Today I’m thinking about butter. Which is, I know, not the ideal lube. Especially if you’re vegan.

But today I’m thinking about butter for lube.

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…and the answers made me weep tears of joy. A couple of weeks ago, the lovely people at Godemiche (who make an incredible range of cool dildos) gave me a handmade, custom dildo to give away. To enter, all people had to do was complete the sentence:

‘If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make…’ 

We had some hilarious, beautiful and ingenious answers. Below is a selection of highlights, as well as the five runners-up. Please vote for your favourite, and the person with the most votes at midnight on Monday 1st August will receive the gorgeous custom dildo pictured above.

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This blog post – part 2 in a series of… hmm… I’m not sure how many yet – talks about some mental health stuff, including Dark Thoughts and general misery. If that’s likely to disturb you please don’t read on. 

When you’re mad, you’re allowed to say the word ‘mad’ – at least in your own head. You’re allowed to tell yourself: ‘don’t think like that, it’s mad. That’s what got you here in the first place.’ When you’re mad, you’re taught to examine your thoughts carefully – writing them down if necessary – so you can pick over the alien carcass of insanity that your brain has spat out. Pulling the meat (‘I’m worried I can’t have sex’) from the bones that you’re meant to identify and discard (‘If I can’t have sex I may as well die’).

I am being medicated into compliance. 

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Here’s fun: SSRIs. Also referred to as ‘anti-depressants’, although sometimes used for things on top of/combined with depression. I’ve talked a bit before about my anxiety – specifically the way in which anxiety affects how I fuck. It’s a massive pain in the arse, and it’s not exactly the kind of thing I can easily dismiss by choosing not to care about it.

Still. I’m here, and I’m not too bad most of the time, so I’m lucky.

But I’m also on pills, and I fucking hate them with every fibre of my being.

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Bonus guest blog today! Sarah Beilfuss is one of the co-founders of Scarlet Ladies Talk, running regular events aimed at normalising the conversation around female sexuality. Last month other co-founder Jannette wrote a gorgeous post about learning to love her breasts, and this guest post tells a similar personal story about learning to enjoy your body and your sexuality. It’s awesome.

This blog is part of a sponsored series by Scarlet Ladies Talk, so if you like it please go and check out their website  and sign up for their newsletter. They run loads of really cool events, the next one of which, on 29th July, includes live sensual massage. They’ve also just launched a free ebook – the Scarlet Ladies Guide To Solo Sex, which collates tips from experts on different masturbation techniques. Or, as the Scarlet Ladies put it, “how to wank yourself into heaven.”

Meanwhile, enjoy this gorgeous guest blog.

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