Before I begin, allow me a minute to put off 50% of you: this is not erotic fiction about what to do on your wedding night. It’s not a post about a romantic fuck at the end of your special day, or how to arouse your partner on the wedding night even though you’ve been together five years and you’re bored of the sight of their bollocks by now. If that’s what you’re after, then please pick up your warm white wine and move on to another buffet: this wedding night fuck is dirty.

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GOTN is on holiday until next week. In her absence, please enjoy this poem which she started writing in a workshop ages ago, then added some bits to, then read at the SheVibe bawdy poetry slam during The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit.

As with everything Woodhull-related, it would not exist without Doxy, who not only make my favourite ever sex toy, they also sponsored me to go, so please show them lots of love. I suggest following them on twitter and .@-ing them with a message of intense affection such as ‘you make my life complete’ or ‘I cannot imagine a future without you.’ If enough of you do it then it will simultaneously delight and confuse the hell out of them.

UPDATE: the wonderful @ninjasexology has added some new verses to the poem – in italics below and they’re AMAZING. You should check out her wonderful blog, where she showcases her collection of utterly incredible, often very girthy, and always imaginative dildos.

If you’re better at titles than GOTN is, feel free to suggest one in the comments.

xxx

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Today I’m thinking about butter. Which is, I know, not the ideal lube. Especially if you’re vegan.

But today I’m thinking about butter for lube.

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This week’s guest blog is about something very close to my heart, which features in some of my hottest fantasies: the glory hole. While I’d love to be able to tell you utterly filthy stories about anonymous rendezvous with people through glory holes, I’ve sadly never had the pleasure. So Laura – from School of Squirt – is here to share a story of her own glory hole evening. And holy shit it’s hot. Don’t read this at work, unless your work is totally comfortable with you getting so turned on you immediately run to the office toilets and start hacking holes in the cubicle walls.

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I like the way a guy’s dick twitches when I push something into him – like a butt plug. I like to watch that twitch as the plug slips inside – that quick pulse of his cock that tells me it’s settled neatly into the right place.

His face twitches too. A flicker of pain/lust/need/satisfaction – one or all, delete as appropriate.

And that’s why I want him to get fucked in the ass while he fucks me.

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