What do you think of when you hear the words ‘orgasm equality’? I think of much nicer things than the weird t-shirts I stumbled across this week. That story, as well as an update on a really awesome anal toy, in this week’s ‘two things’ below.
The bad: orgasm equality (or pressure?)
This week I spotted a story about an orgasm equality clothing line. A designer has launched a range of t-shirts bearing the slogan ‘it’s not done if I don’t come.’
Hmm.
While I appreciate the sentiment – I think there are many people who are pretty fed up of the assumption that sex begins at erection and ends at ejaculation. I think it’s important to show and tell people that you don’t need a dick to have an orgasm, and that writing off clitoral or vaginal orgasm as ‘too difficult’ is a bit shit – not to mention frustrating for all those people who end sex feeling left out.
But.
I have two problems with the idea that sex is only ‘done’ if both (or all) of the people involved have an orgasm. The first is pressure. As Alix Fox pointed out when she was asked for a quote for the article:
“It can take time and experimentation to figure out what works for each individual lass, so to brand sex a failure if it doesn’t result in climax-to-the-max from both partners places unhelpful pressure on men and women alike.”
On top of this undue pressure, though, there’s another issue: consent. I think the message ‘it’s not done if I don’t come’ sounds bizarrely aggressive. As if you’re demanding an orgasm even when someone has tapped out – either tired or no longer willing. While it’s really important for partners to prioritise your pleasure, demanding that they complete some kind of orgasm challenge no matter what sets what I feel is an uncomfortable benchmark.
The obvious, short answer to this is: how would we feel if a bloke wore this orgasm equality t-shirt? I think we’d be demanding it be pulled from the shelves, because it has uncomfortable non-consensual implications. And while there definitely is a problem with the fact that society often prioritises the male orgasm over others, I don’t think our main route for tackling that should involve ‘demanding’ sexual satisfaction.
The good: Doxy re-releases the Skittle as ‘the Don’
Besides my Doxy Massager, I also have something that’s now called The Don – it used to be called the Doxy Skittle. Why the name change? And why am I mentioning it?
Well, basically I thought it was a fun look behind-the-scenes at some of the weird/fun things that go on in sex toy land. Basically, ‘the Skittle’ caused some waves with confectionery giant Wrigleys (who make the Skittles of ‘taste the rainbow’ fame). And… I don’t know… maybe they thought consumers might be confused?
Caution: only one of these should go in your bum…
Taste the rainbow in your mouth not in your bum
Anyway. I just thought it was funny. And it’s a nice excuse to tell you to buy The Don – it’s really good, basically a very weird-looking, very powerful, plug-into-the-mains sex toy. Initially marketed as something that could be used anywhere, Doxy has listened to feedback and reviews from sex toy bloggers and come to one key conclusion: it’s basically for butt stuff. Here’s Will, from Doxy, to explain:
“In the weeks following sale, the reviews started to roll in and it became clear that the Doxy Skittle was being favoured for anal play. It became a bit of an underground whisper, whenever someone mentioned they were getting a Skittle, the advice was “put it in your bum.”
Amen.
UPDATE with new awesome news
Tickets for Eroticon 2017 are on sale NOW. Get in quick if you’d like an early-bird discount. It’s going to be at Arlington House in Camden on March 4th and 5th. If you’re a sex blogger, writer, or someone who aspires to be either of those things, then it will probably be the highlight of your year.
4 Comments
I understand your point about orgasm equality but don’t you think its disappointing for the person who doesn’t get an orgasm during sex? I mean I’m in a relationship with this awesome guy and we’ve had sex a couple of times and he comes every single time and I don’t. At that moment I am not sad that I didn’t get an orgasm but there are times when I think “Why the fuck am I not getting mine.” And I guess it’s my first time having sex but still. Again I’m not saying I’m entitled to have an orgasm (I have one when I jerk off) but this feeling that I should have one when I have sex doesn’t go away.
Sounds like you and your partner need to have a cosy 1:1 about wants and needs. Communication is key in these matters x
Hi J – I agree with the quiet one above, and I am totally with you. Apologies if my post made it come off like orgasms don’t matter – they absolutely do if they matter to you, and they matter a lot to me as well. While I don’t like the messaging of ‘it’s not done if I don’t come’ I am intensely frustrated if a partner sees my orgasm as unimportant, or even if they just assume it’ll be difficult/impossible and so therefore don’t bother. While no one’s entitled to an orgasm, everyone *is* entitled to their partner listening to what they need and want.
I agree with tqo above that a sit-down and a chat with your partner about what you want might be a really good idea. When I first started having sex, I didn’t expect to orgasm from it, and then one day we shagged at a slightly different angle with *just the right* pace, and somehow it happened. I was over the moon, but it was tricky to explain to him exactly how to replicate it, but with a bit of back and forth we nailed it. It may be that for you the trick involves showing your partner your own tricks you use when wanking, or lots of oral, or a combination of loads of things, but having that conversation about the stuff that works for you, and making it clear to your partner how important it is? Totally a good idea. Best of luck with stuff x
I think you’re totally right about the orgasm point. I actually think there’s quite a bit of pressure on men to come when sometimes they find it hard, too, and if they don’t they think it’s evidence of some sort of problem, when maybe they’re stressed or tired or had too much to drink. My ex just couldn’t come through anything we did together, and it wasn’t that he didn’t find me hot or get hard: he just had to always get himself off. I didn’t mind in the slightest. I feel the sentiment of sex not being ‘done’ till there are orgasms is problematic for many people. Of course, if there’s a problem in a relationship where one person just isn’t fussed about the other’s pleasure, that is different, but I still don’t see how having that attitude would help. I hate pressure in sex of any kind :(