You’ve met today’s guest blogger before – Elena Bennet dropped by a few months ago with this gloriously horny post about the sex surge during menopause, bringing everyone a thrill of delight by sharing her sex Renaissance with us all. Today is your opportunity to repay that lovely favour, because she has an important question on which she’d like your advice. If you have too many sex toys and it starts getting tricky to hide them from prying eyes, how the hell do you store them? Take it away Elena – everyone else, do chip in with your tips below.
Too many sex toys?
How much is too much? How many, too many? Now this is a sex blog, so there are myriad things I could possibly be asking here. Too much oral? Too many orgasms? A surfeit of partners or fantasies or kinks or…?
Nah.
I’m actually talking about something more material, concrete and very much, um, hands-on. My name is Elena, and I’m a sex toy addict.
The mad thing is that I only bought my first ever vibrator about a year ago. A charming little pale yellow thing with a smiley face at one end and an enticing bulge at the other. It was an impulse purchase but one born of necessity, at a time when my hormones were becoming deliciously, menopausally unbalanced leaving me with a surfeit of testosterone sloshing around my horny middle aged bod. My partner stepped up to the challenge of my increasing demands – willingly and completely delightedly, god bless him – but I still found myself with lone needy moments that called for more than my own hands and vivid imagination.
From one sex toy to many…
From Li’l Yellow, it felt only fair to investigate options for the bloke too, so a turquoise blue vibrating cuff thing was added to the unexciting-looking drawstring small sack that we had by now started to refer to, sniggeringly, as Sex Bag (always in metaphorical capital letters). Alongside lots of extremely cheap (in a good way) and highly synthetic underwear, all static-inducing fabrics, stretchy lace and strategic holes (and that was just his), the bag began (forgive me) to bulge. A selection of cock rings, special “tingly” lube, vibrators of every shape, size, colour and intensity you could ask for. As we got more daring, a beautiful jewelled butt plug (is it weird to have an aesthetic favourite?), nipple clamps, a paddle for some light spanking and some anal beads.
All brilliant fun, and a real boon in the bedroom (or bathroom, or kitchen, or AirBnB or wherever) but – real talk: a significant accumulation of shag enhancers does not leave a footprint that is either particularly light or especially discreet.
“Oh, whatever,” you might think, “you young and carefree Gen Z-ers, with your polyamorous fun and your sex-positive social media feeds!”
Yeah, um, consider the plight of this ol’ Gen X grandmother (yup, uhuh), in a small flat with not very much storage space and regular visits from kids who love to forage. I refuse to traumatise a grandchild for life by having them chance across “Nana’s secret bag” while looking in a wardrobe for an old jewellery box to pore over.
I simply can not deal with the kind of conversation that would give rise to. I am not a prude: you’re talking here to a woman who 100% believes that if a kid is old enough to ask the question they deserve an age appropriate answer. This woman once explained wet dreams to her 8 year old daughter without breaking a sweat! But there are definitely limits.
So what to do? I’m not going to be getting rid of any of my (OK OK our) divine, delicious sex toys – you’d have to prise then out of my cold, dead… ‘hand’, mate. But Sex Bag is literally about to burst, and it’s semi-concealed under a pile of knitwear and liable to be discovered at any minute.
So I’m throwing this one open to the floor. What do you do with your orgasm objects? Bespoke storage? Old Tesco’s carrier? Locked cupboard? Medicine cabinet? All ideas, the sneakier the better, would be very gratefully received before I have to face the only other, unthinkable, option: just stop buying any more, and resign myself to a life of wholesome, unencumbered ageing.
And as I might have been heard to exclaim, on opening my most recent plain-packaged delivery: fuck that.
Come, friends, let’s help Elena out here. As a single person whose friends are more than used to finding dildos drying by my bathroom sink, my own sex toy storage solutions (wang them wherever you like, do a Big Tidy if your Mum’s coming over) are unlikely to prove much use. Do you have kids or grandkids? I don’t think you can ever have too many sex toys, but even one could be ‘too much’ if your grandchild stumbles across it. How do you hide your own sex toy collection? Share your solutions in the comments.
Oh! And if you’re a sex toy fan too, please do click the on-site ads and support the brilliant companies who sponsor me here. And go check out my sex toy page – curated with some of my top favourite toys, plus more recommendations from toy expert Amy of Coffee and Kink. Buying stuff through there helps support this site.
7 Comments
Well my brain went immediately to hidden cabinet in the walk-in closet; but then i remembered reading “small flat” “not much storage space”.
So after letting this stew a few minutes, and checking a couple of links; I’m going to recommend that she google “under bed lockable storage”; where there should be a slew of options. of course it doesn’t have to go under the bed; it can go on a shelf, or under a stack of shoes in the closet (so it looks like they’re sitting on a broad flat dais, or in with some luggage (hiding in plain sight).
A fabulous suggestion – thanks fuzzy!
Outgrew the bag-at-back-of-drawer a long time ago.
Built a walk-in closet recently so took the opportunity to hide shallow drawers behind the kickboards that spring out when pressed. So nice to have everything laid out on display. Bulkier things go beneath the false bottom in the blanket box seat.
Still thinking about a locking mechanism, perhaps a specific screw that must be rotated to lift a catch.
Lots of types of furniture have a kickboard that could be turned into a hidden drawer with moderate DIY skills.
This is such a nifty and cool solution- thank you so much for sharing! I have a plan to build wardrobes in my bedroom at some point, so I’m going to see if I can sneak a few secret drawers in there too! Thank you!
I just keep all mine in a plastic “under-bed storage” type box (ok, two plastic “under-bed storage” boxes) in the space under my sock drawer where I used to keep shoes. This is in a modular IKEA pax wardrobe where you can pretty much arrange the space how you need it.
But I don’t have small children poking about so it’s easy for me. Perhaps storing them high up out of reach is the answer? Could totally do that in my wardrobe.
Really loving the DIY effort Kinky Abroad has put in on a custom storage solution! Maybe I need to step up a bit! I do love a project.
I too am the granny dreading the discovery. Funny blog and useful input. I too rarely throw away. I have biodegradable hummers as of recently they seem like fine idea should I toss these periodically in the future. I do so with my published stories quite frequently.. I have dad’s that I take the advertising jacket out of the case and reverse it to plain white to sort of insure against little eyes. I guess I’m old fashioned when it comes to that collection. Which reminds me..you should see my DVD selections…lol so …I will be following this topic for ideas. Thinking a whole room but that alas is not in the bear future. Cheers. I’m a new member. 61 years old. With attached husband. Sue to you or Suzsalone-77 as my username. Hubby likes to write as do I so you never know..you may get to know us at some point via this very user friendly site.
Dvd’s not dad’s I should say