You’ve probably heard of the Doxy wand, and Doxy Number 3, and if you’re into ridiculously and intensely powerful, rumbly vibrations the chances are you’ll have one of these beautiful sex toys already. But did you know Doxy butt plugs also exist? Please have a seat (on an inferior butt plug, if you must) and let me yell enthusiastically at you about how great these butt plugs are.

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Question: what’s the difference between group sex and a gang bang? Please pop on your serious hat and ponder along with me. I’ve got DIAGRAMS and everything.

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I don’t know how to dominate you, but maybe I’ll begin by taking your face gently in my hands. Then I’ll press my lips against yours to feel their cushion-softness, and whisper ‘get your fucking dick really really hard for me.’

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Can I interest anyone in a story about a guy getting his dick milked in a cold, clinical manner by person or persons unknown? That’s what this post is about. I hope you enjoy it as much as I vigorously masturbated over it. I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of people getting their dicks milked at the moment, mostly thanks to a particular twitter account I follow which consists of amazing videos of exactly that. Scroll to the bottom for the link to it, and be warned that just like this post, it’s NSFW. 

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I want you to find a hard, cylindrical object. A bottle of deodorant or a broom handle will do – as long as it won’t break in your hand. Now grip it as tight as you can. Squeeze. Really squeeze, like you’re trying to crush it in your grasp. Do your muscles hurt? Good – hold for a few more seconds. Now let go. Feel the tingle in the crook between your fingers and your thumb. Note the absence of that object, feel how your empty hand almost hurts now it’s not there. That is how my cunt aches ten seconds before you fuck me.

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