I have a giant Twitter crush. In fact, I have more than one giant Twitter crush. The problem with Twitter is that it is a window into the sexiest thing about someone: their mind. The extra problem with Twitter is that it’s a curated space – people use their Twitter accounts to tell jokes and stories, or post funny pictures of weird things they’ve done. In short: it’s a place where all the guys I would usually fancy get to show off the things I am most attracted to.

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Relationships are often full of uncertainty. We meet someone we like, we fall for them, and we wonder – what exactly are they to me? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Fuck buddy? Lover? Person-I’m-dating-temporarily? The good people – the ones who are decent and kind and open and trustworthy – will either know what you are or they’ll help you work it out. You’ll have those giggling deep conversations over a bottle of wine or a pot of coffee at 8 am, and you’ll say:

“What are we, exactly? Lovers, fuck buddies, boyfriends or…?”

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“Remember how you used to sniff my knickers while you had a wank?”

“Yep.”

“Do you still do that?”

“Nope.”

And thus my heart was broken.

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Before I suck dick, I take out my lip ring. I haven’t always done this – some guys used to enjoy the extra sensation, so I’d leave it in. Others felt it made very little difference – a blow job’s a blow job, right? – so I wouldn’t bother taking it out before I began. But my current partner prefers his blow jobs au naturel, so I take out my lip ring. And in doing so, I’ve inadvertently managed to achieve a bizarre sexual ambition.

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Woo! Start of the week! That means you get to throw all last week’s mistakes into the bin and be reborn as a better person. That’s what I like to think, at any rate. In ‘two things‘ this week we’re starting with the good stuff: a competition in which you can win a Doxy die cast, as well as £100 to spend on more amazing sexy things. Then we’ll move on to something that annoyed me: the McVities ‘girls’ night in’ advert.

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