Are you a tits man or an arse man? Or, perhaps, a leg man? Guys are often asked, for no rational reason that I can identify, to shoehorn themselves into one of these boxes. But what’s the alternative for girls? We aren’t asked if we’re ‘cock’ or ‘arse’ women.

Perhaps it’s because we’re trickier to categorise – we have a tendency to sexualise bits of your body that aren’t obviously sexual – your eyes, your hands, your arms. Lovely though your penis is, it’s rarely your hottest feature.

This point was hammered home fairly solidly to me recently when I watched Cindy Gallop talking about female desire. In what I think is a desperately sexy accent, she goes misty-eyed about men’s forearms. I mean, forearms, for crying out loud. Filthy bitch.

But she’s right – sometimes the things that turn us on are bloody odd. I’m a big fan of chipping in, so in no particular order, here are some of the sexiest things about boys.

Hands

Beautiful hands – long fingers, chubby fingers, rings, fingernails cut or bitten to the quick that mean you can slide them into me eagerly and easily.

Even better – big hands. Hands that you use to touch me, grab me, restrain me. Hands that you put flat on my tits and squeeze. Hands that you can place on my waist when I’m beside you, that you can use to squeeze and control me.

Hands that fit neatly into the back pocket of my jeans.

Final note: boys wearing nail varnish: yes please. Please. With sugar, a cherry, and a massive helping of girljizz on top.

Armpits

Naked men lying on my bed with their hands either gripping or tied to the bed posts. These men are not hot because they’re vulnerable – they’re hot because they’re showing me their armpits.

Guys have hairy armpits and it’s wonderful – beautiful. They’re dark, and dirty, and provide definition against your powerful, masculine arms.

Ideally they smell musky and sweaty, like fucking in a sauna. If you promise not to freak out at my perving, I would love the chance to lick them.

Shoulders

It doesn’t matter if you’re fat, thin, skinny or muscular – your shoulders are sexy. They’re what I’ll bite and drool and dribble over while you’re fucking me nice and hard.

They’re male and strong and defined and so so different to my own. The things that make the two of us different make you especially hot.

I once fucked a guy with tattooed sleeves, the designs ended just at the tip of his shoulders – essentially an arrow to highlight and point at what my eye’s already drawn towards. Apparently I wasn’t paying the requisite amount of attention to his face, because he stopped halfway through that fuck to ask: “are you perving on my tattoos?”

Yes. I most definitely, definitely was.

Hipbones

Ungh. Yes. This only really works with very lithe, skinny boys, but I love to play with your hipbones.

If you’re lying on your back and I can see the definition of your hipbones at your waist it will take as much restraint as I can muster not to just grab your hips with my hands and push my thumbs into the little dent above them, ideally while taking your cock in my mouth as you moan like a desperate, wriggling teenager.

The dimples just above your arse cheeks

Why is this beautiful? It’s beautiful because if you’re wearing pants, staring at these dimples is the closest I get to your arse without actually seeing your arse. It’s a tiny bit of definition that hints at what’s below. And is usually even sexier than your arse itself.

Bonus points if you also have soft, wispy hair in the crook of your back that I can stroke when I’m reaching down behind you.

The back of your neck

I want to bite it. I also want to sniff it, kiss it, lick and nuzzle it as I sit behind you on the sofa with my legs wrapped round your hips, one hand steadily rubbing your ever-hardening cock.

Incidentally, the back of the neck is one of the reasons why fucking guys in the ass can be so spectacular – if you have a guy lying on his front, you get a stunning view of his neck as you push yourself into him.

This is one reason why I try to avoid hugging guys I’m not sleeping with – being that close to their neck just feels pervy, like I’m violating them with my thoughts.

No matter who you are, if you hug me I will take deep breaths in – sampling exactly what your neck smells like and what it feels like to rest my face there. Out of courtesy I’ll refrain from actually licking it, but I’ll probably be imagining what it would be like to bury my face in it while we fuck.

I have a favourite pervy picture. It’s not as explicit as you might imagine – in fact to certain eyes it could look like an innocent snap of two teenagers in love. But it is not that.

During my first year of University I fell what can only be described as ‘idiotically in love’ with a guy who was generous enough to reciprocate that love with spectacular and quite disgusting sex. He was a brunette. He was straight.

At the same time, I had a good friend in halls who was exquisitely pretty in a lithe, posh-boy way. He was a blond. He was also straight.

These two boys, lovely though they were to me, utterly despised each other.

Can you see where I’m going with this? Maybe not – I’m going to a kebab house at 3 am, on the evening of my 19^th birthday. We were waiting for food and I jokingly asked them to kiss. To my unending delight, they actually did. Forcefully, passionately, and with the kind of lustful instinct that you tend to only see in young ones. Luckily I was not completely paralysed with arousal and so, ever resourceful, I whipped out my camera faster than you can say ‘timeless wanking classic’ and took a snap.

If boys kiss in front of me I will probably perv on them

Watching two boys kiss is one of my absolute favourite things. I am frequently mesmerised in gay clubs at the sheer number of hot, lustful men eating at each other like it’s their final chance to do so.

But good though it is to watch any boys kissing, my personal favourite is seeing two otherwise straight guys pulling because they know it will turn me on.

Why? God knows. The kissing’s hot because boys are hot, and at that point it becomes a simple equation: if one thing is hot then if you double the number of hot things and attach them at the face you’ll increase the overall hotness output.

But I suspect there’s also something of a dictatorial streak in me. Despite being submissive when I’m fucking, as a general rule I love to see boys doing things that I’ve asked. Sometimes I can control boys purely by telling them it’ll make my cunt wet if they do stuff – I am God.

Part of the thrill with straight-boy kisses is definitely the fact that they’re usually a bit uncomfortable. In this situation the fact that the guys hated each other made it all the more arousing. I remembered the bitter rows they’d had, the way they snarked about each other to me to try and get me on side. I made these boys get over their mutual disdain just so they’d do dirty things to each other.

But mostly it’s hot because, even after initial reluctance, I’ve never seen guys snog timidly – gently – the way most try to kiss me for the first time. Boys snog more quickly, more passionately, almost angrily. Even reluctant straight ones.

And now if you could just take off your pants…

Of course sometimes, if I’m really lucky, it will develop into something else. I’ve been with a few guys who are willing to snog but no more – they’ll do it to make me happy then take me home and bang me with the force of someone trying to show how much they like girls.

But some of them are willing to go that bit further. Some will pull a boy and realise that perhaps boys aren’t so icky after all. Maybe this one will rub up against the other a bit. Perhaps he’ll start getting hard. Perhaps he’ll let me take off his trousers so the other guy can get a good, tight hold of his dick.

Even if that doesn’t happen, the promise of it is still there during their kiss. So whether I’m taking pictures on the sidelines or trying to crowbar myself in between them so they crush me with the force of their boylust, I’m grateful for every lip-locked minute.

I understand that not everyone’s into it. Not all straight guys are willing to get as stuck into another dude as they are into a woman. But honestly? If you are I’ll love you twice as much for it.

If you’ll pull a guy with the same force and passion as you’d pull me… If you’ll kneel down and suck on his cock like you want to draw all the spunk right out of him… If you’ll let him climb on top of you and bang you with quick, hard, grunting strokes while I lie underneath and feel the force pushing your cock deeper inside me… If you’ll do all of that then I will melt and drool and tremble and then fuck you until you have no fuck left.