Although there’s a part of me that wishes I could be more chilled-out, there’s another – much bigger – part that craves efficiency in everything. I want to cut down on time spent doing unnecessary shit, mainly to make more time for fucking. Bottom line: I am a very busy slag, and I thought I’d share some of my time-saving sex tips with you.

Before I begin I just want to make you aware that none of these are ‘get it over and done with quickly’ sex tips. Those – like that one article which advised women on how to speed through ‘icky’ blow jobs – go against all of my principles and borderline break my heart.

These sex tips are simply habits I’ve fallen into which help me make the most of my life: buying myself time to spend on the most fun things – like wanking myself cross-eyed, or getting vigorously dicked. I do it in all walks of life: I am the person who gets on the tube at carriage 5, front door, because I know that’s where the exit will be when it’s time for me to get off. I am the woman juggling two phones on the bus, because while one batch of email is refreshing I can compose a different one on the other screen. I am the person who will cook dinner while making phone calls and also doing the dishes, because I want to get the chores out of the way so I’ve got all evening free for wanking.

What’s more, these little micro-efficiencies often spill over into sex itself. My partner pointed this out the other day, while laughing at me, and suggested the title for this blog post. So I thought I’d have a go at writing it: here are my time-saving sex tips for busy slags.

Time-saving sex tips

Spit on your fingers and rub that on your cunt

Yeah, lube is better. It also takes time to find and rummage for in the drawer, so sometimes I spit on my fingers and rub it on my cunt. If you’ve ever fucked me at your house, or a hotel room, and I’ve arrived breathless from running out of the tube station then asked ‘mind if I use your loo before we start?’ then this is probably what I was doing.

Never ever take your knickers all the way off

Yanking the crotch to the side: that’s my favourite. It gives a kind of desperate urgency to the fuck, and it also means that there’s a gusset to slide back over my cunt afterwards to catch the dribbles of jizz that’ll otherwise start running down my thighs. But if a more thorough knicker-removal is called for, keeping the knickers hooked on to at least one foot saves time hunting for them afterwards.

The sexier the shoes, the less likely someone will insist on you taking them off before you fuck them

Enough said.

Embrace the power of porn

Want to do get your partner warmed up but can’t really be arsed to put the necessary work in? Send them to where they usually watch porn, tell them to pick a favourite video, then let them know you’ll join them in a second. Voilà! You have bought yourself valuable minutes of tweeting/facebooking/responding to emails time while they rub themselves into just the right state of hardness ready for when you come back in.

This is a literal thing that I have done many times. It has the benefit that I get to watch him wank a bit as I loiter outside the door – half my brain working at phone admin, the other half going ‘LOOK OMG A MAN IS WATCHING PORN AND WANKING HOLY FUCK THAT’S HOT.’

Give appropriate warning

If you’re not able (or keen) to do the porn thing above, you can still cut down on warm-up time with a well-placed hint or two earlier in the evening. Some people use sexting for this: a quick sext to someone who is on their way home saying ‘I’m waiting for you with a butt plug in and a cunt I want you to plough when you get home’ can work wonders. Or – as my partner sent the other day – a four-word missive which conjures images of an eager, horny person just waiting to be fucked: “Oh. My. Aching. Cock.”

I prefer the direct and verbal, though: turning to him as we’re watching TV and saying ‘all these Game of Thrones tits are making me horny – do you want to take me to the bedroom at the end of this episode and finger me while I suck your dick?’ or ‘I’m just getting ready for bed. Want to come and join, and wank me off with Doxy Number 3 while I squirm and moan a bit on your cock?’

Sexy? Yes. Also time-saving.

Bra-hoisting and other clothing tricks

We’ve done the knickers one: that’s standard. And the vast majority of people who wear bras will have already worked out the most efficient way for them to put one on: for me it is putting it on backwards then twizzling it round before I put the straps over my arms, but your mileage may vary. However, what I didn’t know until I got with my current dude is that there’s an even more efficient bra-trick than the backwards-twizzle: I call it ‘not taking the bloody thing off at all’.

Yes, I’ve had sex with my bra on plenty of times before. But I hadn’t known about the trick where you simply grasp the centre point of the bra, just between the tits, and hoist that up and over so it sits just behind your head. It’s still technically ‘on’, so when you’re done you just hoik the bra back over to the front again, but it means that your tits are accessible during a fuck for sucking, biting, bouncing, slapping, and all that fun stuff – without ever having to undo the clasps.

My partner does it with his t-shirt when he wants it out of the way during a doggy-style quickie, and since I first saw him do it I have brazenly stolen the trick. It has changed my life.

Crackle-glaze hand-jobs

I like to do my nails – it makes me feel sexy and cool. It also adds a splash of colour to my outfit choices, which tend mostly towards black and grey. So I do my nails a lot. Problem with doing your nails is that you have to spend 20 minutes flapping your hands around and trying not to touch anything while you wait for the fuckers to dry.

A decent crackle glaze, though? That fucker evaporates slightly as it dries, giving you a fairly solid coating within a couple of minutes, no matter which polish you used underneath it. Meaning you don’t have to wait long after application before you can be busily rubbing dick or frigging yourself off. Bonus: beautiful nails add a sexy je ne sais quois to a hand-job, in my humble opinion.

It was also the activity that inspired this blog post. Which I wrote in 20 minutes.

Now I’m going to use Hootsuite to schedule a couple of tweets about it. That should save me a few minutes, which is lucky, because it’s almost time for my 2 o’clock wank.

Must dash.