When my partner is sad, he wilts like a plant. I can sometimes tell he’s sad, despite him putting in his best efforts to try and make me think he’s fine, and for a long time I struggled with knowing how to cheer him up. The kind words and reassurances and ‘I love you’s that usually work on me have very little effect on him. But I think I’ve cracked it now – the closest I can come to a ‘cheat code’ for love. His ‘love language’: cuddles.

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“I want to wear your knickers,” he tells me, and I’m instantly turned on – I love it when guys wear my knickers. I’m running simulations in my head: what he’ll look like in my knickers, and which pair might best show off his cock. But then he hits me with the next part… “and I want you to treat me like a silly little slut.”

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Those who’ve been reading for a while might know I’m a fan of all things sex tech. From sex robots to customisable toys to sex tech hackathons, although I’m no tech expert I will happily lay claim to the title ‘enthusiastic amateur.’ And one of the things I have longed for, for ages, is a Black-Mirror-style exploration of the ways in which tech is seeping into our sex lives. Recently someone sent me a screener link for an awesome film that does exactly that, and it’s fucking exceptional. Let me tell you a little bit about Cam.

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As a cisgender person, it’s hard to talk about trans rights in the UK without sounding either like a patronising arse (of course trans people should be able to access their rights! Don’t you realise trans people are people too?) or like I’m fishing for some kind of medal (of course trans people should be able to access their rights! Where’s my cookie?). As a result, I end up doing a weird fudge where I retweet links to things like the GRA consultation without ever writing about it in depth, because all the words I bash out onto the page seem like arsery or medal-fishing. But there are only a few days left to fill out the GRA consultation, and this is one of those rare opportunities where you get to spend a little bit of time making a tangible difference to something important, so here goes.

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What do you get if you take six masturbation sheaths, two pairs of hands, a blindfold and a bottle of lube? Well, apart from ‘an excellent Saturday night’ you also get to learn some surprising new things about what makes a good stroker. Regular readers will know that I’m on a neverending quest to gather every possible piece of data on how to pleasure a dick. So naturally, strokers are one of my favourite sex toys. Having tested out a variety of them – from the Rolls-Royce pricey strokers to simpler, bargain strokers and even stroking machines I’ve customised myself – the time was ripe to inject a bit of science into the selection. Welcome to the Bargain Stroker Blind Wank Test.

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