Girl on the Net

Why don’t humans ever roar during sex? You know, just letting out a proper, full-throated, guttural roar which shakes the very walls of the bedroom you happen to be fucking in. Luckily, although humans are incapable of doing this, the latest episode of Dynasties on the BBC has the next best thing: 22 seconds of full-throated, hot-blooded tiger sex. It’s the most erotic thing I have ever seen in my life.

For the next 700 hundred words I am literally just going to be talking about how sexy it is to watch two adult tigers going at it. If that’s not your cup of tea look away now.

I’m obsessed with Dynasties, as I’m obsessed with pretty much any massive-budget BBC nature thing (Blue Planet, Planet Earth, etc etc). I would pay my license fee for this alone, and think it a massive bargain. This week’s episode of Dynasties followed a tiger – Raj Bhera – as she nurtured her cubs and patrolled her territory in the Bandhavgarh Tiger Reserve in India. It’s cute and beautiful and frightening and awe-inspiring and you should totally watch it just for the beauty alone. But you should also watch it because at one point it shows tiger sex.

At 34:50 Raj Bhera’s now-adult daughter, Solo, swings by Raj Bhera’s territory to poach food, muck about and get fucked.

You can watch the Tiger episode of Dynasties here.

Why is tiger sex the hottest kind of sex?

Have you ever seen anything so deliciously obscene in your life? Tigers. Going at it. Roaring and growling and trying to bite each other so that for a second it’s hard to distinguish whether this is a fuck or a fight.

It’s the growls and the roars that get me first. Such absolute power. Such a total lack of abandon. There are no ‘sssh’s or giggles or secrets or closed doors, because tigers do not feel shame. Tigers will never be embarrassed about letting out a sex noise or two, because why the fuck would they feel embarrassment? They’re tigers. One of the joys of being a tiger is roaring really loudly and telling everyone in the vicinity that you’re doing this. You’re fucking in the open because you can. Because you’re strong and loud and you have massive teeth and claws that can rip a monkey to bits in seconds, and just you all try to fucking stop me.

The human equivalent is so much less badass. Just me getting fucked over a sticky table at my nearest Wetherspoons half an hour before closing time, screaming ‘Don’t fucking touch me, I’ll do what I want!’ as nearby drinkers try to tiptoe around me without spilling their pints. It’s just not sexy when people do it, is it?

Back to the tiger sex: it’s not just the roaring that makes this absolute filth, there’s the position too. I know, I know – most mammals fuck in roughly the same position, which dogs have selfishly laid claim to, despite the fact that they definitely didn’t invent it. But this is more than just ‘animal leaps on other animals back, fucks quickly before he gets thrown off’, this is Solo positioned slightly coquettishly, body lying partway down a slope, to slightly arch her back as the male enters her. And when he – with hips twitching quickly so he can finish before she gets pissed off and violent – shoves her a little too hard and pushes her a little way down the slope, she arches her back further, lets out another roar, and I die of lust and sex.

Finally, of course, there’s the neck-biting. You didn’t think I’d forget to mention the neck-biting did you? It’s the best bit of the tiger sex! At one point the male tiger’s roar turns into something that’s part-BDSM, part-affection, as he opens his mouth really wide and takes the scruff of her neck in his massive jaws. Only a little – you can see tigers are good at communicating their hard limits, because when he goes to do it for a second time she turns around with her own teeth bared as if to say ‘do that again, Keith, and I’ll have your fucking face off.’ But still: an exceptional bit of neck biting followed by more roars – ones that resonate so deeply I could feel the vibrations through the sofa I was sitting on.

That’s it: that’s the holy trinity of excellent tiger sex. The three reasons why I became so mesmerised by this particular TV episode that it moved me to write a blog about it. Neck biting, that sexy arched-back position and this glorious, guttural growling which to me reads like a sign of danger. These two massive, deadly, beautiful creatures are fucking each other so vigorously they’re right on the line between lovers and enemies.

Then, as quickly as it seemed to start, it’s over. His rapid hip-twitching finishes, and he pulls out, loitering over her for just long enough that she gets angry again, and dismisses him with a final throaty growl, before rolling over and making him step away.

Twenty two seconds of tiger sex: you can keep your gang bangs and anal, this right here is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.