I want a man to exhaust me.

I want a fuck that feels like a workout, that leaves me strained and gasping and covered in sweat. I want to shower away not just the scent of sex but the burn in my muscles.

I want to pant. I want to peel off my clothes and toss them aside and then lick the sweat off you. I want a physical, energetic, exhausting fuck.

Sexual energy

One of my exes used to take me running. Not how you’d ‘take’ someone to the theatre or for a treat, but the way you’d ‘take’ a child to the dentist: kicking, screaming, and sulky enough that you worry their angry stare might burn hate-holes in your soul.

He’d nudge me into putting my trainers on, donning baggy shorts and a faded t-shirt, and together we’d run. Sixty seconds in I’d be rasping and wheezing, by ninety seconds I’d want him to die. At two minutes, when we slowed to a walking pace, my heart hammered with wobbly, joyful pride. I was hot with arousal for this guy who was physically faster, stronger, and more determined than me.

By five minutes my heart went back to hammering murderous rage. By ten: love again.

Pant, wheeze, hammer, run. His feet pounded the ground in front of me as he streaked ahead – all muscles and sweaty hair and lean, sexy energy. I lurched after him, chest and feet aching and mind blurry with the speed at which I switched between love and hate. By the time we got home, hot and dripping and achy, I always settled for the latter: love, desire, arousal. I was tired, but I wanted him more than I’d have wanted him if we hadn’t run.

I hated the activity, but I loved that he exhausted me.

An energetic fuck

Lazy sex is fun. Lazy everything is fun. Sitting naked on the sofa chain-wanking all afternoon is fun. But as a person naturally inclined to laziness, I am constantly battling my indolent inner self. When I’m idle for ten minutes I worry it’ll last forever.

Relaxation is like superglue – a quick brush with it and I’ll be fine, but an extended session and I might find myself stuck there forever. I like spoon-fucking so much that I worry I’ll never get back on top. Never drop to my knees. Never bend over in the hallway and pull my knickers to the side so we can fuck in front of the mirror.

So I want to do things – energetic things. I want to run until I sweat and write until my brain hurts and fuck until I wear myself out.

Push me

I want a man to exhaust me. To come hiking then demand a blow job when we reach the top of the hill. To take me somewhere I’ve never been, then suggest we find our way home through alleys where we can furtively touch. To push his hand onto the small of my back and tell me I can arch it further. I can take it harder. I can hold it for longer.

Because I can. I know I can. And there’s a great value in someone who says “You can do better than this. You can run faster than this. You can be more amazing than this.” I want a man to make me pound the streets and pant and wheeze and wonder whether I could try even harder than I already do.

This isn’t about having a controlling partner who tells you what you need to be. This is about having someone who challenges you in ways you enjoy – who’ll teach you new skills or introduce you to new things or – in this specific case – physically push you to the point of tiredness so you can tumble into bed together aching and tingling with lust. This is a very specific, physical interpretation of ‘the thrill of the chase.’ Playing and sparring in a sporty flirtation that makes my knickers damp and my heart throb. Watching you run, or cycle, or dance, or do any of those things that I’d usually hide from, gives me something to try for. I’ll cycle faster because I want to impress you, dance so I can partner you, run because I desperately need to catch you.

I want a man to exhaust me. Because when all’s said and done, I can either sit and wait for you, or I can run after you. And right now the latter sounds much more fun.

In my house, Game of Thrones is affectionately referred to as “Tits n Dragons.” I don’t need to explain why, but what I am going to talk about is my shameless delight in unexpected moments of TV filth.

As a child of the nineties, I used to stay up late on Friday night, willing my family to go to bed early so I could dangerwank to Eurotrash. The joy of Eurotrash was that masturbating to it was genuinely challenging. One minute you’d be watching latex-clad dominatrixes beating the living daylights out of eager men in a Bavarian castle, the next you’d be confronted with a grotesque montage of custard pies shaped like disease-ridden genitals. You had to time it right.

But Eurotrash was primarily watched by horny folk like me who could guarantee that if they tuned in they’d be turned on by one thing or another. Because it was so obviously a wankers’ programme, when it delivered on the promise of nakedness, I tingled with horniness but never excitement.

Best surprise TV filth

There were shows, though, that managed to draw you in with an exciting and non-sexual plot, then hit you with the gift of out-of-the-blue shagging, and I treasured those moments far more than my deliberately sought-out wank material. Just as chocolate tastes better if someone’s brought it as a nice surprise than if you binge-buy packs of Wispas in Tesco then scoff them all on your own, surprise TV filth is ten times more delicious if it’s unexpected.

What prompted these thoughts? Well, most recently it happened during my very belated introduction to Weeds, specifically the episode where Nancy Botwin gets spanked by a drug kingpin. The sudden rush of horny meant I didn’t really focus on what was happening for the next five minutes. Weeds is full of these filthy moments, and even relatively tame action (Silas Botwin removing his shirt, bending over, or just… you know… existing) can make my eyes glaze over and my cunt start to throb.

There are loads of great TV shows that do this: Game of Thrones (obviously not that much of a surprise, it’s so expected there’s even a supercut of All The Sex Scenes), Misfits (which I’ve mentioned lustily before), and that moment in The Wire when Stringer Bell pulls the zip down on Donette’s tracksuit. If you have any other recommendations of shows with great plot and occasional filth, please do leave them in the comments. I am a conoisseur of this shit.

God bless Moll Flanders

Like most pervy quirks, though, this joy began when I was young and hormonal, and was prompted by Moll Flanders – a BBC drama series from the mid-nineties, starring Alex Kingston as ‘the wickedest woman in England.’ I can’t remember what she did that was so wicked, but I can remember that she fucked an awful lot of people. Beautifully.

The scene that sticks with me involves Moll selling sex to upper-class gentlemen. Having fallen on hard times, Moll sets out to make some money. In the crucial scene, she’s sitting in the lap of an old guy in the back of a horse-drawn carriage, wearing period costume. Her corset is unlaced, and she’s facing away from the guy in question, wearing a stony, bored expression as she fucks him in solid rhythm. His excited shouts, her total apathy, and the desperate glee of the other guy in the cab watching them was all a bit much for my eager young mind. I shivered with an almost painful kick of lust, felt the rush of wetness in my knickers, and prayed silently for some alone time so I could process the image properly.

I clearly haven’t processed it properly because the scene still pops up regularly in my fantasies. That exact scene. Two guys, period costumes, and a bored fuck from Moll Flanders.

Does this video still exist, you ask? Well, I did a bit of research and I’m delighted to say it does. I’m clearly not the only one who found Alex Kingston incomparably captivating as the luscious, horny Moll, and had endless masturbation fantasies over apathetic fucks with horny be-costumed people. I can be confident in saying this, because the video I found isn’t in a BBC archive or on some British TV lovers’ BitTorrent site somewhere: it’s full-on Moll Flanders sex compilation on xhamster. The scene I’m referring to is about 3:40 in. You’re welcome.

This blog is a bit jumbled compared to my other ones, for which I can only apologise. There’s no coherent thread of argument, no full-on filthy story, and no real point to this other than to let you into the hodgepodge, pervy jumble-sale that is my own mind. Ladies and gentlemen of the telly, I salute you: keep up the good work. If I could make one tiny suggestion, it’d be lovely to see a few more cocks. And ladies and gentlemen who don’t make telly, just let me know which box set I should crack open when Weeds is done.

Most people living in the UK will have noticed that the sun came out this weekend. I mean, even if you haven’t opened the curtains or you live in a basement you’ll have noticed that the sun’s been out, because everyone with a social media account has been commenting on the joy of being able to go outside without wrapping yourself in waterproof plastic and holding a charm to ward off floods.

Back in October, I wrote about why Autumn is sexy. Although, as a wool-wrapped goth, I’m mainly a winter person, I thought that given the mood of general sun-worship I’d do the same for summer. Here are all the hot things I’m looking forward to during that one week in mid-August when we get something resembling a warm season.

Five reasons why summer is hot

Guys get their upper arms out

That’s right, gents, your upper arms and shoulders are to me what sugar is to a five year old. The muscle definition (which most of you have even if you aren’t bulked-up gym bunnies, by the way) is temptingly squeezable. I used to have a friend who’d roll up the sleeves of his t-shirt in the summer to ensure he didn’t get a tan line halfway down his biceps. Practical and sensible, sure, but it left me melting in an oozing puddle of knicker-moistening lust.

I’m not a fan of topless guys in very public places, though. I suspect this is a by-product of living in Japan for a few years, where people frowned on public semi-nakedness in the same way as they’d frown on public defecation. Taking off your entire shirt when you’re walking down the street feels a bit aggressive to me, so I shy away from looking at men who have got everything above the waist on display.

But your shoulders? Your biceps? Those big strong arms that I imagine squeezing me around the waist or neck? I cannot get enough of them.

Playing sports in the park

Men doing things. Men doing hot things. Men running around energetically while I sit under the cool shade of a nearby tree imagining what would happen if I snuck into their changing room and held up a sign that said “I am your post-match refreshment: FEAST UPON ME!”

The physicality of park sport combined with the playful friendliness of it (I’ve rarely seen groups of hooligans chanting when there are jumpers for goalposts) makes for a deeply erotic tableau.

And just so you know, it doesn’t have to be football. In my area of London the park sport of choice is cricket. Now cricket, despite being second only to golf as the most tedious non-sport known to mankind, at least has the benefit that the players use their hands. Sexy, sexy hands.

Speedos

Do you hate Speedos? Do you disparagingly refer to them as ‘banana hammocks’ or something equally crass? Well, when I am a millionaire with my own private pool you won’t be invited to the party.

I won’t give you any bullshit about the atmosphere they evoke, or the peripheral hotness of seeing a man in these tightest of tight swimming trunks. Speedos are hot because I can see your cock: end of.

Swimming shorts are hot too, because they drape so nicely over your manly hips and arse, and look excitingly like the weight of the water could drag them down your legs at any moment. Oh, and when they get wet, guess what? I can probably see your cock.

Holiday fucking

Whether I’m stuck in a hostel, trying to have awkward sex up against a bunkbed before some backpacking strangers get back from the bar, or holed up in a cheap Spanish apartment, tipsy on sangria and lazily wanking you off before we head out for late-night tapas, holiday sex is the ultimate in ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ fun.

When I’m on holiday I don’t care in the slightest that I’m sweaty, bedraggled, blotchy, burned, or have half the Sahara and a good portion of camel hair lodged in my arse crack. Unless you’re infinitely better than I am at picking up strangers over buckets of vodka in Ibiza, holiday sex is usually sex you have with someone you’ve known for ages. Someone who is just as relaxed and de-mob happy as you are, and has more than enough time to fuck your brains out.

If you feel the same about the hotness of holiday sex and you have a spare pile of money, let me know – I’ve got an awesome idea for a travel guide listing streets, restaurants and tourist attractions in which you can surreptitiously fuck. It’s basically The Lonely Planet, but for perverts.

Delicious salty man sweat

Need I say more about this, the ultimate in filthy summer delights? Well, I can’t. Because I am too busy licking it from your neck.