Beginning. Short sentence designed to make you ponder something odd or sexy or enraging or cute. Longer sentence which explains why that thing you were pondering is actually a little bit more complicated than you might have previously thought. Teasing line aimed at making you want to read further: why am I doing this?
First paragraph proper, now, in which we delve slightly further into the topic. I overexplain what I’m going to discuss, throwing in some search-optimised phrases to make sure that Google finds this post. Followed swiftly by an evocative sentence which includes words designed to make you feel something: beautiful, fucked-up, frightening. Intense.
Anecdote time, now, and likely this anecdote will start with ‘the other day’ or ‘recently on Twitter’ or perhaps even ‘quote from an article I read.’
Here’s a quote from an article I read. I’ll cherry-pick it to laser-target your attention on the topic at hand, likely missing some of the nuance intended by the original author, which I’ll try to cover in the paragraph below.
And here it comes – the paragraph below, where I’ll say ‘naturally’ or ‘of course’ as I acknowledge that this quote doesn’t sum things up for everyone, and try to front-load some exceptions so I can sneakily dodge the criticism that I imagine someone might already be penning below the line. With that done, it’s time to launch into a ‘but’ that introduces what I think, so you are already on-side with the argument I’m about to make.
Subhead with SEO keyword
Storytime here. Words flow more easily, because I’m remembering and recording an event which happened rather than having to wrench it from my brain. Maybe I’ll refer back to the quote above, or maybe not. Maybe I’ll write some dialogue which is half-remembered and half-constructed from a scene I was playing at the time.
“That’s just what you do,” he tells me. “You write things that fall out of your head and the good bits stick in people’s minds while the bad bits fall by the wayside, because people are astonishingly forgiving.”
That’s how blog posts go. That’s how this blog post will go. That’s how most of my blog posts go, and I hadn’t really realised this until recently, when I find myself relying on churning out formulaic porn to try and capture your attention and distract myself from what’s happening outside. Intensely navel-gazing self-obsession fuels the next few paragraphs, which I’ll skip over here to spare my own self-disgust.
Short sentence, for impact.
Longer sentence, to show contrast with the short sentence. Descriptive language that is here to try and make you feel things. Want things. Need things. Using rule of three to build drama and intensity without truly considering whether the second and third things are adding much more to the first.
If it’s porn, this is where we’ll use the dirty words: fuck, suck, dick, cunt, and longer phrases like ‘please please please put it in me.’ If it’s an argument, this is likely where I’ll draw things out into what amounts to little more than the kind of rant I wish I could have in the pub, when I’m facing down some misogynist who’s trying to make me feel small, and in real life the words I need so desperately do not come, so I stew on them before pouring reams of l’esprit de l’escalier onto you poor lot who did nothing to deserve this earful. If it isn’t porn, and isn’t rants, this is where we’ll build to the Scrubs-style ending, where imaginary music swells and I churn out trite phrases to make you feel like we’ve been on an emotional journey.
Another short sentence, for impact. To imply this post is over.
Final thought, which comes in a longer sentence, but scans so neatly that it sounds like a wise conclusion.
Final short sentence, to show you it’s probably not.
20 Comments
I absolutely love this.
And I always check for the Easter egg tags :-)
Haha YAY! Thank you!
This is comment saying how much I enjoyed this post
Reply that acknowledges my delight that you’re joining in with this <3
How good is this?! Forget the notice board, I just need this one post ‘bookmarked’ – thanks for writing and sharing.
This is a poorly-written comment. At no point am I going to acknowledge the fact that I have not actually read the article, but it won’t stop me criticising you for the fact that your article does not address my specific interpretation of the situation that you may or may not have been describing.
Further, I would like you to to acknowledge that not all men are misogynistic.
Calm and measured reply, which has gone through at least two edits so I can remove most of the snark, but leave in just enough that you understand your comment has missed the point.
“At no point am I going to acknowledge the fact that I have not actually read the article” – response to specific part of your comment that I quoted, with secondary quote from the article which demonstrates how silly you look for missing this particular point in your haste to reply.
Hah! This post did exactly That Thing…caught my interest, drew me in, kept me reading and waiting for more. Slightly cynical, very clever and insightful.
Comment conveying my appreciation of your writing.
Appreciative reply <3
Seriously: THE best “how to” blog post EVAR!!! :D
Love this!
This will become an increasingly incoherent comment that appears to start with some relevance to the original post but is in fact an horrendous mishmash of WHARGARBL and either adverts for erectile dysfunction pills, vitamin supplements, some religious cult, or, inevitably, some horrific rant about how sex is evil and living in The Handmaid’s Tale would somehow be preferable.
And don’t forget the comment that somehow snuck through the spam filter telling you how lovely this article is and then tries to sell you the thing that has nothing to do with the article.
Still wanked.
Thank you!
What IS happening outside?
😂😂😂
Poor old giraffe
Hectoring reply where I start out with some faint praise and then proceed to tell you that you’re a bad person, a Bad Feminist and a sinner but that all will be forgiven if you change every aspect of your life to agree with the things that are important in my sad joyless existence. Incredibly awkward Handmaid’s Tale reference that proves beyond doubt that I’ve never read it.
Wry smile that recognises you saw my tweet about this, and thanks you for chipping in =)
This is a very polite comment to say I think that you and this is awesome and a great example of this kind of work.
I’m then going to awkwardly link to another example of this kind of work
https://twitter.com/mikewarburton/status/1294231424246198275?s=21
But it’s not my work – just thought it was funny.