At this year’s Eroticon, there was a table covered in what I can only describe as a rainbow of dildos. In a huge variety of colours, with gorgeous designs and occasionally beautiful things actually encased in the silicone. The company, Godemiche, is run by Adam and Monika, who are not only geniuses but they’re super-passionate about dildo-making.
I squealed and marvelled at their amazing creations, then eventually asked if it was possible to make a dildo with my logo in it, because I am a professional blogger now, so I have to consider my #brand. They are dildo scientists, so the answer was ‘of course’, and a couple of weeks later I’m the proud owner of a super-cool handmade custom dildo. And you can win it, because I am nice like that and I like running weird competitions. See below to find out how it could be yours…
Win a custom dildo
Complete this sentence: ‘If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make…’ in fewer than 50 words, and leave your answer in comments.
So, for example:
- If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo that doubles up as a light sabre so I could battle Darth Vader.
- If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo with my name on it so my girlfriend wouldn’t keep nicking mine when she goes away for the weekend.
- If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo in the shape of a donkey penis because reasons and ssh and it’s none of your business.
Etc etc. They can be funny, romantic, ingenious, run-totally-contrary-to-the-laws-of-physics, whatever. The only rules that apply are these:
- You must be over 18, and have an address in the UK that I can send the prize to you if you win (sorry gang, it’s expensive for me to post dildos outside the UK).
- You must use a real email address when you log your comment, so I can contact you if you win. For the ease of administering this comp, any comments that aren’t entries will be deleted – if you have any questions you can contact me or Godemiche on Twitter.
- You must be happy for me to use your suggestion in promotion of the comp.
- Closing date for comments is the 22nd July (midnight, UK time) and voting will open on the 25th July, then close at midnight on 1st August.
- By entering, you confirm that you’re over 18 and that you’re happy for me to use your email address for the purposes of administering the comp (i.e. letting you know if you won or lost). You won’t be announced as the winner unless I get your express permission, and your email address will stay private, but feel free to use a throwaway if you’re unsure.
When all the comments are in, we (i.e. me, Adam and Monika) will judge which are the best, and we’ll put the best 5 to a vote. Voting will last a week, and the winner will get a unique, GOTN-branded custom dildo, so you can literally sit on my face. Or strap me on and use me to shag someone. Or give me to your partner for Christmas. It’s a talking point.
The custom dildo prize
If you want to find out more about the process of making hand-crafted silicone dildos, check out the Godemiche Twitter feed @GSilicone, where they post cool updates on their latest projects and pictures of dildo science as it’s happening. You can search ‘godemiche’ on Snapchat where they do fun updates into all their behind-the-scenes dildo science or sign up to their newsletter via their website – they email special offers and cool new designs when they become available. Like this amazing pearlescent design.
The GOTN custom dildo is made from different colours of silicone, swirled together to create the overall marble effect. Then once that has set, the laser-cut acrylic GOTN logo (custom-made by Black Heart Creatives, who are also incredible) was placed into the base. Then transparent silicone was poured over the top to cover and seal it. The finished product is made of silicone (so body safe, obviously, because the logo is encased in the silicone, and you should use it with a water-based lube).
Pretty amazing, right?
Full disclosure (did I get paid to write this?)
No. Godemiche didn’t pay me anything to write this blog or promote them. I just think they’re fucking awesome. And they made me a BRANDED DILDO. That should be enough to warrant all of you going and buying incredible stuff from them, right? If you’re wavering on dildos themselves and want something a bit extra, why not try this actual, literal fuck stick? That’s what I’m saving up for.
Win a GOTN custom dildo
Meanwhile, if you want a totally unique custom dildo, just enter the competition in the comments below…
“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make…”
64 Comments
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a point of watching where I sat down in my dildo laboratory ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a dildo that can be customised to fit depending on how I’m a’feelin’ today. A little bit longer? A little bit thicker? Let’s give a banana boner a go this evening. A dildo/animatronix combo is what I’m looking for.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make two shelves for accepted and rejected model designs marked “Dildos” and “Dildon’ts
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a holo-protector on the end to display your perfect lover using it, be it man, woman, or Sonic the Hedgehog.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a dildo that changed colour depending on my mood. Black = ‘rough fucking is coming’. Pastel green = ‘sweet sweet lovemaking’, bright red = ‘oh jesus nooooo!!!’ etc.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make one with a sound chip that says “No, it looks fine down there, and there’s nothing funny about the smell”
Naturally, I’d make this very loud, with no way to lower the volume.
Because that’d be funny.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make the perfect fucking machine first so i’d be able to identify relative dildo performance
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make one that jizzes when you’ve made your kegel target for the session. Fun and rewarding!
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make one with a stand composed of two large hairy feet and call it the “Dildo Baggins”.
If I were a dido scientist, I would create a dido that would sense when I was coming close to climax based on my vagina tightening up or pulsing. Once I reach that point of cumming it would change its rhythm to make me cum hard or even squirt and it won’t stop. The reason being it that when I get to climaxing I shiver or weaken out and can’t keep playing to orgasm hard. :o)
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make one out of glitter so I could sparkle inside and out!
If I were a dido scientist I’d make a dildo that shoots rainbows when I cum.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo that could be used as a flask so I could have a cup of tea afterwards😁
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d need a double-blind trial, a control group, and strict peer review.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make one with lube dispenser inside it, to ensure I never have to stop for more lube at inconvenient moments… (and also, it would be rainbow silicone inside, with free moving glitter beneath the clear silicone top layer, a bit like those pens with floating things in the barrel)
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a size chanagble , colour changing dildo because each day is different and requirements change daily .today I want hard and thick tomorrow I might require less girth more length and I may feel blue not red..
Soldier is dildo!! Omg..I blame wine and phones
Haha, don’t worry – I will edit. Bloody great suggestion too =)
If I was a dildo scientist I’d make a clear dildo full of glittery liquid and dildo confetti inside like a fuckable snow globe that you can use as decor as well.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make friends with people who make quadcopters and drones, so I could build a squadron of flying dildos to patrol the skies.
If I were a dildo scientist, I would spend my days with cocks in my hands, mouth and arse for “research purposes”.
I know I said no comments except comp entries, but I just wanted to add something to say: YOU ARE ALL AMAZING. I am so utterly delighted with all your suggestions so far, and spent a merry half-hour reading them out to a couple of friends who were simultaneously wetting themselves laughing and going ‘OMG YES – someone should patent that’. Keep ’em coming, and thank you all who’ve entered so far!
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make the squirmiest shape-changing magic rod with self-cleaning maintenance abilities, camouflage-able to sit and solar charge on any windowsill and with a reminder function that says ‘I’m here’ at times of stress when its human is forgetful.
If I were a dido scientist I would make sure I was always introduced as such at parties, on TV etc
If I were a dildo scientist, I would make a way of utilising quantum superposition and Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, so the dildo could be in two holes at once, and when you know you’re coming, you don’t know where you are!
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d quantum-entangle it with my genitalia so that whatever affects their state affects the state of the dildo at the same time!
(I don’t actually want to win, since I wouldn’t have a good use for it, but I couldn’t resist pitching in some nerdy physics thoughts!)
If I were a dildo scientist, I would spice up the conversation about ‘what I’m doing with my life’ at family parties no end…
If I were a dido scientist I’d make a dildo that could be bent into different angles, just like a barbie doll leg :)
If I were a dildo scientist, I would spend a lot of time investigating the success of her music. Hang on, that’s a Dido scientist.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo with a food compartment because snacks
If I were a dildo scientist I’d design a dildo that has inbuilt glitter lube so I can cum in beautiful glittery rainbows, it would also have a tracker of some type so I can set and reach my orgasm target each week!
If I were a dildo scientist I would invent a device that would be like a curved fuckstick so I could use a dildo on a dude while he’s on top of me. *heart eyes emoji* Godemiche please I’m begging you I need this in my life/my boyfriend’s butt.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make sure my company was based in Dildo, Newfoundland.
If I were a Dildo scientist I would totally design a dildo that’s green and works as a NERF Pumpgun. Why green? Well cause those are the ones you use for zombies! I could finally make my amateur zombie porn and call it: “Cum, Cunt und Zombies”
But aside that it would also connect to my husbands phone and everytime I’m done it would display a cheeky voice message like “She’s done it again!”… well and of course the zombie hit count… just to annoy him that my stats are waaaay higher then his!
Would also be nice though to have a voice recorder inside so my guy can record all the filthy stuff he normally grunts in my cunt when he’s down there…
Oh and I take the glitter too!!!
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make … ‘a stand against the shame of dildo ownership and use. I’d encourage people of all genders to celebrate, to take to the streets waving their dildos high, proudly exclaiming: “I enjoy this being inserted into my orifice(s)!’
Alternately:
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a sustained effort to work alongside human scientists to push back the boundaries of ignorance, tackle climate change, develop nuclear fusion and solve problems of lubing once and for all. All despite my lack of opposable thumbs.
If were a dildo scientist i’d make a dildo that was absolutely attuned to my needs. Just like my cat knows exactly when I need hugs, my attuned dildo would send me alerts when it knows I really need it’s attention x
If I were a dildo scientist I’d research dildos tirelessly, big ones, little ones -with other willing subjects but mostly on myself like the best of scientists in history have .
It’s a tough job buy somebody has to do it 😋
If i were a dildo scientist I would make a beautiful dick with piercings and a tattoo design on the balls
If I were a dildo scientist I would make a dildo that could predict my wife’s mood, have a headache relieving attachment, a bed warmer and be silent enough that the neighbours wouldn’t hear it (and not wake the kids), but loud enough to keep her awake.
Having incorporated all of the above into a budget priced toy I would then move on to inventing a Monthly Cycle Disabling Switch!!
Right, I’ll play along.
If I were a dildo scientist, I would design one which you can adjust to fit the spec of your genitalia.
If I were a dildo scientist, I would create a dildo that would pleasure both the pussy and the mind.
If I were a dido scientist I would make an Eroticon special. It would be as forthrightly sexy as GOTN, as erudite and knowlegeable as Remittance Girl, as tooled up as Domsigns and as downright filthy as on eBay of Ashley Lister’s limerics.
No idea how Ebay sneaked in!
If I were a dildo scientist I would make a dildo attached to a harness by a motor so it could fuck whilst you did other things.
If I were a dildo scientist, I would have a collection of replica didos of past lovers. Since I could use the I’m doing it for science excuse.
If I were a Dildo scientist I’d add the squeaker from a squeaky toy to make every. kegel. funny. And for good measure throw in a pencil sharpener butt plug.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a moveable motorized tentacle dildo, that can be controlled via PC
If I were a dildo scientist I should hope no one tells about lava lamps
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a dildo based on my boyfriend’s cock, so when I fuck HIS arse he knows how it feels for me.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d give my dildo timpani.
If I was a dildo scientist I would incorpate an auto pizza ordering facility 15mins after orgasm for post fun munchies.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d be constantly frustrated trying to buy a lab coat which fits when I’m eight inches tall, made of silicone and have no arms.
Also, if I were a dildo scientist, I’d name all of my creations after early 2000’s nu-metal bands: SlipCock, Papa Choad, Limpin Pork etc etc.
If I were a dildo scientist, I would mount them on Harley Davidsons to find the perfect rumble to run right to the tip.
If I was a dildo scientists, I would make a dildo pokedex aka dildodex and use it to collect all the dildos out there.
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a twisted sparkly dildo and strap in to my forehead. I want to be a unicorn with the horn and make people come hard over the rainbow 🦄
*strap it to my forehead* 😂
OMG unicorn emoji!!!! <3
If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make one that actually doubled up as something else, like a pen, so no-one looked at you funny for having it at work. For those occasions when you just need to brighten the day by sticking something up your cunt and then going back to your desk.
If I were a dildo scientist I would make a dildo that generates electricity when you use it.
If I were a dildo scientist I would have hip flask dildo.
If I were a dildo scientist I’d make ….. well…. Hmmm…..I’d make a pretty good one, I wouldn’t need a real man ever again!
If I were a dildo scientist, I would struggle to get government funding.
If I was a dildo scientist, I would take my work home with me.
If I were a dildo scientist I would make pairs of vibrating dildo underwear that are both descreet and enjoyable. So if your son or daughter or whomever walks in on you, it will just look like you are lying in bed.