There’s never a bad time to hear this, right? You deserve to be loved. I don’t mean, in a basic way, that you as an individual are entitled to romantic love, or sex or companionship or whatever: those things can only be given freely, if other individuals choose. I mean that you deserve to be treated with love, by those who say they feel it. You deserve to be loved by them in practice, not just words.
If you’re in a relationship right now and your partner has recently hurt you: they yelled at you in anger and it made you afraid, or they kissed someone else at a party without thinking of the pain that kiss might cause… perhaps they lied to you about something significant, and now you can’t believe them when they say they’re really sorry… you probably aren’t feeling very loved right now.
I’m here to tell you: you deserve to be.
Love is not just a feeling. The rush of glee when somebody invites you on a date or on holiday or proposes marriage. The warm tingle of excitement when their name pops up in your phone. The safety and comfort when they hold you in their arms. Those are sometimes signs of love, for sure. But actual love, real love, the kind of love that matters… that’s a verb.
Love is not just a feeling: love is a thing that you do.
It’s waking up every morning and considering how best to make you crack a smile. It’s holding space for you when you need to vent at the end of a terrible day. Sometimes love means planning a kickass threesome or driving fifty miles out of their way to bring tablets when you’re sick. Love comes round to watch the baby when you’re so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. It cooks you dinner and listens to your woes. Love holds your hand as you stare down despair – it doesn’t dismiss you, telling you it’ll all be fine and you should plaster on a smile. Love doesn’t abandon you in the darkness: it stands with you until things look brighter, or shines a light to help you get back home.
Love is a verb. You can’t just say it, you have to actively do it. Love means choosing, in moments of anger, not to lash out and cause hurt. It means refraining from drinking so much you black out, because you don’t want to worry those who care about you. Love means saying ‘no’ to the hot person who fancies you, saying ‘yes’ when your loved one needs help. Love means summoning every ounce of your courage and speaking honestly, even if the truth is tough to say aloud.
And it’s hard, right? Love. Feeling it is easy, whether it’s romantic or friendship or familial love. If someone makes you feel warm and safe and happy, nurturing the feeling of love is so simple and full of joy that it doesn’t seem like any work at all. But the practice of love is hard. Reaffirming it, every day, by making choices for the good of those we love and refraining from selfishness or cowardice. We all fuck it up sometimes. Tell a stupid lie or say something ill-considered when anger rushes over us. Do something on impulse that makes us happy, without thinking about our loved ones who’ll deal with the ripples of consequence.
No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But remember the rule? You deserve to be loved. These mistakes should not become habits.
It’s reasonable to expect those who say they love us to actively practice love. To learn and grow. Not make one mistake after another and another even when they know those things will hurt. Love is not just a word you roll out to complement an apology: anyone can say ‘I love you’, after all. True love doesn’t live in someone’s words but in their actions. If you find yourself being treated badly over and over again… well. I’m so sorry to bear such bad news, but you aren’t being loved.
You deserve to be.
When we think of love, usually we get wrapped up in the romantic kind. The love you might get from a boyfriend or a spouse. But you don’t need to have those connections yourself: your friends and family, too, should love you in practice and not just in words. Text you to check in if they know you’re feeling unhappy. Offer a hug or a listening ear. Remember your birthday, if you care about that sort of thing, or send you takeaway, perhaps, if you’re ill and too tired to cook. Tell you hard truths if you really need to hear them. Support you when you’re struggling, celebrate your wins.
They shouldn’t shut you up or make you feel small. Lie to you or belittle you or dismiss the things that matter deeply to you. All of this is love in practice too. Holding space for you and doing their best to make sure you feel safe within that. Love in practice means making sure that those you love feel comfortable around you: showing them they can trust you, and working to ensure that you remain worthy of that trust.
Love doesn’t hurt you on purpose. Love does not repeatedly make selfish choices that will damage you physically or emotionally. It doesn’t yell at you, or lie to you, or gaslight you or tell you you’re worthless. Love doesn’t vote for someone who doesn’t believe you’re a person. Love does not sit hand in hand with those who hate you. Love should do its best to lift you up.
Love might make mistakes, sure. But actively practicing love means learning from those mistakes, not making them over and over and then wheeling out ‘I love you’ with ‘I’m sorry’.
No one is entitled to companionship or romantic love or sex, but if those around you say that they love you, it’s their job to show that. With actions, not just words. If they repeatedly lie to, dismiss, hurt, belittle, gaslight, or make you feel afraid, then you are not being loved.
So if you find yourself sitting on the sofa, or in a bar, or at a family dinner with someone who tells you they love you but repeatedly makes you feel bad, ask yourself: what does their love look like in practice? Does it mean supporting your dreams, helping with your struggles, treating you with honesty and kindness? Or are their loving words just a smokescreen? Rolled out to complement an apology or compel you to paint on a smile?
If you’re feeling unloved and lost, I cannot make the people around you see sense. But I can tell you, at the very least, that if those who say they love you can’t show that love through their actions, they shouldn’t get to use the words. And you don’t have to listen.
You deserve to be loved.
And you’re allowed to walk away.
Sad times at GOTN HQ right now, team. Sorry about that. If you want to hear an audio version of this piece, I read it for Patreons last week. I mention this because now’s the best possible time to join me on Patreon – at the start of December I send out Christmas cards to you all to say thanks for supporting the audio porn project. This year you can also get extra fun freebies if you’re at a $6-or-up tier: decals that say ‘fuck me like you mean it’ or ‘touch me, yeah like that’ which you can iron on to pants/t-shirts/other fabric items of your choice. And if you take out an annual subscription before the end of November, you get the maximum possible discount (16% off a year’s membership). Feels weird to do a sales pitch at the end of this emo blog post, I know. But annoyingly, even as life knocks ten shades of shit out of me, I do still have many bills to pay.
