Girl on the Net

It’s that time again! I’m welcoming back Luke – aka @Beardynoise – to deliver the third instalment of the Wankonomicon. In volume 1 of the Wankonomicon he detailed danger wanks, business wanks and procrasturbation. Volume II covered luxury wanks and more. Today, Luke is taking an in-depth look at one of my personal faves – the bedtime wank – alongside workplace wanks and exorcism wanks. Enjoy! 

Hello again, wank devotees! I hope you’ve all been having a suitably onanistically enjoyable week and are feeling revved-up and excited to join me in delving into the mysterious world of masturbation, a hubristic attempt to document every single type of wank that humanity has ever performed whilst also providing whimsically entertaining notes and some sommelier-like recommendations for fun new toys to do it with. They say that attempting such a task might leave a man mad, and it’s quite possible – but the mental health waiting list in my borough of London is about six months long, so getting a professional’s opinion is going to have to wait.

Think of me as scholar, expanding upon the different types of masturbatory enjoyment that we can all enjoy! But also the maitre-d at your favourite restaurant who, instead of telling you that the salmon is particularly good today and to try it with a charming new Riesling, gives you bespoke sex toy pairings that might tickle your fancy.

Let’s throw open the grimoire and see what awaits us in THE WANKONOMICON: VOLUME THREE – the bedtime wank, exorcism wank and workplace wank…

The Bedtime Wank (Aka ‘Nature’s Night Nurse’ aka ‘Goodnight Sweetheart’)

As a frequent sufferer of insomnia, I can tell you that it’s absolutely fucking shit. There’s nothing as awful as lying awake at night, tossing and turning, unable to coax one’s body into restfulness. There are all sorts of techniques one can employ – mindfulness, meditation, scrolling through your phone for an hour because you’re already awake. One more option exists, though, and it’s easily the best. I am, of course, talking about masturbation. The bedtime wank is a lot of fun, and the post-orgasm endorphin release often helps you drift off to a (sometimes slightly sticky) sleep with the satisfaction of a job well done. Everybody wins!

For a a self-loving nightcap I recommend something simple to use and preferably not too involved – you want to get off without becoming so active in the buildup that you wind up making yourself more awake, after all. In this vein I am recommending a time-honoured Fleshlight classic – the Flight Pilot – that has the advantage of being in a black case, so you won’t get distracted by bright colours, and asked GotN to choose a toy in a similar vein. Once she’d shrieked an enthusiastic ‘FUCK YEAH I LOVE THE FLIGHT PILOT’ she suggested the Rabbit Company’s beaded rabbit, because she literally went on a quest to try and find the rabbit vibrator she liked most. But it’s pricey, so you may want to try a cheaper option like this basic-but-does-the-job silicone rechargeable rabbit.

The Exorcism Wank (Aka ‘Expelling Your Demons’ aka ‘The Sickness Wank’)

The exorcism wank is one of the few upsides to feeling physically unwell. Regardless of what’s ailing you, you’re probably going to want to get yourself off eventually – I find enlisting a partner when you’re sick is difficult to do because you’re often physically gross with all the mucus and oozing and so on. Whilst I found my incredibly hideous swollen tonsils last summer to be grotesquely fascinating, they weren’t exactly bursting with erotic appeal. It’s also ethically dicey, because what if you’re infectious? Nobody wants to be the sexy version of Typhoid Mary. Unless you’re going to a ‘sexy plagues’ themed party.

However, few things are as good for a sickness as a nice healthy wank (note: I am not a doctor, though I did once play one in a film. Do not try and treat any sickness with just masturbation). You get that endorphin rush of orgasm, and depending on how your body works you also might expel a bunch of stuff, which is very satisfying when you can feel like you’re literally spaffing out your sickness.

I’m quite an aggressive patient when I’m sick, necking my medications with the kind of fervor and obsession with righteous fire that you see in the more wacky kind of religious zealot, so I have adopted a similarly temperature-focused theme with my sex toy prescriptions (again, I am not a doctor) here, which are a heating lube that’ll give you that spicy genital tingle you crave and a glass toy in the shape of a chili pepper. Glass is great for temperature play, you can warm it up with hot water or your hands, or put it in the freezer for a nice tingly chill. I’ve gone for one in the shape of a chili because 1) I love to reward novelty and it’s very on-theme and 2) glass toys with very specific points like the tip of this spicy toy are absolutely mind-blowing when it comes to targeting G or P spots for heavy stimulation.

The Workplace Wank

This is arguably a subtype of the danger wank (see the Wankonomicon Volume 1) as it’s being performed in a space where interruption is possible (and potentially extremely professionally hazardous) but I think it deserves its own classification as, let’s face it, it’s a thing that happens. Working is actually very boring, and frequently awful. And as human beings we are often inclined to let our minds wander to more fun, sexier thoughts. Please note, though, that you should only indulge in a workplace wank if you are not impacting on other people: don’t do it where/when anyone can overhear, and absolutely do NOT leave any mess behind. Don’t be this guy.

Maybe you start thinking about the sexy builders on the scaffolding over the road, or how good it’s going to be to see your partner tonight. Maybe there’s something oddly erotic about the lack of air conditioning and humid atmosphere. Maybe you’re sexting someone. Maybe you dunked your rich tea biscuit and then it looked like an extremely erotic pair of boobs. Whatever happened to get you there, you are at work. And you are Unbearably Horny. But one option remains: sneaking off to the loos for quiet, stealthy, desperate relief.

A quick, informal, and largely unscientific survey of people I know (data scientists, avert your eyes : the dreaded anecdotal data is rearing its ugly head) revealed that about 60% of people I know have snuck off to the toilets for some cheeky personal time.

When it comes to toy choices for this, options are… somewhat limited. You don’t really want to be sneaking a sex toy into the office, after all – luckily, you can get some pretty stealthy toys these days! There’s a whole subtype of bullet vibrators designed to look like lipsticks, like the Mia and toys that could, at a pinch, pass for a novelty item like this one from Linx that looks like a tennis ball.

Ending on a perilous note, that’s volume three of the Wankonomicon all wrapped up! Remember, everyone, whether it’s a bedtime wank or a workplace one, always wank responsibly and safely, and as those familiar with the Wankconomicon will know, this list is by nature incomplete: whilst I’ve done a lot of wanking, and also find it a frequent topic of discussion, as an able-bodied and male identified penis possessor, it’s literally impossible for me to experience every type of wank. Which is why the noble and valiant recommendations by fellow students of wanking are so important – if there’s a type of masturbatory delight you’re yet to see chronicled here, let us know in the comments below!

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