Girl on the Net

I’ve wanted to publish something about 3nder for a really long time, so I was delighted when Jenny Guérin got in touch to say she was working on a piece about threesome advice – based on her dates with couples on 3nder. 3nder is a hook-up app which allows you to create a profile as either a couple or a single person. A dating app, essentially, but for threesomes.

It’s been incredibly popular, because it’s a great app and because (in my opinion) many more traditional dating apps are bizarrely prudish about what they can be used for. Tinder, for instance, got really angry when Vanity Fair called it a hook-up app. Yet bizarrely – and to my mind misguidedly – Tinder is suing 3nder and demanding it be shut down, because ‘users might get confused.’ Way to crush the little guy, Tinder! And look like a complete dick! And prevent people from meeting for threesomes! Blergh. I’ll write more on this soon.

For now, though, I’m delighted to welcome Jenny (follow her on Twitter here and check out her blog), who’s got some great threesome advice that she picked up – all courtesy of 3nder.

Threesome advice I picked up from 3nder

I like dating couples. I like sleeping with couples. It turns me on to think that a couple has discussed bringing in a third, exploring that side of their relationship, fantasised about how hot having another woman to share would be and then they find someone like me online. I love every little step from matching with someone on 3nder to treating myself to a cab home the following morning, dishevelled, exhausted and very very happy.

The app 3nder has helped me to seek out more of these experiences. I can identify people looking for someone like me and start conversations which may lead to a wild night or two. I am still friends with some of the people I have met on 3nder, which is an amazing and unexpected bonus.

I want to share a few things that I have either learned or confirmed by being a sexual guest star:

Communication three ways

Make sure you are able to talk with both sides of the couple, don’t allow all communication to go through one partner.

3nder allows accounts to be shared by couples, but you’re only allowed to message as a single user. When you match with a couple and someone starts speaking to you, you need to check which partner you are speaking to. Often there will be one who is initiating conversations. In my last partnership I would mediate between our third and my partner because my personality is better suited for driving these things but it was important for my partner and our third to communicate as well.

It is important to have conversations in all directions, in a group chat is best so everyone can see all communication. After I was satisfied that my new match on 3nder met my criteria (good punctuation, respectful questions, not too forward) I would suggest moving the conversation to a messaging app where you can have group messages more easily. This meant I could chat with the second partner too and get a feel for what both sides of the couple were looking for as individuals. Letting one partner speak too much was a red flag and it was important to establish enthusiastic consent for both.

I think I am something of a mediator. Especially in threeways. I like to check in regularly with everyone at every step. I’m not saying you need to have my level of sexual diplomacy, but leaving ample opportunity for checking in is handy, to make sure that when the clothes start coming off, everyone is eager for it to happen, or that any potential anxieties can be addressed as and when they present themselves; rather than exploding unexpectedly when you are elbow deep in someone’s significant other.

I like to do something specific at the pub date before any sex has been discussed. I will use any time where two of us are left alone to gently check in with them. It doesn’t have to be overt, and you can gauge how to do this over the evening. It could be a genuine compliment for them, their absent partner or them as a couple. Or even “are you having a nice time?” can leave the subject open to them enthusing about the wine they’re drinking, or the adventure the three of you are embarking upon. Do this with the other partner when the first has made their trip to the bathroom or bar as well for fairness. It gives them time to speak to you individually.

I’ve experienced this when the female partner of a couple was getting anxious that things were moving too fast for her. By allowing her to confide in me she felt more relaxed and together we gently slowed things down to a pace she felt comfortable with. There’s a lot of expectation to navigate when a couple have made a decision to sleep with a third. She felt uncertain if she could express this to her boyfriend (which is a different subject all together) so I didn’t want her to feel pressured by a second person. Building rapport and trust with someone who is considering sleeping with you is fundamental.

Naturally you need to give your prospective playmates the same opportunity to be alone and discuss you. They will, or should, discuss you and while nobody likes the idea of being spoken about behind their back, it is important to allow this to happen. Bringing in a third person can affect a couple, for better or worse, and they need that time to assure each other, check they’re both still keen or just to tease and wind each other up about what’s going to happen later. I always go to the bathroom a couple of times (even if it is to reapply my lipstick) and buy a round in (that’s just common courtesy) to give the couple that space.

Share details

When arranging to meet anyone from the Internet it is good practice to let someone know where you’re going. If you’re not comfortable telling a friend that you’re seeing a couple for sex, tell them you’re meeting an individual. There are also good features on smart phones which allow you to share your location with a trusted friend. Make sure your phone is fully charged – even so you can find your way to a bus stop or taxi in the morning without having to wait for your phone to power on using a borrowed charger.

I often give my best friend the postcode of the bar I’m meeting the couple at and maybe a phone number. She has done this to me too; for dates, house viewings and interviews. London can be a very big and scary place. We always check in after the meeting to let the other person know we’re safe (usually the morning after if the date went well).

I love crime or legal dramas and I believe in leaving a visible trail for someone to follow should a Bad Thing happen. I have never had to rely on these practices – the people I meet are kind, friendly and respectful – but having that safety net lets me enjoy my night out a little more.

Our friends don’t need to know the sordid details of our sexual adventures, but practical details are essential.

There is always next time

A threeway can just be a bottle of wine at the pub and a kiss of the cheek goodbye. Enjoy the dating, flirting, getting to know each other side of setting up a threesome with someone(s) you’ve met on 3nder.

Everything has a little more edge when I’m going on a date with a couple. Selecting my underwear, wondering if both will approve of black lace French knickers or a girly cotton brief more. Striking the balance between He and She. Am I teaching her how to be with a woman for the first or will I be a plaything for both? Where is the power dynamic? In the pub do people look over at the three of us and realise we are on a date together? This is all before we’ve even started sexual contact. Anticipation is hot.

Dating conventions are still quite limited. I shock most of my friends by telling them about my odd-numbered evenings, about the open relationships, having a non-romantic dominant for a year and a half. It is so easy to shock, and while I feel no shame about the way I live and love others, sometimes it gives me a thrill to consider how transgressive I must appear to an outside eye. Never more so when I’m flirting with a couple in a public place.

If the evening ends before any nakedness happens do not despair. You have just been on a date with two people. That is hot. Sometimes the best threesomes I have been part of had a leisurely build up. Several days of conversation, a meeting to get to know each other and then, after more chat and planning, dinner at their place and I was a very willing dessert. When a couple takes their time it is rarely a sign of reluctance. If they are still talking to you they are still interested, they are just checking in with each other and making sure when you all do start having sex everyone is eager and willing.

You have to go at the pace of the most hesitant person. Remember that woman I mentioned some several paragraphs ago? This was the first time she had done this. Any of it. She had never had group sex, never had sex with a woman – never kissed a woman before. Her partner and I had a similar level of experience which meant that we knew what we were getting into, how we felt about it. But for her, that is a lot of new stuff all at once, with a stranger.

I remember the first time I slept with a woman; I was certain it wasn’t acceptable to be that level of aroused and terrified at the same time. My first experience of group sex was less terrifying but was a complete assault of amazing, dirty, sexy sensations. I couldn’t have processed both of those ‘firsts’ at once.

Going on a first date with a couple and not getting laid is like going on any first date and not getting laid. It isn’t because you’re not sexy, or that they aren’t interested. It could be that someone is wanting to take it slow. Good things do come to those who wait – and who are gracious, accommodating guest stars who don’t pout because just because they are totally ready for sex tonight and it didn’t happen for them. Go home and savour all those naughty moments you did experience with your two newest friends.

I also like to think that each night I don’t go home with a couple they might be having viciously dirty sex talking about all the things they want to do with this third person. That helps.

Tinder’s lawsuit against 3nder is calling for a full shut-down, not just a name change. This should not happen. 3nder offers the possibility of connecting with people who share your desires for group sex. Bringing this to a platform so accessible as the iOS App store communicates that it is acceptable to enjoy threeways. I can browse interested couples as easily as I can play Neko Atsume – and that speaks volumes.