Recently I listened to a Radio 4 Programme on Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies, and it was both fascinating and frustrating. Fascinating because the people interviewed were so forthright and eloquent about their relationships, and frustrating because the presenter seemed so knee-jerk horrified with the idea of a relationship that was up-front about finance and sex, that she didn’t really engage with what the interviewees were saying. I wanted to blog about it, but in this case I’d much rather publish someone’s real life experience than my own rambles.
So I was delighted when this guest blogger (she’d prefer to remain anonymous) got in touch with me, and mentioned that she’d heard the programme too. Here she explains what she gets out of being a sugar baby, and how she became a sex worker…
How I inadvertently became a sex worker
Okay, let me preface this with a fundamental fact about myself: I’m submissive. I don’t mean that I can’t stick up for myself, I mean that an intrinsic part of my sexuality is getting off on male desire. That sounds like a basic concept, surely we all do right? But it means that if my man wants to pin me down, slap my tits, use and abuse me then the more so the better. Nothing satisfies me sexually more than being a good girl.
And before you get worried about me, please don’t. I’m also a strong intelligent articulate woman who doesn’t suffer fools, nor do I sleep with everyone who wants me. In fact, quite the opposite; it’s hard to find someone whom I know stands a chance of satisfying me sexually. I need a dominant alpha male, and trying to find one who’s not a prick is a whole other article (young subs can suffer terribly before they identify what they need and how to spot it in potential mates).
So, I recently found myself single for the first time in a long time. All the usual things happened – men I was acquainted with asked me for my number, long term friends declared their undying love, and I was left feeling a little overwhelmed and disappointed in man(read: male)-kind.
And then my friend Dawn suggested I try a Sugar Daddy website. She had used one years before and said she had had a ton of fun and it’d helped her find the type of man she went for (she used uniform dating as well, clever girl!). My interest was definitely piqued.
Next thing a link to a podcast pops up in my twitter feed detailing one of these Sugar Daddy sites. It was actually a damning exposé on pseudo-prostitution, but I could read between the lines – A Sugar Daddy is an older, successful man who wants a young woman in his life for ‘fun and spoiling’. I signed up to it as I was listening to the article!
And boy was I not disappointed. Older alpha males poured into my inbox. It took a few days to really get going but I ended up using the site for about 7 days total before I had all I could ever want.
And what that was was a total of 4 men who wanted ‘arrangements’ with me who I was happy with.
Mark wants a meeting every Monday in a hotel 20 minutes from where I live for £200 a week. Dean wants me every Thursday (he’s an hours drive away). Richard wants me whenever I’m in London, and I’m yet to sort out money with him but I know he’ll spoil me if I ask him to. Finally there’s Jay who is kinky as fuck, a real Mr Grey who wants to do what he wants to me for £150 a week. He’s my favourite sexually. Mark I wouldn’t have sex with if he wasn’t paying me. Dean wants a relationship and I text him every day, and he spoils me so much; we agreed £250 a week but he’s always gone way over that.
I’ve not been doing this for long and at the moment it is very addictive. Being wanted and fulfilled sexually is liberating, and the money has changed my life – or rather not having to worry about money anymore has made my daily life so much better, like lifting a weight off my shoulders.
I am putting money away for a PhD and I have plenty of time and space to live my own life.
I’m not recommending it, I’m just trying to give a balanced view. If you’re going to try it yourself be prepared. Know in advance what you want to get out of it – money, a relationship, kink or vanilla, it’s all there if you want it. And be prepared for your first encounter. The first time I saw Dean naked I thought “I’m being paid for this” and it was not a nice feeling. But he’s such a lovely guy, it didn’t take me long to get my head around it – the money may have led me to sleep with someone I’d never have imagined sleeping with, but giving someone new a chance certainly broadens your horizons.
I saw a post on twitter where a woman said that being a sex worker makes her more available to men – if they can afford it they are in with more of a chance than if they were just some guy and she just some girl. I agree with this, but nevertheless I’m not about to actually tell anybody where my sudden financial stability has come from! Double standard, I know. :/
I’m not sure what the future holds. Right now I can’t imagine stopping doing this. I know that the site is there whenever I need it. In terms of real life relationships, it’s different for me because the normal guys I meet can’t do it for me sexually anyway. Having lots of friends means I’m not lonely, and emotionally I’m solid with or without being in a relationship. I am however getting very close to a female friend of mine (Kim) and if we start dating I can’t imagine I’ll tell her what I do. I predict some juggling there. But I find myself increasingly longing to curl up with her and play with her hair and show her love and affection. To take care of her…
But we shall see. I hope I can pull it all off without anybody getting hurt. My biggest worries are Dean finding out he’s not the only one and Kim finding out what I do.
I’m sure lots of you reading this will think the whole thing sounds crazy, but whatever I’ve done with my life there’s been people who have said that. If you’re thinking of getting out there and doing the same, get on seekingarrangement.com and make it work for you (I also tried SugarDaddy.com but just ended up with lots of old guys sending me pics of their penis). Just make sure you’re prepared. And make your peace with the fact that men are going to pay you for sex. It’ll certainly change your life.
23 Comments
this is i am sorry to say such a turn off.
it just high lights the worse in the female gender imo.
Assuming that any individual’s sexual choices should be personally tailored to you highlights the worst of you as a human, IMO.
I’m terribly sorry that this blog has failed to accommodate your every interest in its content. Might I suggest the merits that fucking off might have for both you and us?
=) I <3 this response.
Are you sure about that. Are all personal choices valid then? Its not just a sexual choice to consider, there are plenty of other elements here to think about: wealth, capitalism, power and how it effects society and other women and men too. Particularly since she claims she wouldn’t sleep with Mark if he didn’t pay her. She lies to her lover too. Perhaps she is desperate for money. Perhaps not. But that can still be a turn off. And suggesting that’s a turn off is as valid as saying its a turn on. Can’t we discuss what sexual things are a turn off? Why does that make you a terrible human being. I think different sexual views and opinions are interesting. As are moral debates about it. Telling someone to fuck off because they don’t get it seems counter productive to feminism and sort of mysandry if you thought the comment was sexist.
Hi klaire/saddad – see my reply to your other comment below, and have a look at this which may be of interest: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sockpuppet_(Internet)
Love this comment!!!! Also totally second it!
More power to you! I’m glad it’s going well for you. And if stupid men who can’t spell to save their lives are turned off by doing this, where do I sign up? Because I need the likes of you like a hole in the head.
I couldn’t agree more! Bloody delighted that the author has found something that works so well for her.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this – and wanted to keep it secret and not tell anyone about it isn’t really double standards, you can be comfortable in what you do and not need to broadcast it. It’s your personal professional life.
I hope it works out for you, as long as you’re safe and happy it isn’t really anyone else’s business. Hopefully though, if you do settle down with someone you’ll be comfortable in letting them know what you do, and they’ll be accepting of it (Hopefully); I think this part will be the hardest part, since you’ll find yourself spending a lot of time worrying about the other person finding out.
Good luck!
This is a valuable and interesting perspective, thank you.
One of the main problems I run into in a lot of mainstream writing about sex is that there’s an unconscious and intrinsic bias towards representing every issue in terms of what it means for men, visible in the writing of women almost as much as men. Women are acted upon rather than acting (objectification in its most literal form), hence most reportage about “sugar daddy” sites revolves around what men are doing, and what women are having done to them.
It’s nice to see an account where the perspective is reversed. Thank you for this.
I don’t and can’t imagine ever will work out what people’s problem is with sex work. You are making a decision for you, for what works for you and your life. The men involved are doing the same thing so what’s the issue? Having a great time with people you like with the added bonus of financial security it must be brilliant!!!! As for not telling people, no one has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t disclose about your life.
Always good to hear a positive story about the complexities in life, rather that the (ahem) usual black and white expetations of the immature.
Good for her! She’s got a relatively stable arrangement, which works for her and for a number of other people. As she says, it’s not for everyone, but it sounds like she’s happy with the set-up are the moment.
Wow.What a great, open and amazing post. Thank you.
I’d do it…if you’re choosing not to be in a relationship and still want sex why not get paid for it? How is it any different from a date paying for dinner? At least everyone knows where they stand in these arrangements.
Thought provoking, honest post and well write n ! Have to admit I’ve had offers of men willing to pay for my “company”. I couldn’t go through with it but don’t see a problem with women/men that do ! Each to there own and all that ;)
I’m also delighted the writer has found something that works well for her. I’ve had some amazing experiences submitting to strangers (in situations where I had specified what I was up for and the men stuck to the agreement). I would probably enjoy doing it for money once the arrangements were in place (setting them up takes absurd amount of time and email in my experience, and a lot of men back out when it’s time to meet in person). Weirdly, even though I’m a switch and dominate more than submit, I don’t at all like dominating men I don’t know. Kind of a shame since so many are aching for it.
And forgive me if this seems totally stupidly obvious, not to mention unsexy, but being a self-employed person, I hope you’ll stay on good terms with the tax authorities. And even if you don’t pay tax on every single penny of your cash earnings (I would probably pay tax on some but not all if I had untrackable income), it’s wise to make sure you are paying in to National Insurance (UK) or Social Security (US) or whatever system exists in your country to provide some money when you get old and/or sick. In the UK what you’re doing is legal but even in places where it’s not there are ways to pay National Insurance equivalent and enough tax that you don’t look like a criminal to your local revenuers.
The cost of a decent accountant, and the effort to set up whatever bookkeeping system works well enough to keep on top of things, is worth it for the peace of mind.
My husband used a working girl during a bout of extreme lonliness when his first wife died. It was only once. She was very pleasant and very good to him (he did a story about it), but he was paranoid his work or his children might find out and never repeated the exercise. He was also scared about disease.
I am sure there is a place for surrogate love, perhaps the author has found a better way than normal prostitution. It is a shame how the media try to scandalise everything. Clearly in this situation both parties are getting something out of this relationship. I hope she practices safe sex if she’s partnering with several at a time.
How do you know it was a man?. Calling strangers ‘stupid men’ because they have a view on what turns them on (or off) or can’t spell is both mysandry and classist. Liking this comment shows the true colours of privalidge people claiming to be feminist to shout down and exploit public ignorance for profit rather than to engage them or consider their views may be valid.
Hi saddad – you just left two different comments under different names, pretending to be different people. The below is for anyone (and I can’t imagine there’ll be many) who may stumble across your comment and wonder if you have a valid point.
– I’m well up for a debate on ethics, but I’m not up for people being knee-jerk shitty to guest bloggers when they have nothing more to contribute than just ‘I don’t want to wank to this.’
– I don’t think ‘this is such a turn off’ is a particularly enticing or engaging comment, hence why I didn’t engage with it beyond the response it deserved, which was ‘fuck off.’
– I don’t think it’s a giant logical leap to assume that someone who claims something is ‘the worst thing about the female gender’ is a man.
I disagree I am interested to know why its a turn off to see if there’s more to it. But then id rather engage with people. Telling someone to fuck off is aggressive and unessicary. As for sockpuppet. Hardly. The name/reset/form filing is tedious. Of course i wouldnt use my real name here. I doubt many have. You don’t either. Your aggressive attitude and particularly some comments from others is intimidating and frightening. Would it be a giant leap to assume such people are capable of being cruel and vindictive. Particularly when they openly brag about getting off on humiliating others.
I like that you have now joined the names. That is a nice touch.
And don’t be obtuse: I don’t ever insist on people using their real names. You can call yourself the King of Bumworld for all I care, just don’t be deceptive.