One plus one does not always equal two. Sure, if we’re talking standard stuff like apples and oranges, one plus one definitely equals two and I’d be a weird conspiracy theorist if I tried to persuade you otherwise. You have one apple in a bag, you add another, you have two apples. True. But if the things you’re counting are dicks, and the place you’re putting them is my vagina: one dick plus another equals a hell of a lot more than two. Let’s talk DVP with a fuckmachine.

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When he asked me what I wanted, as my reward for winning the game, I think he expected me to demand pleasure. Orgasms, delivered by hand and vibrator, or his wet lips wrapped round my nipples. Maybe a good, hard fuck bent over the sofa. Instead I asked him for pain. “Whip me,” I told him.

Note, this post makes references to That Fucking Virus and These Weird Times.

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“What was the plot of that porn, then?” He asks me, twenty seconds after we’ve both come. We’re sitting side-by-side on the sofa, him covered in spunk and me casually discarding the dildo and Zumio I used to get there myself. On the TV the porn scene we were watching still plays: porn with no plot, just a couple of people having a vigorous and sexy shag. He reaches for the controller to switch it off as I try to put into words what ‘the plot of that porn’ really was.

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There’s this moment, just before he comes, that feels like a gear change. There’s a sudden urgency and intensity to his thrusts. The angle changes slightly, the pace increases, and I know we’re mere seconds away from the delicious moment when he comes deep in my cunt. As someone who is a big fan of this, I assumed everyone knew that having someone jizz inside you isn’t just pleasurable from a psychological standpoint: you can feel it too. But recently someone asked me if I could genuinely feel the spunk gushing out, so I figured I’d have a go at describing it. Here’s what it feels like to get pumped full of cum…

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One of my most common wank fantasies is getting fucked by a bachelor party. Technically it’s getting fucked by a stag party, because that’s what we call them here in the UK. But I am, as always, at the mercy of Google, so I’m going to use those two terms interchangeably in order to get search traffic. I hope you can forgive me, because after all I am sharing this delightful porn, in which the main character gets gleefully and riotously fucked by a bunch of drunk guys. Seeing as we’re all trying to remain indoors and avoid group gatherings, why not indulge in some of the group gatherings that exist inside our heads?

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