you. Quick question. Won’t take long. Just wanna sense-check something based on my own patterns of behaviour and whether or not they could be considered ‘normal’. Tell me: when should I stop masturbating over my ex?
Obviously I’m assuming here that everyone masturbates over their ex for some unspecified period of time after they’ve broken up. I’m assuming that’s… quite normal? But I broke up with mine in the middle of 2020, and stopped fucking him around June 2021.
(Lol… ‘around’… I could tell you the exact date, I’m just playing cool here)
But I still masturbate over him. Frequently. When should I stop?
What is the average healthy time after a break-up during which it’s still appropriate to conjure the way they used to call you ‘good girl’ if you clenched your cunt at juuuust the right moment? At what point does it become unhealthy to use their line ‘if you don’t hold that position and I can’t come, I’m gonna beat you so hard’ as your Thursday-night-masturbation cum trigger? Are we talking weeks or months here? Am I allowed to do it for… years?
No, no you’re right. It’s definitely not years. So I’ve probably gotta knock it on the head within the next few months or so. Before the 12th of June, at any rate.
This is genuinely the most embarrassing thing I think I’ve ever written. And I’m the girl who told you she couldn’t fuck a hot guy because she’d got chewing gum in her pubes. I’m telling you that around twenty per cent of the wanks I have not just feature but star my ex-boyfriend.
I’ve been trying quite hard not to write about him, of course. It’d be mad for me to just fill these pages with all the memories I still ache with but hadn’t got round to capturing here on the blog. And there’s a giant part of me that actually wants to hurl myself into the sea at the idea that my friends – some of whom still talk to him – might read this post and get a glimpse into the gaping black hole of my shame.
But I think it might be worth it if I can get a read from you lot on just how ‘abnormal’ this might be.
AM I NORMAL
People write in to me at the blog all the time, with questions that boil down to ‘am I normal?’
‘GOTN, perhaps you can help me,’ they write, optimistically, ‘I like to pretend I’m asleep sometimes when my boyfriend fucks me – am I normal?’ and I sigh with relief and go ‘oh God yeah, my friend. I love to do that too. It’s fine.’ Others ask me if it’s normal to enjoy the smell of their own junk or pluck dark hairs from the skin of their neck because they have PCOS, or masturbate to the idea of getting double-teamed by Tyrion and Bronn off Game of Thrones, and I’m delighted that I can respond with: ‘welcome, take a seat. Make yourself at home, you absolutely normal fuckin pervert.’
So it’s my turn, people! Tell me I’m normal. I still masturbate to my ex boyfriend. A lot. Please tell me I’m normal.
There are two important things to note here, I think. Things which – although I may be in the minority in terms of how frequently and how vigorously I rub one out over my ex – might count as mitigating factors in just how batshit that makes me as a person. The first is that I genuinely do think my sex drive works in a weirdly monogamous way. Not that I want to go back to monogamy any time soon: I’m having a lot of fun being single. But I think when I fall for someone, they become so utterly the focus of my sexuality that I struggle to get horny for anyone else. It’s not 100%, for sure, because I’ve done group stuff and I’ve cheated, but when I’m in love, my horn is mostly for that person. My cunt responds to the clarion call of a single godforsaken dick.
So when we break up it is quite the shock to my system. The thick vines of my eager, cloying horn have wrapped so thoroughly around the idea of this person that it takes a long time to rip them from the soil of my brain. They’re embedded there. Attached. So although a lot of my wanking is steadfastly focused on anonymous fuck scenes featuring one woman and between five and twenty aggressively horny men, there’s still a significant portion of it that’s based on memories of things that have actually happened in my life. Like my ex-boyfriend asking me ‘d’you want my fucking cum now?’ in a variety of locations including (but absolutely NOT limited to): bent over his kitchen counter, bent over in front of the mirror in his living room, and bent over the arm of his old sofa – the sofa that launched a thousand fucks.
So there’s that. I think my cunt just works that way. I remember the same thing happening when I broke up with my previous ex. I can’t remember when I stopped wanking over him this frequently, but I do remember having to spend a long time trying to nudge my brain towards ‘random new scenario’ and away from ‘throwaway line in a horny email he sent me in which he told me he’d spunked all over himself while thinking about digging his fingernails into my tits.’ God bless that man, the gloriously disgusting fuck.
My job is extremely not normal
The second thing that’s worth noting is that I don’t have quite the distance from my ex that many others are lucky enough to get. By which I mean ‘I still record stories about the shags I had with my ex boyfriend and publish them as audio porn for internet strangers to get off to.’ In fact, it’s probably safe to say that you lot will be masturbating over my ex boyfriend for even longer than I will. The fact of my job means I’m constantly confronted by the absolutely delightful things my ex used to do to me, and the ways in which he made both my heart and my cunt gush in torrents. So it is understandable, I hope, that I’m taking longer than average to nudge the horny thoughts of him out of my fucked-up head.
But even so. Is it normal to still be wanking about him this often? I’m down from about fifty percent to twenty, so I’m clearly showing moderate improvement. Twenty per cent’s still a lot though. I wank about twice a day, so it’s every five days minimum. When should you stop wanking about your ex?
I don’t think my ex will see this blog post, but I’m taking a wild gamble that if he knew it existed he’d be relatively flattered. Or something. I don’t think he’d be angry or upset. He, after all, has custody of all the nudes and videos we took when we were together – something I’m not too pleased about if I let myself think on it for more than ten seconds so let’s move on quickly. I don’t think my ex is the kind of dude who, on hearing ‘your ex-girlfriend still rubs herself off to the memory of that time you fucked her so hard you gave her a nosebleed, then grabbed a fistful of her hair and turned her face towards you so you could berate her for being a grubby little slut’ would think ‘oh no! The horror! What a bitch!’ But maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know him any more. His life and his opinions are absolutely none of my fucking business. So that’s a bit of a worry, when I consider hitting that tempting button on the right which says ‘publish, you freakshow slag.’
I think he’d be pleased. I hope he wouldn’t be sad. I hope whenever he looks at those photos he treats them with precious reverence and never shows them to anyone else please. I hope he also knows I fully understand the irony of my having the audacity to say this explicitly, given how much of our mutual dirty laundry he’s allowed me to use as the foundation of my career. I’m very grateful and very sorry and very much an absolute mess.
When should I stop masturbating over my ex?
I used to pride myself on honesty, and people say honesty’s what they want from me. But I got to know too many people through the blog, and too many people started to know about me, so the warts-and-all candour I used to pride myself on has been dampened and hidden because too many of the people reading are now entangled in my life. So I umm and err and prevaricate, sifting through posts that may have an effect – I know not what kind – on men I am now fucking who I barely fucking know.
I have reams and reams of drafts piling up beneath the cum-drenched mattress that is This Fucking Blog, and every single one of them is borderline. Borderline good, borderline bad, borderline ‘OK to say but some guy might think it’s about him even if it’s not?’. Borderline ‘if I write this piece about him, will someone else be annoyed because I haven’t said similar about them?‘ They’re all borderline. By which I mean I’ve lost confidence in my judgment. I’ve no idea what the fuck I’m doing and how honest I should be and these new men are so lovely but I cannot read their minds and so writing about them feels extremely high stakes.
Besides, despite my absolute best efforts (and occasional successes), other men barely get a look-in when I’m wanking because my stupid monogamous cunt can’t unclench from This Guy.
So why not let a little honesty out again, eh? See if it lands with a crunch or a stylish dismount.
When I started this blog, nothing mattered, because almost no one was reading. Let’s pretend that the same is true today. It’s just you, and me, and some guy from Atlanta who dropped by when googling ‘anal.’ Come closer, you merry few, and join me in the sharing circle which definitely won’t include any of the men I’ve ever fucked, or ones I might fuck in the near future.
Comfy? OK good. Now riddle me this:
Am I normal? Am I OK? When should I stop masturbating over my ex?
21 Comments
I still yank it out to a threesome I had back in 2010. Had others since then. But that one was just delicious, in so many ways. The Wank Bank has no statute of limitations, deposits are safe under the Horn Protection Scheme.
I think it’s normal. And the dreams take even longer. I still sometimes have my Big Ex in the “boyfriend” slot of a dream, more than 10 years later, although that’s extremely rare these days thank god.
And i sympathise with the difficult position you’re in. the personal is professional, the professional is personal – i don’t envy you that! but for what it’s worth, I’ve long admired your good judgment in how you navigate and communicate those boundaries. i hope you can trust yourself too.
I’d say it’s normal. I don’t masturbate over my ex because the good sex we had was so few and far between and all the mindgames way outnumbered the good, so there’s nothing there for me. But I do think about a woman I slept with last year, and that warrants a crack every now and then. When a relationship lasts so long, as you say, it’s really hard to disentangle everything. Sometimes the word “mega” makes me think of my ex because she said it a lot, and your sex drive is far more entwined in who you are than one word. Don’t overthink it too much, just enjoy those good feelings for what they are.
When you’re no longer aroused by the thought of your ex.
That was a sneaky tech trick, having the story edit itself depending on the location of the reader. I’m from Atlanta, so it worked and prompted me to share my opinion. I agree with Tech Reader, you’ve got little say in the matter just go with it until your brain has something or someone else to replace it with.
My mind strays to outlandishly impossible scenarios involving people that would be horrified by the thought OR to the very real memories of my ex. The way her bum felt in my hands or the way she’d cry out with wonderful abandon before throwing her sucker toy aside, calling it the devil because it made he feel like she was cheating on me, even though I was inside her at the time.
“That was a sneaky tech trick, having the story edit itself depending on the location of the reader.”
Thank you, I am extremely good at computers! ;-)
Also thank you for sharing. I am cheered by these comments and I will stop worrying about my ex-cessive wank fantasies!
Yep, normal. Been away from my ex for 10 years and still wank over him, cunt ache and heart ache. I’ll stop when I don’t want to anymore!
Completely normal.
I still think about a stolen moment with my soul mate, who has now passed away. (Not the only way I remember her, but we had one point in time where everything was perfect, but as both were in relationships, that’s all it could ever be.)
I sometimes have similar thoughts to you on this, so I’ve found myself thinking about it this evening after reading this post earlier.
No idea if it’s the same for you obviously, but for me I’ve realised it’s the thing, not the person, that I’m fantasising about.
There are things that my ex did or said that were a massive turn on for me, that since I’ve moved on from that person I don’t experience anymore, because the people I’ve been with since do or say things differently. I may very well get other great things from other people that I never got from the ex, but I will sometimes remember the things I’m no longer getting, and they will turn me on, and will be the basis for a good wank.
Those things are intrinsically linked to the person that did them with me, so inevitably that person becomes associated with the fantasy or wank. But the wank is definitely more motivated by the thing itself. It could be anyone saying or doing them, but my brain automatically associates the person that did them with me for years without me doing it consciously.
For this reason I’m fine with having these fantasies. Just because I am with a person that doesn’t like x or never says y that doesn’t mean I can no longer be turned on by those things or that I should feel bad about it. It’s just filling a gap.
Obviously you have your own feelings on this and so none of this may apply to you, but I hope this makes some sense as it’s late now and I’ve not had much sleep for a while, so sorry if any of this appears to be complete bollocks or totally misses your point!
Anyway this is another great post, thanks for sharing it and for getting me to think about it, as it has helped me to understand myself a little bit more.
“Am I normal? Am I OK? When should I stop masturbating over my ex?”
yup.
yup.
when you stop feeling inspired to do so. i’m not sure that “should” is a word that should be applied to the wank bank, though.
Normal. When you forget to do so at some indefinite time in the future that will be normal also. Neither should have you feeling bad about yourself. blessed be.
Thank you fuzzy! <3
I agree that masturbating to memories of consenting activities between you and an ex is absolutely OK. What about masturbating to thoughts of them in general, or even to photos they post of themselves on social media post-breakup?
Is this OK? I admit, I’ve done this, and don’t feel altogether OK about it.
Hmm… I guess it depends on the photos and the person to be honest. You’ll probably have a good idea of whether that’s something they’d be comfortable with. I have a lot of friends who are sex bloggers/who work in the sex industry and for whom I suspect ‘my ex still wanks about my photos’ would be considered a pretty standard thing, but there will definitely be people for whom this would be uncomfortable.
To be honest I think when it comes to the flat-out *ethics* of this, I think it’s always going to be OK to masturbate to your own thoughts, because while they’re in your head they’re not affecting other people. But when they spill into the world, that’s when you need to take note of potential harm caused to others.
GOTN, I would say it’s perfectly normal, and do it until it doesn’t do anything for you. That said, I’m a bit off about this. I try not to imagine being with people I know because for some odd reason, I feel like it’s using them. (In no way am I implying there is anything wrong with what you are doing.) My reticence comes more from the spiritual, interconnected part of things and the thinking that I should honor the memory of friends.
As a current example: I’ve got a friend whom I love; she lives quite a distance from me, and we are close in ways my current partner is unable to be. For one, she (the friend) doesn’t think intimacy and talking about things is a weakness. Do I fancy this woman? Yes, but I really try to avoid including her in my fantasies. Again, it’s just me and the whole idea that even thought moves the world.
But nope, I don’t think it’s a problem as long as you aren’t feeding some dependency. Have fun!
I totally understand your point Sean, and I get why this isn’t for everyone! I think if there was someone I knew who I thought would be really hacked off with the idea of me wanking about them, I’d find that a bit iffy too. Like… knowing I was doing something someone didn’t want me to do? Yeah, it’d give me weird feelings and probably ruin the wank. I doubt anyone I’ve shagged who I still masturbate over would be particularly annoyed by it though. My worries are more along the lines of whether it’s just too obsessive/living-in-the-past of me to do it.
I think you’re probably fine. I still occasionally masturbate thinking about exes but, personally, it’s usually more about the experience I took part in (particularly if it was group stuff) than the person. Partly, I struggle to masturbate over specific people (even crushes) without some sense that they’d be into the idea – so it’s much more about reliving experiences in my head than it is creating new ideas about them.
I think you two had quite a adventurous, sexual and wild crazy type of sex life. That’s hard to replicate for sure. Strangely enough what I mostly masturbate to are 2 or 3 playboy TV centerfolds. Yep, totally straight woman here but something about these models turns me on like crazy. Sooo,, I will probably continue to masturbate to them until I’m tired of it. I think that’s the mindset you have to be in. eventually you’ll get tired of it and you’ll move on. We all have things to turn us on, Normal or not normal? Who cares if you are satisfied, you are totally normal
replay specific people reliving the experiences flash clip over and over loop stuck in my head what my eyes have seen right in front of my face some drunk others sober sometimes I have to fight to pull myself back to relaity to whats real wahts now what I can’t stop looking at seeing like it was yestarday or a few hours ago gone like last nights dream the sounds ringing in my ears I close my eyes all I see what was there long ago still fill my eyes the same as if it was playing out right in front of me 365days over 20+ years in the spankbank and thats just with one girlfriend I have others but she is my pornstar she fucked live right in front of me the same stud not me a real good friend of ours of hers I watched and jack it then I’m still watching replay jacking now all I got and a few pis of her of them no other gets me off other then her I don’t make up new just relive what I seen what I was part of and not part of
Considering that I still get off to memories or fantasies about any random fling, fuck, or ex that pops in my subconscious and pours out into my thoughts, I clearly don’t see any time limits or issue. Of course it’s very possible I’m the one who’s wrong, but it’s my mind so who’s being harmed? Whatever works for you.
Sometimes I still wank over a nice threesome I had more than 10 years ago, and over the first girl who wore a pair of hold-ups for me, some 25 years ago