I took him by the hand and led him through the kitchen, then along the hallway and to the bottom of the stairs. I stood up on one step, smiled at him, then wrapped both of my arms around him in a giant hug. “This is what it feels like when you hug me,” I told him. “And this is why I love your hugs.”

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Behold, internet gang: I bring you sex toy news from across the sea. Recently I travelled to Hannover for the sex industry trade show Erofame. If you’ve never heard of Erofame before, I can sum it up by telling you that it is basically a giant warehouse full of sex toys, and a bunch of friendly people who are very keen to sell them. Most of the people there were either buyers or sellers, so I felt a little like the weird girl who’d turned up armed with nothing but a camera phone and a penchant for bumming. But I guess that’s appropriate, because it’s exactly what I am. Read on to see some of the most interesting things I spotted at Erofame, including gooey bath liquid that you can roll around and fuck in, a slow-motion video of the most terrifying sex toy on Earth, and a penguin that sucked off my clit. Ready? Let’s go.

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The other day I spent a lovely couple of hours listening to men wanking. It was obscenely fun. Dudes pleasuring themselves is one of my biggest kinks, and the more gutturally raw it is, the better. It’s often tricky to explain the detail of this kink, in a world where ‘porn’ is too often synonymous with the male gaze: a perspective that focuses on the bodies/faces/noises of the women involved in a fuck, and rarely ever on the bodies/faces/noises of the men doing the fucking. Sometimes what looks like a ‘traditional’ male-gaze thing gives excellent opportunity for a voyeur like me. I’m not getting off to the same thing the guys are, I’m getting off to the fact they’re getting off. Let’s explore this…

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Although there’s a part of me that wishes I could be more chilled-out, there’s another – much bigger – part that craves efficiency in everything. I want to cut down on time spent doing unnecessary shit, mainly to make more time for fucking. Bottom line: I am a very busy slag, and I thought I’d share some of my time-saving sex tips with you.

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Sometimes the best compliments are the ones you least expect. Mine came out of the blue about 4:30 on a rainy Saturday afternoon, while we were having a massive argument. Well, not exactly. We were fuming in the silent aftermath of a massive argument – each getting on with our own thing and wondering if we could pull this shit together before the evening began and we realised we wanted to be friends again.

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