I don’t want your unsolicited nudes or dick pics, but I do appreciate a good nude or dick pic offer from a guy I already know. The generosity of men often blows me the fuck away, and over the last six months or so, kind horny dudes have occasionally sent me shudderingly sexy messages which say something along the lines of: would you like a dick pic? Usually when someone offers nudes, a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ won’t quite suffice…

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One of the inherent difficulties with dating blog readers (and I should note here that I have not done much of it) is that by the time you’ve asked GOTN on a date, there is very very little I can do to make you not want to fuck GOTN. I can turn up, as I always do, looking like a bag of shit. I can get messy drunk and say things that are awkward or uncool. I can sweat like a horse at the Grand National because we’re no longer in the depths of winter but I enjoy a lovely jumper nonetheless. And yet still… you’ve read my blog. You liked my blog. You enjoyed the filth I post so much that you invited me out on a date. So I have a dilemma, which is that I can never really tell if you genuinely like me, or like GOTN.

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I tiptoe into the flat through the door she’s left unlocked, because I don’t want to wake her when I get in. On the pillow in the spare bedroom, she’s left a fresh towel and two chocolates, and seeing them makes my heart burst with love. I spy from the hallway that the light is on in her room, so I can’t resist asking: “psst – you up?” I could wait till tomorrow to talk to her, but I’m brimming with eagerness now. I can spill all the details over ham and cheese croissants at breakfast, but she is awake right now, so she says “yes! Come in! Report back! Did you get alllllll the spunk?”

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If you are seeing someone on a casual basis, or you’ve agreed that you’re going to date/shag them but haven’t quite done the logistics for meeting up, how often do you message them? Are you checking in regularly to see how they’re doing, or do you consider them ‘in the bank’ and therefore probably not in need of regular contact until it comes time to meet up? What is the difference between being casual about checking in and accidentally ghosting someone?

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In my neverending quest to come up with new ways to remind you to BUY THINGS FROM MY SPONSORS PLS, I cannot quite believe I’ve never done this, the most obvious and fun thing of all. Here are some Valentine’s poems, with links to the absolutely brilliant companies that support my website. They’re here mainly as a reminder to you that every click on every link – in posts, on ads, and in tweets as well, helps me to keep doing what I do. If you like the poems, or any of the other content I write, please consider clicking these links and buying whatever sexy stuff your little heart desires – for Valentine’s Day, or any day. Cos roses are red, violets are blue, and I couldn’t do this if it weren’t for you.

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