Girl on the Net

Sometimes the stars align into a constellation that literally spells out “I HAVE THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD, GODDAMMIT”, and so it was on the 20th January this year, when I got a little message from a shipping company telling me my package from Intimate Chocolate had arrived. My package of a gigantic, delicious, beautiful hazlenut-and-chocolate dick. I am supposed to ‘review’ this for the website, but you lot know me by now and so what I’m actually going to do is wax lyrical about how fucking awesome this whole situation is, then tell you how I got overexcited and suggested to a mate who was visiting that we should competitively deep-throat it.

I know that if I have a ‘brand’ as such, it is not a particularly classy one. Companies do not generally come to me in the hope that I will write sensual, teasingly ‘erotic’ copy about their products: when I’m reviewing a sex toy, I’m telling you that I had a lovely wank with it or that a guy bent me over a sofa and shoved it in me till I squirmed and made embarrassing noises. However, Intimate Chocolate is a far classier company than most that I usually work with, and these chocolate dicks aren’t like the kinds of things you’d buy cheaply to pad out the buffet at a hen party, so I’m going to explain to you what exactly they are in as sensual, tasteful language as I can muster before I get to the horny stuff.

The chocolate cock they sent me was the Afrodite – a smooth, beautiful, delicious dick filled with a hazlenut-milk-chocolate praline, plus actual hazelnuts for crunch, and then covered in more thick milk chocolate, plus edible 24-carat gold leaf.

There are plenty of different options on the website, which is what got me excited about the ‘classy and delicious chocolate’ aspect of things as opposed to purely the ‘dick-shaped’ USP: this is not a cheap novelty, this is something you’re going to enjoy eating first and foremost. The fact that you can also deep-throat it is a bonus. Click through and feast your eyes on some of these amazing options…

• The Gold line is all hazlenuts-and-praline, with edible gold leaf to decorate – you can choose between milk, white, dark or ruby chocolate. (€52.40 – currently reduced to €44.63)
• Then there’s the Silver line, which is decorated with edible silver leaf and has a range of other amazing-sounding flavours: white chocolate and pistachio, ruby chocolate and lemon, puffed rice and caramel, and the classic dark chocolate and orange. (Silver line €49.90 – €42.42)
• Then there’s the Candy line, which is all about the crunch: chocolate and dried fruit inside but each with a different coating – almonds, hazlenuts and peanuts. (€38.90)

As I say, Intimate Chocolate sent me the Afrodite, which luckily would have been the exact one I’d have picked if I’d chosen myself because hazlenut and chocolate is my favourite. For the record, though, in case any generous-and-subby men are planning to shower me with more chocolate dick in the future, I would also smash each and every other flavour on this list, most likely starting with the Imene (white chocolate and pistachio).

For now, let’s focus on the Afrodite: hazlenuts and chocolate, decorated in edible gold leaf. And why every single aspect of this Intimate Chocolate experience has made me feel like the World’s Most Precious Princess.

It may not surprise you to learn that despite having seen it on cooking shows in the past, I have never actually eaten gold. It’s just not something that has come up in my life. When I was a kid, if my Mum had money at the end of the month, she would occasionally buy bulk bags of factory-reject broken biscuits for 50p – fighting with my siblings over half a snapped shortbread or an elusive pink wafer was the highlight treat I’d get giddy about. So although I know it is not rare for restaurants/luxury companies to put edible gold on food, to date the gold-eating experience has passed me by. I am not ashamed to tell you that I was very excited about the prospect of eating gold. Like one of those people who goes to Salt Bae’s restaurant, only I don’t have a job in the city, thousands of pounds in the bank or an aggressive sense of entitlement.

Anyway. I was excited, that’s the main thing you need to know. Even as an adult I do not tend to get this kind of treat. I have eaten cheap candy boobs before, had the odd vulva cupcake, and once a man sprayed squirty cream all over his own penis then I licked it off till I gagged on the sweetness, but those are the cheap-and-easy lays of the treat world. A genuinely arty sculpture of a hazlenut-and-chocolate dick is so far out of my league treat-wise that I wouldn’t dare approach it at the school disco. Yet here it was! In my life! Proving that I too could sometimes be precious and worthy of gold-adorned food! Genuine joy, I tell ya.

Afrodite chocolate dick – first impressions

I toddled off into town to collect my post, grateful for the mask that covered my huge delighted grin. I heroically refrained from telling the guy who handed my parcel over ‘GUESS WHAT? It’s a chocolate dick covered in GOLD!’, then hugged the anonymous box all the way home on the tube, lest anyone try to snatch my glory away from me.

When I returned to my flat, I immediately tore the box open so I could get a look at the contents and note my first impressions. Above is the box, here is a picture of it in the sealed wrapper it comes in, for hygiene, which I didn’t take off until we were ready to eat it because I didn’t want to get sticky fingers on it and ruin the glorious effect.

As far as dicks go, this is not small. I kind of want to describe it as a ‘life-sized’ dick, but to do so would be to give quite a lot of people a complex. This is a ‘larger-than-average cock.’ The kind of cock that might prompt you to raise an eyebrow and whistle through your teeth if the owner asked whether or not you do anal. I did not take a tape measure to it, but it’s pictured here next to my trusty and well-loved Godemiche Ambit, because I know you all own one of those for size comparison (and if you don’t, get on it). I’m told it’s 20cm long, which would make it approximately 8 inches, and girth is fairly classically proportionate.

I… OK yeah fuck it I wasn’t sure if I should do this but I’m absolutely going to: let’s talk about the specific shape of this chocolate dick.

Although my foodie credentials are sorely lacking – I’ve never eaten gold, and I think I’ve only once eaten somewhere with a Michelin star – I reckon I can claim to be a connoisseur of cock, so I want to note that as far as cocks go this is an especially beautiful one. It’s long, smooth, nicely-proportioned, and it has an excellent upwards curve. I have, of late, had many opportunities to admire the delights of different-shaped cocks, so don’t go worrying that yours has to look like this in order to provide an excellent time: all cocks are brilliant, it’s just that this one happens to be an especially timeless classic of the genre. It’s the Rolls-Royce of dick shapes: not everyone wants or needs to drive one, but we all notice quality when we see it.

The shape is still artistic enough to avoid total realism (I think it’s probably a good idea not to work too hard replicating veins and foreskin if you’re gonna be sinking your teeth into it) yet detailed enough that I can thoroughly enjoy its beauty for the fact that it is like a cock and not like a cartoon replica of one. I do not want to eat a chocolate cock in the manner of someone getting giggly about dick at a bachelorette party: I want to eat a chocolate cock with the reverence and breathless delight of someone who worships the dick. Respects it. Loves it with my whole soul.

Kneel before the majesty of it.

How do you review a chocolate dick?

It is at this point that I need to confess to you what a terrible person I am: in the run-up to receiving this gorgeous treat from Intimate Chocolate, I have promised no fewer than four people that they would get to eat chocolate dick with me. Unfortunately the nature of food-based products is that they do not last forever, and the nature of this particular food-based product is that I was so excited to eat it I could barely wait to get it back to my flat. Frankly, the only thing stopping me from ripping into it on the journey home and immediately biting into the thick, creamy shaft was my FFP3 mask and a baseline commitment to tube etiquette.

Luckily, though, a friend was on his way to visit, so I did still have someone to share it with. Luckily, also, he is a respectful fan of dick, so when I showed it to him and suggested we competitively deep-throat it, he was game. His first impressions, much like mine, were that it was larger than he’d expected, and both of us were pretty impressed by the custom-cut polystyrene packaging (pictured below), in which the Afrodite nestles comfortably while it flies all the way over from where it is crafted in Italy and into the hearts of eager recipients like me.

Can you actually deep-throat a chocolate cock though? While not the most important aspect of this whole experience, it was nevertheless the question I was most interested in. And I attacked it with all the confidence of a woman who has deep-throated many gigantic dicks in her time, gleefully swallowing them right down to the base with little more than a hair stroke and a ‘good girl’ for encouragement. Sadly, as my friend pointed out once he’d managed about halfway down, chocolate dicks are both a) harder and b) colder than your standard flesh penis. Even the most rock-solid erection can’t compete with thick milk chocolate filled with hazlenuts and praline: it just doesn’t have the same rigidity. So after a few attempts, and a little bit of eye-watering, we both admitted defeat (him more graciously than me – I was pretty determined) and settled down to eat it instead.

It was, obviously, fucking delicious. I hope I am not insulting the creator here by comparing it to other no-doubt inferior chocolate, but there’s something of the Ferrero Rocher about it, because it’s such a classic hazlenut-and-chocolate combo. It’s rich, and it’s quality: that’s the important thing. And this I think is what distinguishes this from any other sex-shaped food I’ve ever come across: usually the shape is the first consideration and the chocolate is an afterthought. With Intimate Chocolate, the chocolate – flavour, texture, combination – is clearly the starting point, it’s just that they then decided to shape it into something really beautiful and hot.

There’s also a lot of it, as evidenced by the image at the end of this post which is the amount of chocolate dick I still had left in my fridge after my mate had gone home. Gotta say, I’ve been enjoying occasionally nibbling at it like a luxury Emperor and making it last as long as possible. If you look closely, you can still see the sticky finger marks from where we passed it back-and-forth in between bites.

Who’s the target audience for a chocolate dick?

Believe it or not, when I write these sorts of posts, I do usually try to have in the back of my mind an idea of who might buy it. For this, though, barring ‘people who have specific allergies or intolerances’ I genuinely can’t think of anyone whose life wouldn’t be improved by this kind of treat.

• Buy one for a sexy party! Give it pride of place so all your guests can admire the pretty curves of it, before taking it in turns to taste it later in the evening.
• Buy one for a date! It’s not only an excellent conversation-starter, but it also means you get to share something delicious and get sticky hands that you can lick before it’s time to start fucking.
• Buy one for one of your dick-loving friends! Because nothing says ‘Happy Birthday, you luxury slut’ like an eight-inch chocolate cock adorned with 24-carat gold leaf. Or even just ‘cheer up! January is cold and sucky but you’re my friend and I love you and you deserve a sculpture that is both edible and beautiful.’
• Buy one (and this, honestly, is the thing I’m hoping most people are tempted by) instead of roses for Valentine’s Day! Seriously, a dozen roses might seem nice, but they’re expensive and they die. Can you eat them? Can you deep-throat them? Do they come enrobed in delicious milk chocolate? No. Fuck roses: buy a dick.

At the absolute least, if you catch yourself throwing money away on expensive chocolates that are not dick-shaped this Valentine’s Day, I would like you to take a brief pause to question whether the person receiving them might more reasonably prefer the alternative. That’s my way of saying I certainly would.

Visit Intimate Chocolate, buy something for yourself, a friend, or a lover, and remember that from now on, for this and every Valentine’s Day: roses are over. We’re all about the dick.

The Afrodite was provided to me for free (PINCH ME) by the amazing people at Intimate Chocolate. They sponsor my website, so if you buy their delicious products (WHICH YOU SHOULD) you are directly supporting my work (AND EATING DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE DICK), and I am extremely grateful to you.