Category Archives: The human body
Teenage kicks versus having sex in your thirties
As a certified grumpy bastard, I can tell you that it’s always much easier to be negative than positive. As someone with access to web stats I can also tell you that if you want to get clicks, and you’re not writing porn, you’re always better to be critical than optimistic. I’m throwing all that out of the window today, though, because of a conversation I had the other day that went a little something like this:
“Know what’s brilliant?”
“What?”
“We could have sex now if we wanted to.”
“I’m not really in the mood, but…”
“Ah, but you don’t have to want to, you just have to appreciate how cool it is that we totally could if we wanted to.”
Sometimes I go through miserable phases when I look down at my body and think ‘huh, there are some things that have happened here that are basically irreversible.’ I worry about stretchmarks or consider the fact that I’m no longer able to do the things I did when I was eighteen. I may still be able to get my ankles behind my head to brace against the bedposts, but I’ll no longer do it without a groan of effort. I can bend over sexily, but I’ll say ‘oof’ when I get up. Cramp is not so much an occasional visitor as a permanent unwanted house guest.
But, while it’s easy (and certainly more clickbait-friendly) to snark about the negatives, it’s also worth remembering the benefits of having sex in your thirties. This post is about giving credit to all the things I often take for granted…
X-factor of sex: the finalists
Remember a couple of weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to get people to ring me and make sex noises down the phone, in order to win some cool sex toys? Well, I was right – it was an AWESOME idea, because I can now reveal the entries, and they’re brilliant. I challenge you to listen to the following clips and not spend at least a minute grinning in delight. Before we start, here’s a round-up for those who might have missed the excitement: The challenge: I asked people to record their best sex noises – funny, sexy, whatever came out when they channeled their best Meg Ryan. The winner of this X-factor of sex would get three spectacularly awesome sex toys:
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Getting head from a dominant guy
I sometimes struggle with getting head – finding it hard to get out of my comfort zone when I don’t feel any element of my own submission. But when he tells me ‘I want to taste you,’ it is not submissive. He’s not begging me for a lick that I may or may not deign to give him: he’s issuing a command. In the same way as he’s issuing a command if he tells me ‘bend over’ or ‘take off your knickers’ or – holy fuck this happened recently and it still makes me so horny I squirm – ‘squeeze that cock.’ Uttered in a breathless rush just before the grunt as he comes.
Competition: what does an orgasm sound like?
I like running unusual competitions, especially if they produce cool results – like the competition from last year where people drew visual representations of their own orgasm and came up with some awesome imagery. Or the competition the year before where people described their orgasm, and there were some beautiful stories.
We’ve done pictures, we’ve done words, this competition is about sounds.
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What do I look like getting fucked from behind?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself frequently. While it’s possible (and, indeed, hot as all hell) to watch yourself fucking in a mirror, there are some angles that are impossible to achieve, unless you happen to be shagging inside a circus attraction. What’s more, videoing something and having a permanent record of your shag, which could easily be copied/accidentally uploaded to whatever The Cloud is, isn’t always something I’m keen on doing.
So how do you do it? Well, here’s what we did.
For starters, we had three things: a phone, an iPad, and a raging horn. We set up the iPad and the phone to facetime each other. This tactic can be used not just for watching yourselves fuck from new and improved angles, it can also be used to watch one person having a wank. I know, you may prefer to be in the same room, but if like me you want to get as close as possible to the sensation of watching someone who doesn’t know you’re there, then setting up a phone in the corner of one room while you perv furtively in another can be a truly excellent bet. The other person has to know it’s there, obviously, but if they concentrate hard enough they can try and forget: making sure they’re focusing on their own pleasure rather than playing to the camera.
So, facetime. The only realistic way I could find out what I looked like getting fucked from behind, without having to actually record it. He held the phone, and I propped the iPad on a pillow in front of me before getting on my hands and knees…