Category Archives: Unsolicited advice
Sometimes intimacy means taking risks (and accepting them)
It’s late in the evening, and we’ve already shagged once. The kind of sex that left my legs so trembly I felt it in my thighs as we walked down the street to get dinner. Idly wondering, as we made our way there, if passers-by could tell by my messy hair and unsteady gait that I’d just been thoroughly fucked. We went for pints and food. Played pub Jenga on a table outside. I sipped my cider and perved on him shamelessly: enjoying the view of his steady hands carefully pulling bricks from the rickety tower, the way his t-shirt stretched against his taut arms as he reached up to place them on top. Fixating on how the collar opened slightly to flash of the edge of his sexy tattoo.
How To Build A Sex Room is actually really good
Have you watched Netflix’s How To Build A Sex Room? Episode one is not indicative of the show overall, so if you’ve only watched the first it might be worth sticking with it. When I first settled down to watch it, I was deeply frustrated by its giggly, sex-is-a joke attitude. Not to mention the fact that they didn’t do what they’d promised us in the title they would: show us How To Build A Sex Room. The programme was lacking in all the details a horny amateur DIY enthusiast would need, such as how to determine which fixings to use for mount points (they call them ‘hard points’ which I think is less sexy) and which fabrics give the best attractive-yet-wipe-clean finish. BUT. I stuck with it, because I like watching people talk about kink equipment, and now I’m here to tell you all that How To Build A Sex Room is actually fucking GREAT.
You’ve got an exceptional dick, please use it wisely
Listen up, my friend. Come closer. I have something very important to tell you. Your dick is fucking fantastic. Really, truly outstanding. Since the first time I grasped it through the fabric of your boxers I knew: this dick will work wonders. It’s a memorable cock. It literally sparks fucking joy. That same dick can also, I assure you, break hearts. So I’m gonna say something that I do not say to everyone: you’ve got an exceptional dick, please use it wisely.
The man who will not text me back
“There is absolutely no way he’ll text me back,” I tell my friends, the day after an extremely hot date. I can’t really explain why I’m so convinced of this, but I am. In fact, so certain am I that he’ll wake up tomorrow and realise he’s made a mistake that I ask him – while we’re on the date – if I can take a picture to show people how hot the man I shagged was. In case, you know, I never see him again. This is very impolite of me, but he’s game so we take pictures. When I show one of my friends a shot of him – kissing me on the cheek, while I grin inanely to camera – my mate laughs and tell me: “you look like you’ve won a contest.”
Water and one other thing
Drinking water is pretty miraculous, isn’t it? It’s delicious and refreshing in the morning – a lovely little wake-up treat. It’s a calming joy before bedtime, hydrating and nourishing you without adding caffeine or sugar that might keep you awake for too long. A glass or bottle of water is a good thing to hold while you’re chatting – you can sip on it to punctuate a sentence or fill a silent gap. And best of all… it’s fucking GOOD FOR YOU! Not only are you allowed to have it whenever you want, but 100% of doctors agree that we need it in order to live.