Almost every guy I have ever dated has told me that if they had tits themselves, they’d spend all day just staring at and playing with them. I am not getting ready to snark, or shame anyone for saying this, in fact I completely understand. Tits are fucking awesome. The thing that makes me horniest about my own body is the excellent rack stuck to the front of it. Although I don’t spend all day groping them or staring (I’m a busy girl), I do spend a fairly sizeable chunk of my time being aware of them – enjoying how they look and feel – so I thought I’d have a go at answering the unspoken question hovering beneath all those comments from all those past boyfriends. Here’s what it feels like to have tits.

Note: I’m a cis woman who has mostly dated cis dudes. I’ve tried not to be too gendered in this because tits are not exclusive to one gender, but my perspective is naturally coloured by my experiences. 

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I love receiving sexy threats – we’ve discussed this before. “If you don’t hold that position and I can’t come, I’m gonna beat you so hard.” But there’s one sexy threat that I enjoy above all others: anal as punishment.

Note: I actually don’t think this counts as ‘consensual non-consent’. I think there’s enough thirst from me as the receiver of this to move it out of any hinted ‘non-consent’ territory. However, I appreciate that the tone of it does play into a number of those tropes, so it would probably be irresponsible of me not to label it ‘CNC’ in some way – if that isn’t your thing, you might not want to read this one.

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We’re making out. It’s smoking hot. We started off with me folded in his lap, feeling soft and small. Delicate. Unequivocally his. Then, after some firm kisses that resonated deep in my cunt, I got a little yearning to switch. To make him mine in return.

CN: smoking weed, breath play

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Back in the day, I used to get annoyed with sex toy companies who were obsessed with making their vibrators ‘cute’. I was pissed off with the assumption that I wouldn’t have a wank unless someone had completely desexualised a dildo by slapping a rabbit on the front of it. Or a dolphin. Or Hello Kitty. I think I was mostly annoyed because this masturbatory menagerie only seemed to gather around toys aimed at women: I’ve never seen Fleshlight slap an adorable squirrel or a pair of googly eyes onto one of their dick sheaths. You can read my 12-year-old cute sex toys rant here if you like, but only if you remember that I had a lot of anger back then, was wildly cisnormative, and on balance almost certainly wrong. Because today I am here to sing the praises of a sex toy that is a) capable of delivering some very impressive wanks and b) undeniably cute as all fuck. Allow me to introduce the Doxy Go.

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If you’d rather hear this one read aloud, join my Patreon (at any tier) and go to this update: it starts at 14:45. If you want to catch up with the trilogy (though it’s not necessary to read them in order), here’s part 1 (cunt) and part 2 (ass). This is part 3 (mouth), and it’s my favourite. 

Shagging new people isn’t just a question of teaching them how I like to be touched, or which words make me squirm with desire. Sometimes I find myself having to school men on the basics, like ‘it’s not shameful if you can’t get hard’ or ‘you’re allowed to take some time to get comfortable before I start sucking your dick’. New guys often behave like sex is this thing which must be done correctly, immediately, or they’ll somehow lose points. This isn’t a criticism, my dudes, it’s understandable that some of you have taken this message from society, because society’s been shrieking bullshit at you for ages, telling you that this is how sex works. It even uses words like ‘performance’ when trying to sell you boner pills, as if fucking is a production you’re putting on, and I’m just the audience who will sit there and applaud.

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