I shave my legs every couple of weeks. My armpits more frequently – maybe once or twice each week. I pluck my eyebrows when I spot a stray hair, and get them threaded when I can brave the salon. Then occasionally I cover my neck, chest and stomach in hair removal cream, lie on the bathroom floor like a melting snowman, and wait for the hair to burn off. I have PCOS, and Sisyphus has nothing on me.

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In case you hadn’t seen it from literally every sex toy company you follow on social media (what do you mean you don’t follow sex toy companies on social media? Go follow some of my sponsor companies, immediately!) May is Masturbation Month. For wankers like me, that means it’s the same as any other month, only we have to write content to hit the specific keyword ‘Masturbation Month’ or we’ll get beaten in Google searches by terrible magazine articles that offer wanking tips you already knew. ANYWAY. In my quest for Masturbation Month material, I thought I’d write you a list of some of my favourite kinds of wank.

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I often joke that I’m ‘lazy in bed’, but I’ve never really considered what I mean by that. Someone asked me recently to explain it, so I thought I’d have a go. And like many of the assumptions we make about sex, sometimes examining the belief reveals a truth that’s far more interesting.

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In which I try to write about the newest sex toy in my collection – the Zumio – without having to run back to my bedroom for another quick go on it just to ‘check’ it’s as cool as I think it is.

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“You’re such a fucking weirdo,” he tells me, in that deeply affectionate tone which is the only one you can legitimately use when you’re calling someone a fucking weirdo. “You spend all your time either nostalgic for the past, or panicking about the future.”

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